Apr 20 2017

The Pageist’s Adult Fun Pack of Fun Giveaway

It’s my first giveaway and I couldn’t be more excited. Well, not without winning the lottery, anyway.

Several very cool people and companies have donated neato things for grownups who enjoy being creative—I’m going to compile them into three (mostly) identical packs—and send them off to winners.

Gleam is running the contest because I can’t fathom how that would work so if you don’t win, blame them. But, they also offer far more ways to enter than I ever could.

Dates and Eligibility

The contest runs from right now (April 20) until May 31 midnight (as in it turns into a pumpkin on June 1) London time, because I live in England. That gives you 41 days.

It’s open to people over 18 who live in the US, UK, Canada, Australia, NZ and Europe. Maybe my next giveaway can be worldwide, but I’m trying not to make myself insane this time round.

Winners will have to give me their addresses, but considering how I feel about outing, they should consider themselves safe as houses.

What You Can Win

What’s in each pack, you ask?

1 SheVibe NSFW Creative Cursing Coloring Book (this thing is hilarious—I have to get one for my birthday)

If you have to have one now, they’re here.

1 Kinky Coloring by Bait’D Designs — I don’t have a physical copy yet, as they’re still being printed, but you can thank them for giving me the idea for this entire madness. Have some images they’ve sent thus far:

Bait’D has some swanky stuff, I tell you.

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1 notebook from Fuck.com — I met these guys at Eroticon and they are genuinely cool human beings. The notebooks come with two different covers (see below), which will be chosen at random. This is where the (mostly) from above comes in.

The Fuck.com notebooks have the soft touch covers, a red ribbon bookmark sewn in and elastic closure. They are unlined and the edges of the pages are red.

Each notebook has around 100 pages.

2 stickers from AliceinBondageLand — Alice! Alice is a friend of the show and I love her. And stickers are always fun. And I love her. These stickers are well-traveled. They came from the west coast of the U.S. to England to wherever you live.

@BondageLand or @GoAskAlice or @AliceinBondageLand depending where you are

1 I [love] smut pin/badge from Victoria Blisse — another very cool person I met at Eroticon. If you listen to my show, you probably love smut, too.

I’ll also send a handwritten note and a couple of my promotional bookmarks.

Smut badge from Victoria Blisse and my bookmarks, which I am proud of.

Are you ready to get in on this? Yeah? Yaaaay!

The Pageist’s Adult Fun Pack of Fun Giveaway

Apr 12 2017

Naked People Make Me Fall Asleep

Why the Asexual Is Thinking About You Naked

Not long ago I met a photographer who processes photography in old-timey ways—daguerrotypes, rather than Polaroids. (His name is Nicolas Laborie and his work is pretty neato.)

Nicolas is interested in gender and how people present themselves and so on so we had a thought-provoking chat and exchanged social media information, as you do these days.

After we parted ways, he looked at my website, which puts right out there that I’m asexual and kinky and a lesbian and whatever else. And somehow we got onto the subject of whether people were more interesting with or without clothing on. (I think it was a question posed on twitter you were supposed to retweet with your answer about which you found more interesting.)

I said I found clothed people more interesting by far, which he was intrigued by.

Nicolas is a photographer and artist so it’s understandable that he’d find nudity beautiful and the human canvas and… whatever people think. I can sort of understand it, but naked people do nothing for me.

You’re a Blank Canvas…Mostly

It’s not that I find nudity offensive or dirty or gross or anything—obviously, it’s natural. You’re not born with clothes on.

But to me bodies are bodies. They’re just there. I’ve spoken before about how I don’t care about food or sex. You have to have food to keep yourself alive. Your body is there to carry around your brain.

A naked body doesn’t tell me a great deal about the person inside it. Now, I can look at certain sizes, shapes and gender presentations and think, ‘You have had to put up with a lot of bullshit that I haven’t’ or ‘Wow… the story about that scar must be something else… that that person can tell me in their own time.’ Or ‘That is a person who used to have lots of money. Now they have lots of tattoos. Those on the ribs must’ve hurt, woo.’

In general, though, I’m not learning much.

(I’m so used to seeing people with at least one tattoo now, that when a person doesn’t have any—or if they have no moles or freckles or other marks, they just look… blank.)

There’s a particular fascination to flawless skin, but when it’s an entire body it seems like something that’s waiting to have an image projected onto it.

Because I don’t sexualise nudity it’s all body parts to me. Which only sounds a little like something a serial killer would say.

But clothing—that tells me loads about you. How you feel about yourself that day. How you feel about the world. What you could find in the dark after that one-night-stand.

Clothes have thousands more textures and layers—both figuratively and literally—than bodies.

The Clothes Don’t Make the Woman…but They Don’t Hurt, Either

Some clothes, on some people, carry a particular frisson for me. A woman in a pinstripe suit or a frock coat? I don’t care how emotionally connected I was to that same woman, seeing her naked wouldn’t be nearly as interesting. Even seeing her in lingerie wouldn’t be as intriguing. And it’s not the clothing, because that frock coat just lying on the bed or hanging up has no personality. It doesn’t have a Dominant woman in it. A tailored, black blazer and a white silk blouse can’t tell me how it likes its coffee then tell me to be good while it’s out at work during the day.

This is a frock coat. A Dominant Lady in this frock coat would have an easy life, indeed. (source)

It’s not all about the clothes on the Dominant woman—I’ll still happily sit at her feet if she’s in her comfy jim-jams with her hair up. And if she wants to be naked then that’s her choice and I’d never be the sort of s-type who was only interested in submitting if my Domme was wearing just the thing I like (or actually dressed at all, in my case). If being naked made my D-type happy, then naked she shall be. ‘And what SPF will that be, ma’am? Nipple burns are not to be trifled with.’

Brains vs Tongue First (Again)

I engage with the world intellectually rather than ‘tongue-first’, as a book my friend Bean recently discovered called it. Tongue-first is tasting, touching, smelling, sensing things rather than thinking about them—something I discussed in this essay. I’m decidedly in the brain-first camp, and due to that, I’m more interested in what a person looks like dressed for the reasons listed earlier. Your clothes give me more information about what’s important to me than your bare skin does.

(Also, naked people always look cold to me—probably because if I’m nude I’m cold so I’m projecting, but I always want to give the nudies a caftan or something.)

If you want to run your senses all over someone then it follows that nudity would be A+ in your book. The ‘goods’ are available for assessment, a naked person’s pheromones would probably be easier to smell than someone layered in textiles, their hairy, smooth, stubbly and…whatever else bits are there to be touched in whatever way you both agree is a-okay, and, if you were inclined to lick them, well, everything is at your disposal.

Seeing how a person holds themselves when naked would possibly give you an idea of how comfortable they were with their sexuality or within their own skin, as well, which would be useful information about their capacity for sensuality. Though you may not process it so coldly and rather intuit it.

The Squishy Bits

I have other thoughts on the genitals specifically, but I’ll save those for a future writing. I just know you want to know what the asexual thinks about genitals.

{This essay originally appeared in a slightly different format in episode 48 of The Pageist podcast during the My Submissive Life segment.}

Apr 11 2017

BDSM by Ayzad (Extended Review)

The Italian cover of the book. (source)

This is the text version of the review from episode 48. With a bonus section at the end that wasn’t in the show.

First, the part from the episode:

The book this episode is BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism by Ayzad.

I received this book for free, but that isn’t going to affect my review because this book was a mixed bag if ever there was one.

If you’re a regular listener you know how much I love judgmental people. If you’re new: I’m allergic to judgmental people. I’m baffled by how anyone who wants to have their kinks accepted can be judgmental towards other kinksters.

Oh, the judgment.

The author has twenty-five years of experience in the scene and is around fifty, I believe, which means he’s seen a great number of kinks, but that didn’t stop him from calling people into certain types of activities ‘freaks’, being derogatory about men into cross-dressing and saying that people into scarification were mentally ill.

I started out making a list of all the people on the List of Judgment, but eventually I gave up. [This appears in the bonus section at the end now.]

And it was entirely unintuitive what would be okay. For example, coprophilia—or shit eating—was just fine. He gave tips on how to do it as safely as possible.

I don’t care if you want to eat shit. I also don’t think people into cutting or scarification need psychotherapy. And cisgender guys who want to be pretty princesses can be a pretty princess. Heraclitus on a cloud, leave people alone.

So there’s the chapter on effluvia—people who are the receptacle for everything that is produced by their D-type. Nail-clippings, phlegm, everything else.

Then he says something like, ‘And if you think that’s extreme, wait until I tell you about this next group of people.’

I think, Great Sophocles, what can be next? Cannibals?

It was 24/7 D/s.

Now, maybe because 24/7 makes sense to me or maybe I need therapy, but consuming everything that comes off or out of another person seems a little more extreme than 24/7 power exchange.

In the 24/7 section he offers some sage advice for how to handle kids while in a power exchange:

I’d love to be able to offer a good solution on how to bring the needs of children and those of a Master/slave couple together, but the truth is that none exists.

Yes, all of you power exchange couples who’ve successfully raised children—your experiences are invalid.

Your experiences are probably invalid, anyway. The author describes what he calls:

the typical profile of a couple committed to a full-time domination regime: no kids, above-average education, well-off, 35 or older, where the Dom is generally slightly older and often a self-employed professional.

There were other moments where I laughed out loud, too like this one:

Far be it from me to promote any form of less than totally disinterested BDSM.

Now would be a good time to point out that the author is from Italy and I have no idea what kink is like there. When I met up with Eros [a listener] for books and tea, I was telling him about this book and he pointed out that I had one person to speak for an entire country (in terms of their kink scene), which is a good point.

I’m starting near the end of the book, though, which builds from the gentler arts to the more extreme, complicated side of things. The author recommends reading it from start to finish rather than choosing sections at random. As a way of easing the reader into the activities on offer.

This book is 600 pages long—it has a massive amount of information. There are also a couple hundred photos—many pertain to the subject being discussed, some that don’t.

Now I shall talk about some of the positives for a bit, then go back to some other things that don’t recommend it. I’m not saying don’t buy it, by the way—it could be quite useful for some people. I’m trying to provide enough information for you to figure out if it will be of use to you.

One of the positives is the practical information. There’s info on how to do a lot of things to a lot of body parts with a variety of implements both store bought, pervertible and handmade. In the shibari section he doesn’t provide a map of nerves, but does cover how to be careful of nerve damage and in general is safety-conscious.

It’s basically a torturer’s handbook. In a good way. This is where his twenty-five years of experience is obvious.

There’s also ideas for role-plays and other non-physical funtimes.

Now for the section of things that made me crazy but may or may not bother you.

This was originally written in Italian and the English translation leaves a little to be desired. There are words…that aren’t words. They sound like English, but aren’t. Like ‘sensoriality’ rather than sensually or ‘inexistent’ rather than ‘nonexistent’. And others. And there were a few paragraphs here and there that hadn’t been translated at all. I don’t know if that was just the digital version I had or if it’s that way in the physical version, as well.

[It turns out ‘sensoriality’ is a word, though my computer doesn’t recognise it as such. It’s so uncommon that the general reader wouldn’t recognise it, either.]

I have never in my life wanted to edit a book so badly. The intended audience wasn’t obvious. On the one hand, there was precise, quite excellent instructions on how to safely do things like infusions, needle play, rope work, genital torture, the list goes on, but much of it was also written like it was introducing a third party—vanilla people—to kinkdom and reassuring them we weren’t a bunch of serial killers. Perhaps that’s where all his judgment came from.

The way the author went about reassuring the gentle reader kinksters weren’t out to eat their faces was by using the phrases, ‘In fact’ and ‘As a matter of fact’ A LOT. Which winds up sounding condescending.

‘BDSM may seem dark and scary when, in fact, it’s people who negotiate clear boundaries. As a matter of fact, no one ever does anything they don’t want to do. In fact, anyone who did something bad to someone by accident would kill themselves out of guilt.’

Not really that bad, but it’s not far off. I wanted to control f and delete all of those, which would make those sentences stronger.

This is a quote:

‘The truth is, nothing especially worrying normally happens during BDSM sessions and there are hardly ever any problems.’

Which is the polar opposite of what I’ve heard from … everyone else who say, ‘Something is going to go wrong at some point. You just have to be as prepared as possible. Everyone makes mistakes.’

I had to wonder if some of his attitudes—some of which were rather sexist—were down to his coming from a conservative country. Something he referenced himself on more than one occasion.

One of my favourite assertions was that North American men don’t enjoy going down on women. Maybe he meant Mexico or Canada—I don’t know how men in those countries feel about it, but guys from the U.S. tend to be down with going downtown, if you know what I mean.

He eschewed doctors’ advice on not caning female breast tissue, as it can cause health problems later on because he’d never seen that happen.

The likelihood of breast cancer increases with age, so unless you’re hanging around until those women are in their 50s, 60s, 70s, then you wouldn’t see it happen. ‘Boobs are fun to play with though!’ Ignoring the people who study something for a living is never recommended.

There were some other, ‘Ah, people worry about sickness and death too much,’ statements that made me wonder if I’m just a safety-conscious American or if he’s a lackadaisical European. For example, the author thought the extent Americans go to to be safe when meeting people in the scene was laughable. Well, we’re women and we don’t want to die. Silly women.

One other thing—it’s all about sex. There’s no place in this book where BDSM isn’t about sex. Kink doesn’t have to be about sex. His recommendations for most play also revolved around humiliation and degradation, as well. There wasn’t mention of how to use various types of torture for fun or laughing or gentle play. You’d have to figure out how to use these methods in those ways yourself—not that that’s impossible, you just have to use your imagination.

I will say this—his website is quite good. It’s ayzad.com

So. Should you buy this book? If you don’t have a firm sense of self—no. Dude may not approve of your kink. Or he might! There’s truly no way to know.

He does have some interesting insights. I’d be grinding my back teeth into a fine powder over something or other and then he’d come out with some new idea or piece of information from kinky history that was educational—I do like my historical trivia. And, as I said before, there’s a wealth of practical information on just about everything one person can do to another. It would be a useful reference book on practices.

One thing he talked about was how, in non-English-speaking countries, safe, sane and consensual is translated as safe, healthy and consensual. Which is curious. Why? Do they think no sane person would do kink?

He dismisses RACK—Risk Aware Consensual Kink—as he thinks it’s dangerous. Kink is risky, though. You have to be aware of the risks. Not being aware of them is asking for trouble.

Oh yes. He also says you shouldn’t pay for your porn. For two reasons. One, it’s probably out there for free somewhere. Two, not paying for ethically-made, professional porn will incentivise amateurs to make porn for the fun of it.

That’s not how it works. You give your money to the ethical people so they can make more of the porn you like. Give them lots of money.

I give this one a 3/5 and leave you with this nugget of wisdom that I know absolutely sums up my submission in no way whatsoever:

The truth is that subs are driven by the urge to experience the sensations they so dearly love, and—at least in the early stages of the relationship—they are merely looking for someone capable of giving them what they want. In many cases their actions are guided by simple masochistic narcissism, that is the search for pain and trials to overcome, thus proving their worth to themselves or atoning for their perceived guilt.

BONUS!

This bonus section is brought to you by the email I received from the author, who wrote to me a few hours after the podcast went live.

He felt I had been unfair to him in the episode, going so far as to intimate I had skimmed the book and was intentionally choosing quotes to hurt a struggling, self-funded project. He also pointed to the legions of people around the world who’d loved his book and wondered why I was different.

Nearly every person involved in kink (what the Eroticon people would call ‘erotic creatives’) are struggling and self-funded; including myself. I would never intentionally hurt someone because I’m not a terrible person and also don’t want to destroy my career.

Book reviewers (reviewers of any kind) consume media differently than the average person. It’s why a book or film can be a critical hit and flop with audiences or vice versa. Individuals like media based on whether or not it resonates with them personally. Reviewers take a broader view. We have to look at a work from many angles.

If I had been reading the book for myself alone, the review would have been quite different.

Another note from the author included emotional manipulation and a wall of text listing all of his experience and accomplishments. 1. Not cool. In the years I’ve been reviewing various media this is a first. So points for that. 2. I know. I said in the review more than once the author’s copious experience was obvious. However, all of the experience in the world doesn’t preclude badly needing an editor, nor does it keep a person from developing biases.

Now that I’m no longer constrained to a time (or word) limit, let’s do quotes. I will provide evidence for my assertions from the episode and include some extra points I didn’t have the time to get to.

The Judgement Zone

The author felt I had unfairly categorised him as judgmental.

I refer you back to the phrase about promoting totally disinterested BDSM.

Also, I did stop highlighting sections at one point so this list won’t be complete. Here we go.

I should have known we’d be in trouble when the foreword was by someone who often writes about sex addiction, which isn’t a real thing.

In a section called ‘The wrong kind of BDSM’ there’s a bit about the incorrect ways to get into kink and includes:

Other non-recommended paths to the world of extreme eroticism are those linked with challenging oneself or the world, which are more common than you’d believe…Finally we have the completely clueless characters: stray clubbers, swinging couples, goths, self-styled occultists and kooks aplenty.

There are very, very specific ways to get into kink. Do it right.

Then there’s this:

BDSM has nothing to do with cults, angels, demons, past and present deities, magic, wizardry, exorcisms, demonic possessions, evocations or any paranormal event. Whoever tells you otherwise, including references to an imaginary ‘sex magick’, is trying to take advantage of you or is deluded in good faith.

It’s funny that’s brought up, because I’m looking forward to reviewing Lee Harrington’s Sacred Kink: The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond later this year.

It’s also funny about saying it’s nothing to do with anything woo-woo when two kindle pages before it says:

As we are going to see in the following chapters [BDSM] is also closely related with more noble and respected activities as meditation, autogenic training, asceticism and the spiritually elevated forms of religion.

But not past or present deities. Okay.

He gives some information about Gor, then says:

If you’re interested, on the internet you can find way too much information.

A disinterested version of that sentence would be: ‘There isn’t space enough to cover the complexities of the Gorean lifestyle, but here is a link for more information.’

He talks about humiliation at one point and says:

Let me take a moment to clarify the term. Humiliating only means creating situations that through actions or words prove to both partners who is in charge and who must obey. Insults, violence or degradation have nothing to do with it and are not part of healthy eroticism.

Lots of people are into insults and degradation with their humiliation. It’s a whole kink.

A bit later under the same section:

It is also wise to refrain from obvious absurdities like calling a thin woman a ‘fat slag’ or a well-endowed man ‘dickless’.

Again, that’s actually something some people are into. It needs to be negotiated, but…that’s a thing.

I referenced this earlier but the actual quote is excellent:

One should also take into account any cultural differences, which may be the result of different regional or family customs. This is particularly true when dealing with foreigners: North American men from certain regions find the idea of licking a vagina repulsive.

Cultural differences are important. More important is knowing what the actual differences are. You can also simply negotiate beforehand with each individual person about their sexual preferences and not assume what anyone is into based on the country they’re from.

Still in the section on humiliation, we’re on to sissification, where the author says:

It goes without saying however that the majority of men look terribly awkward and grotesque in women’s clothes…

Shame is a funny thing, because if I were a man who was into cross-dressing because it felt natural and made me feel pretty, but I thought I wasn’t supposed to be and I read that line, it wouldn’t matter to me that it was in a section about the ways Mistresses humiliate men who want to be humiliated; I would remember it forever. This line could be cut quite easily—it’s clearly an opinion (if it goes without saying then it doesn’t need to be said) without harming the rest of the section.

Then there’s a bit about people being forced to be animals and how humiliating that is, but… some people are puppies…I’ve met them. They’re great. They’re happy as hell—no one’s humiliating them. Maybe they don’t have happy puppies in Europe.

Then we’re on to shaming the people into Mindfucks.

The main problem is that kink is based on mutual trust, whereas mindfucking depends on destroying it… My advice is therefore to just give up on these sorts of pastimes, but if you really want to try them, here are a few classic scenarios.

Big of him to be okay with grown ups making their own decisions. The scenarios include rape play (fun fact, rape fantasies are incredibly common amongst women!), the serial killer, and takedown scenes. Give up on consensually living out that hot rape fantasy, ladies, gentlemen or other fancy people.

When we get to breath play he describes myriad ways people perform breath play then ends the sentence with:

…which, in my opinion, are disturbing evidence of repressed violence.

The phrase ‘in my opinion’ doesn’t belong in anything claiming to be disinterested. The neutral way of putting it would be to list the ways it’s performed, as well as a list of what can go wrong (there is more information in the chapter here and the line about people into it having repressed violent tendencies is superfluous.)

(Gloria Brame’s Different Loving is an excellent example of a book written for a general audience that takes a disinterested tone about a wide array of kinks. Podcast review here, written review here.)

He calls a few people ‘fanatics’ but that word can mean people who are very enthusiastic about something or unhealthily enthusiastic about a thing. This post is becoming long enough so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Some people are fond of the idea of consensual nonconsent—also known by the German name of ‘tunnelspiel’—which consists in authorising the Dom to continue playing without restraint, beyond any set limit and in spite of any resistance physical or otherwise—disregarding even safewords. Although this may sound like an intriguing fantasy (perhaps, and I’m not so sure about that), indulging in such behavior is a criminal and irresponsible idiocy.

I’m not rewriting this entire book. But this isn’t disinterested. Describe what a thing is and why people are into it. Say it’s edgy and requires negotiation. No opinion required.

Some diabolical ladies even force their slaveboys into preemptive masturbation for guaranteed ultimate vulnerability—I don’t approve, but to each their own.

YOU DON’T APPROVE OF SOMETHING?! GET THE FUCK OUT.

Up next in JudgementTown, medical play.

This is the clinical games genre, also called ‘white art’ in German-speaking countries. These terms refer to situations inspired by the medical sector, just like the classic doctor and patient role play. … These practices aren’t terribly common—for every fan there are at least another ten who consider them to be in bad taste—but a niche of enthusiasts see them as the ultimate in extreme eroticism.

I wasn’t aware it was all that rare, being that most dungeons have medical play rooms. But it was good of him to let everyone know most people think it’s in bad taste. So if a newbie into it is reading this book they’ll be aware. (You’re not alone, newbie—it’s not at all rare.)

On Cutting and Scarification:

I must stress that this practice is not normally considered part of BDSM and is generally even rarer than fire branding: I am only mentioning it for the sake of thoroughness and to avoid misunderstandings. Outside of the artistic context of body decoration, attacking the skin with blades or scratches, feeling the urge to disfigure it or to draw blood must be seen as indicators of a potentially dangerous mental illness, which has no place in the world of eroticism.

Must it? It must, apparently. I know some mentally ill people. They seem so nice and productive, too.

It was somewhere around in here I stopped highlighting The Judgements, but I happened to remember one and went to find the quote. It was about FinDoms. It only caught my eye because I recently met one, who was a lovely person and explained what it was like. She was basically on call all the time so she hadn’t done it in awhile because it was exhausting.

FinDom is short for financial domination. The author explains what this is over a long paragraph, his disdain apparent, then ends with this:

I will refrain from making unpublishable comments.

But that lets us know what he thinks anyway. So much for disinterested. Maybe the word he was looking for was a different word.

People into cybersex and webcams:

Apparently it is the sport of choice for unhappy spouses, immature people of all ages and —in perhaps the only remotely understandable case—couples who are temporarily separated by long distances. The perversion lies in how the people who love this type of activity often refuse to meet their online partners in person, which frankly sounds a bit unhealthy to me.

I bet people reading this can say how to re-write this to make it unbiased. Go on, try it yourself at home.

Amongst all of this, he gave advice on how to practice some highly extreme and complex kinks. As I mentioned before–he was cool with people consuming other people faeces. The man isn’t a prude. But it doesn’t matter if you accept 98% of the group if you make the other 2% feel like crap about who they are. That actually alienates that 2% even further.

‘Oh, you’re okay with people who [insert extreme fetish here], but my interest means I need professional help.’

That was one of the more confusing aspects–the reader would truly never know what he would be okay with.

It was the kink version of ‘I’m not racist because I have a black friend.’

‘I’m not biased against extreme kinks, see? I’m totally cool with people doing this one! And that one. And those over there. But you know, those bad kinks… they’re the problem… Those are the ones you have to look out for.’

How To Do Kink Right:

…it is also true that unless you explore your presumed limits and attempt to overcome them, albeit slightly, you will never experience that magnificent ecstasy which for the sub is achieved through total loss of control, and for the Dom by savouring this condition in his partner.

Never. Be sure to do it right.

Another important note for all you D-types out there:

In this regard the dominant is also responsible for ensuring that his affection for the person in his hands doesn’t lead to treating them too tenderly.

No comment.

Other quotes of note.

Taking control of a sub’s most intimate physical dimension—especially in the case of anal penetration—is tantamount to possessing their mind, in a lesson on domination you both will never forget. While during the first few minutes even the slightest attempt to resist causes discomfort or pain that leads to unconditional and voluntary submission, soon thereafter instinctual reactions kick in and make the sub lose control of their body, which becomes a puppet in the hands of the dominant.

Is…is there some sort of internal ‘sub’ switch in the anus I didn’t see in my anatomy 101 book? Or is this kink jargon? You can possess someone’s mind through their butt now. No wonder straight dudes are so jumpy about the backdoor.

According to some frescos dating back to ancient Greece, ladies have been using objects tied to their pelvis to penetrate their play partners as if they were men for a few thousand years.

‘As if they were men.’ Or, as if their play partners enjoys being penetrated and they enjoyed penetrating someone. Lowkey homophobia and sexism for the win. Men don’t tie things to their pelvis in order to penetrate people. That’d be like saying, ‘That guy went down on that woman until she came—just like a lesbian!’ People who have sex with people who have vaginas do that.

In the ‘where to meet people’ section he talks about ‘Fake Parties’, which are fetish parties held at clubs that aren’t dedicated BDSM dungeons. The derision in this section is palpable. Everyone doesn’t have access to a nearby dungeon or munch. Sometimes being able to be around other kinksters during a fetish event for one night is the best they’re going to get. Don’t make people feel bad they don’t live in a metropolis.

‘Fake parties’… It’s like kinky Mean Girls…

Among the many alternative styles of bondage, Japanese kinbaku—also improperly known as shibari…

Well, excuse me and everyone else.

While we’re on incorrect language, though, I mentioned inexistent and sensoriality. Others misused in the book were ‘contraindication’, which is a medical term and was being used to mean something like ‘there is no reason not to’. Also ‘deresponsibilization’, which isn’t a word at all, but was supposed to mean something like being in subspace or being removed from all sense of responsibility.

Then there was a particular use of the word ‘organism’ you see with people who speak English as a second language. It’s used to mean the person’s entire body. English speakers never say, ‘I need to rest my organism,’ but there are a few instances of sentences like:

Having multiple partners, a weak organism or bad hygiene increases the risk of contracting the disease…

Which sounds—to a native English speaker—like you have a little, single-cell amoeba in a dish who isn’t feeling so well. Which is kind of adorable.

I only bring this up because when I mentioned English issues to our good author he didn’t get how his two English readers could have missed the problems.

Maybe they skimmed it.

Sex Sex Sex

The author didn’t like that I said his version of BDSM was all about sex—he felt he represented non-sexual BDSM well, I suppose.

To that I have some quotes:

For our purposes however there is only one aspect to keep in mind: sexual arousal. In simple terms, the more aroused you are, the easier it is to bear the suffering.

And:

Relationships founded purely on domination without sexual contact, do exist and may well be very thrilling, but they cannot completely replace a normal adult relationship and its carnal components without transforming into a pathology.

There are many, many people who have non-sexual M/s or D/s relationships. Some people are asexual, some people can’t have sex, some people choose not to introduce sex in order not to cloud the purity of the power exchange. Some people have sex with their vanilla partner and a power exchange with someone else.

The phrase ‘normal adult relationship’ is remarkably condescending, as though relationships are only valid if sex is involved. I do enjoy ‘may well be very thrilling’, though. You can hear the chuckle. ‘I’m sure that’s fun for you amateurs, but us grown ups who are doing the real kink are having sex.’

Another questionable assertion about sex:

So at the bottom of all this is sex, done right: committing to BDSM before having explored the range of possibilities offered by vanilla eroticism would be a pity to say the least.

Sex is the point. This is a myth of BDSM. It doesn’t have to be about sex at all. The idea that a person has to get their bachelor’s in vanilla sex before going on to get a master’s or PhD in kink leaves people out who’ve never been interested in vanilla sex. Or are asexual. That’s like saying ‘Going on to gay sex without trying straight sex first is a pity.’

How is it a pity? What’s pitiful about not having something you don’t want?

More sex:

[Sex is] the greatest pleasure life allows us.

Wow. I’m missing out. For every single person on Earth it’s the greatest pleasure? What does that mean for people who can’t have sex?

Sex again:

Regardless or not a persona is used, this is the essence of BDSM: one directs the action, the other follows in the oldest game in the world: that of arousal and pleasure.

It doesn’t have to be about that. It can be about control, trust, creativity. The author is big on people exploring every type of physical sensation but seems to forget the range of emotions involved.

Incorrect Information Ahoy!

He asserts that all STDs can be treated or at least kept at bay. This is not true when it comes to HPV—people with cervixes can find out by pap smear if they have the cancer-causing type after they’ve developed abnormal cell growth, but they will have had it for quite some time (years, even) before then and can have been passing it around. There is no test for people with penises. People with penises can pass it around, though, and get all sorts of delightful cancers from it.

The only way to prevent getting it in the first place is to have children vaccinated and using latex or other barriers.

Fun fact: HPV is the most prevalent STI in the U.S. A quick search says 50% of people in Europe with get HPV in some form in their lives. But go ahead—bathe in other people’s bodily fluids. Your body will probably kick the disease easily, and if not, cervical, anal, penile, vaginal and mouth and throat cancer are no biggie.

Under lubricants, he recommends KY Jelly. This is a bad idea, as it can cause infertility and yeast infections.

I covered the whole ‘I haven’t seen anyone get breast cancer so it’s fine’ thing already.

Who This Book Was For and Why That’s a Problem

While I’m giving you quotes… The author answered my question about who the intended audience was—it was for a general audience. Average Vanilla-Person.

This is hugely problematic.

If it were for kinky people, then some people reading the book would know this guy didn’t speak for everyone, but since this was for people who know nothing about kink they’ll take his word as gospel. If this person is calling certain people freaks and saying other people are mentally ill and taking the tone of ‘wait until you see what’s behind this curtain’ then it’s okay for them to, as well.

Perhaps all those great reviews were from people who had their fears confirmed.

Early on, the author says this book isn’t his way of saying his way is the only way of doing things, but he doesn’t offer other philosophies when it counts. For example, when he’s discussing how D/s works, it starts with the quote from above:

The truth is that subs are driven by the urge to experience the sensations they so dearly love, and—at least in the early stages of the relationship—they are merely looking for someone capable of giving them what they want. In many cases their actions are guided by simple masochistic narcissism, that is the search for pain and trials to overcome, thus proving their worth to themselves or atoning for their perceived guilt.

Not all bottoms are masochists. People in the scene are supposed to know themselves and what they want and negotiate… I’m getting ahead of my rant.

Here’s the next part:

[The Dom’s] starting point must be the ridiculous concession of ‘do everything I want to me’ to gradually suggest new situations, introduce unexpected delights, inch their way closer to their own desires. If they manage to do this, the subs themselves will want to renegotiate the original terms in order to enjoy new pleasures. The game consists in softening limitations, doing away with embarrassment and entertaining the will to experiment—turning egotism into openness, and provocation into possession. This way, step by step, what was initially a mere illusion of submission is transformed into something real and tangible.

Subs are narcissistic masochists who want to experience pain and need an all-knowing Dom to manipulate them into being good submissives. Do I have that right?

The next section is called ‘The Contract’ and includes this:

For this, all you need to know is how to seduce your partner until they stop resisting, which may take some time but shouldn’t really be a problem for any sensualist worthy of their name.

Oh, I do have it right. Manipulate your sub.

(There’s no other description of how two people might approach this sort of relationship—nothing about two people actually being self-aware adults who intentionally build a power exchange together.)

When talking about negotiation he says this:

…agreement is as annoying as it is essential.

Which may explain the manipulation part. If you find negotiation annoying (rather than an interesting way to learn about your partner) you agree to whatever and then manipulate—I mean seduce—them around to what you actually want.

Not only is this enormously problematic in terms of non-kinky people thinking this is how all kinky people work, but if someone is new to the scene or considering joining and this is their first information from an authority there are some questionable assertions here.

If I read this before anything else and seriously thought the first Domme I was with was going to try to ‘seduce’ me to her way of thinking or out of what I wanted to do or that sex was the entire point… I wouldn’t trust one single D-type I met, for one, and for two I’d think I’d never be able to do kink ‘right’ as a nonsexual person.

Which, if there’s one thing I absolutely know, it’s that there is no one right way. There’s no one way that is going to be perfect and correct for every single person. People come to kink by all sorts of paths in order to achieve all sorts of ends. The point of kink is to grow and learn about yourself and as long as everyone is aware and consenting then other people need to shut up.

No one else can know how profound your own experiences are. Never let anyone tell you your experiences or your kinks are invalid.

[This was only about 1/3 of the quotes and notes I had. I don’t skim. I take a selection of what works and what doesn’t and compress for time on the show. I am 100% done with this book now, as I’ve spent far more time on it than I ever intended to and have much more important things to be getting on with.]

Apr 09 2017

Sub Journal 010: Perversion and Normality

One person’s perversion is another’s normality. –Julie Peakman

This is the unofficial motto of my site and is the opening line of Peakman’s book The Pleasure’s All Mine: A History of Perverse Sex (podcast review, written review). The quote works in a couple of ways, but I think the overall message is that you’re normal for you. Whatever you’re interested in comes naturally to you so it’s natural. And if something’s natural then any shame or disgust is a product of other people’s opinions, which are shaped by culture, time, place, religion, etc.

The quote could be both speaking to someone who is judging another and also a reminder that just because your desires don’t seem ‘normal’ in this time and place doesn’t mean that what is considered healthy always was. The people currently practising acceptable sex are doing things that were considered quite odd five hundred years ago. ‘Normal’ is entirely subjective. You’re never going to please everyone so you might as well please yourself since you’re the one you have to live with on a day-to-day basis. (I mean this within the confines of being a law-abiding citizen.)

This quote also reminds me of a more serious version of ‘It’s only kinky the first time.’ If you naturally express certain aspects of your personality, sexuality or intimacy with your partner using particular acts, it’s not really kinky or unusual—it’s simply the language you use. It may not be the same language that is currently ‘acceptable’, but that doesn’t make it wrong. If both you and your partner understand and appreciate it, and it draws you closer together, then what does it matter if you don’t wish to speak the language of traditional intimacy?

Apr 06 2017

Episode 048: BDSM by Ayzad

Listen to “Episode 048- BDSM” on Spreaker.

Episode the forty-eighth; Wherein the pageist is glad to be back, expresses gratitude for fans, and talks about why nudity is boring. The book reviewed is BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism by Ayzad.

.54 Intro & Announcements:

  • The Pageist is sponsored in part by The Church of Sinvention. If you shop at ChurchofSinvention.com and use the TPOK10 code you’ll get 10 percent off your order.
  • A reminder–the show is now on a new hosting provider–Spreaker. You may need to manually change your feed, or refresh your feed. The new feed is: http://www.spreaker.com/show/2201566/episodes/feed
  • TPOK Radio is now streaming 24/7 just like … well, radio. You can listen to all the shows on the network without downloading, by going here.
  • Welcome Darkside Magazine! It’s an online and print magazine for kinky people of all persuasions who are also sponsoring TPOK Radio shows. Check them out at Darksidemag.net If you like what you see–let them know where you heard of them.
  • I’m personally going to be running a giveaway for listeners and readers of the blog of adult colouring books and other fun things–I’ll announce more information about that in the next couple weeks.
  • New countries: Croatia, Philippines, Vietnam.
  • A few new Facebook follows and a like from Jess. Welcome!
  • Thank you to the recent survey responders. More information is good information. The survey is anonymous and short and can be taken here: http://www.podtrac.com/audience/start-survey.aspx?pubid=iPbbHhuqVWOI&ver=standard
  • And finally. A big thank you to drut and Eros. Two listeners who said exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.

7.04 My Submissive Life:

12.34 Book Review:

  • This episode’s book is BDSM: A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism by Ayzad. It’s a 600 page mixture of excellent practical advice on how to do a wide array of activities combined with judgment on any number of kinks and fetishes the author doesn’t approve of. Whether or not the book will work for you will depend on what you’re looking for.
  • The author’s website Ayzad.com has a wealth of resources, though.

26.54 Closing Remarks:

  • Thank you for tuning in!
  • In the next episode the topic will be kink and health–mental and physical.
  • Support the show and site on Patreon!
  • Like The Pageist on Facebook, follow on Twitter, Tumblr, Goodreads, Quora, Medium, and Instagram and join the Fetlife group.
  • You can also subscribe to the website through the email form in the sidebar.
  • Subscribe to the iTunes feed here. You can also rate the show in iTunes, which would be much appreciated!
  • The show is also available for download or subscription on Spreaker.
  • All episodes can be heard in an embedded player on this page.

Apr 02 2017

Meditations for submissives 007

The Meditation for April is all-round good advice and completely straightforward, as well.

(For less-than-straightforward, but no less useful entries in this series, start here.)

This is from Book One, Number Ten

The Maxwell Stanisforth translation in full:

It was the critic Alexander who put me on my guard against unnecessary fault-finding. People should not be sharply corrected for bad grammar, provincialisms, or mispronunciations; it is better to suggest the proper expression by tactfully introducing it oneself in, say, one’s reply to a question or one’s acquiescence in their sentiments, or into a friendly discussion of the topic itself (not of the diction), or by some other suitable form of reminder.

This is always necessary advice to us pedants. No one likes an overly-fussy submissive. Or Dominant, for that matter. Be polite, basically.

Status update

Listeners, I am still coughing to the point of being unable to breathe, which is not conducive to podcasting. Beyond that, I’m finally feeling a bit better and trying to catch up on work. There’s a giveaway in the works, so stay tuned for that!

Mar 15 2017

The Reunion by Laura Antoniou

[This is the text of the book review from episode 47.]

This episode’s book review is The Reunion by Laura Antoniou. As mentioned in the previous episode, this book is 640 pages long, by far the longest book in The Marketplace series. Thus far. I will be checking book length from now on so I know what I’m getting myself into.

The Marketplace is a world-wide, international organisation that helps people fulfil their dreams of total slavehood by training them then auctioning them off to serve owners—people who also get to live out their desires of owning a human being, but consensually. There are spotters, slave trainers, people who train the trainers, I believe there are people who train owners and, of course, the slaves themselves.

And, oh, are there a variety of types of slaves. Chambermaids, pleasure slaves, slaves who are nannies, butlers, slaves who are in place to train the other slaves in a house. Oh, the slaves you’ll know.

Each book examines a different aspect of the Marketplace.

So, we’re up to the fifth book in the series—this review will not contain spoilers.

Reunions are yearly gatherings for slaves and former slaves of the Marketplace held in five star resorts all over the world.

This particular year, the reunion is being held at Kayleigh Castle, in Ireland. At its name would suggest—it’s a castle. Massive thing it is, too. On sprawling grounds with a lake, golf course, stables—the works.

Attendees are not confined to the grounds, though. A van is at their disposal to visit other castles—for trips to the local village for shopping, meals or whatever else they’d like to do.

During reunions, resorts are given over entirely to Marketplace guests so no one has to worry about people not in-the-know overhearing a conversation or… screaming, as the castle and its staff is prepared to provide implements and supplies for a variety of uses at any time of the day or night. Some members are prepared to provide themselves for use, as well.

For Kayleigh is staffed by Marketplace slaves—Chris Parker trained there very early in his career, in fact—as well as soft world people. ‘Soft world’ is what non-Marketplace people are called in the universe of the books.

It’s an intriguing prospect—regular humans who know how a human consensual slave trade works and who work alongside it, but who don’t say anything.

Funny you should bring it up!

While our guests are relaxing and reminiscing about the good ol’ days—and I’ll get to that herd of people in a moment—a pond scum journalist named Nigel Pepper is doing his level best to break the story of the sex slave trade.

Someone on the inside claims to have information—they’ve been sending him dribs and drabs—enough to help him get some photographs of what appears to be one motley assortment of humanity, but nothing really concrete. What he needs to do is get inside that castle.

You can imagine what kind of security this sort of function has, though. These people aren’t idiots.

On to the motley assortment of humanity.

The reason this book is so long is because it has a cast of thousands. And it’s written in first person omniscient, which means you can hear everyone’s thoughts. I give Antoniou credit for being able to capture an incredible array of voices. Her command of human psychology is masterful.

I didn’t make notes on the characters involved so let’s see how many I can recall…

The story starts with everyone getting on the plane to go to Ireland or arriving at the airport or some such thing. The Reunion itself lasts a week and the book is broken into days.

There’s the ever-present Chris Parker. He says his age this time—he’s thirty-eight! Oh! I thought he was older than I am, but he seems so mature. Per usual, we learn more about him and his story. How the hell old is he in the first book? This makes me want to make a wiki of the Marketplace world, because I have all the time to do this. I found a wiki, but it hasn’t been updated in awhile and isn’t very complete.

Anyway, also present is Robin—the protagonist from book two—The Slave. She’s got some heavy things on her mind since spoilery things have happened in her contract.

A new character, who quickly became one of my all-time favourites is Billy-Ray—a red-headed, Southerner who isn’t the most refined human being but wants to help everyone he meets. He has a thing for black guys. This is important. Antoniou nails his accent. Billy-Ray is a kind of slave that hasn’t been mentioned in any of the previous books—there’s always something new to learn.

Desmond is being forced to take a holiday by his owners and he’s not happy about it. Mister Mopey-Pants gripes, complains and pouts for days. He’s an angry guy over his situation back home. Billy-Ray likes him, though, and is determined to help him out. He’s also very keen to have sex with the guy.

There’s Lisa and Richard. They’ve brought their children along (this is a families-allowed reunion). The kids spend a great deal of the time off with the other children in the Druid’s club, playing games and going on adventures and being none-the-wiser what their parents are up to.

Richard is an ex-slave who served for one contract and Lisa runs a group for spouses of slaves. Desmond isn’t the only person with a less-than-rosy view of the Marketplace and slavedom. As the week wears on, the reader (and everyone there) begins to wonder why the ever-loving hell Richard decided to come on this vacation. His wife is equally baffled, as his behaviour is unusual.

Their daughter, Amy, is eleven and Antoniou gets the mercurial whims of an eleven year old girl who has no one her exact age to talk to so pitch perfect it made me laugh while also making me want to strangle the girl. Sakes alive.

Tequila! Tequila is a former LAPD cop who is now a slave who works as a security guard. She’s black, she’s butch, she’s not taking any shit from anyone. Lord almighty do I love Tequila.

Oh god. The scroll of other guests has just unfurled in my mind… I don’t have the strength. There are fewer characters in Middle Earth. And they all have their own motivations and voices.

Lucretia… I can’t say anything without spoiling a lot, but Lucretia is memorable. Chandra—a pleasure slave here to fix to world… and would probably succeed. Gladys. I like Gladys. Al and Lloyd. One is a former slave, the other is soft world, but they were both in the leather scene and look back on those days fondly. And more.

And we haven’t done downstairs—the people who work at Kayleigh and the Marketplace slaves in training. There’s about a dozen of those, as well.

Mr Blake—who trained Chris and is responsible for the newest crop.

Azziz—the staff (non-Marketplace) who’s around all the time even though he certainly doesn’t have to be. Makes one wonder if he really wants to be a slave or what.

Mackenzie—the female butler assigned to Chris during his stay (Azziz is assigned to Chandra, the pleasure slave). Upright and a perfectionist—I hope to see more of Mackenzie in future instalments.

Rosie—she feels she’s in competition with MacKenzie (though that’s not how it works) and finds herself wanting. She’s been sent to Kayleigh for specific instruction in certain areas by her trainers, Lord and Lady Southerby.

And now we’re on to those two.

Phillip and Angelique Southerby are young but outstanding London-based trainers. They are being courted by the Regents (something I can’t recall being mentioned in previous books). The Regents are sort of an exclusive club of trainers. In order to be in the group a person has to be trained for a couple years or more by someone already in the club.

There are no regents in Britain and it would be quite the coup to bring these two on board. So that’s one of Chris’s jobs while he’s there. Because the man is incapable of completely relaxing for an entire week.

To tie things up a little—that Nigel Pepper guy has stalked the Southerby’s on other occasions—getting photos of Lady Southerby (an American, the horror!) topless—she has a nipple ring! Scandal!

So he’s extra intrigued by seeing Phil chatting to Chris. It only makes him more determined to get his story.

That’s the basics. Really—there’s much more to say.

There’s one rather extended—several pages long—section that covers something we don’t talk about as a culture. When I was reading the section I thought, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Antoniou?’ But then, when she revealed the last card, as it were, I thought, ‘You clever bitch. That is going to get some people.’ Some people reading that section are going to have to confront some hard truths about themselves and how they view the world.

Antoniou doesn’t shy away from difficult topics or complex issues that people in the kink community deal with—what turns people on isn’t always politically correct and that stirs up some heavy emotions. This book is not purely wank fodder—though there is certainly something for everyone to get their knickers off for. Or to. Except maybe furries—I don’t think she’s covered that yet.

This book isn’t just about hot, kinky sex. It also examines race, feminism, gender identity, ageing, probably other things I can’t recall because I wasn’t expecting all that in erotica and didn’t make notes.

The Reunion is definitely the most thought-provoking of the Marketplace books and possibly the most intellectually-stimulating erotica you’ll read.

It’s certainly the most well-written I’ve read thus far.

You could probably read this one out of order of the series, but I wouldn’t recommend it. There are things that happen in the other books that set up events in this one (and the other books are excellent, as well).

An enthusiastic 5/5.

Mar 13 2017

Episode 047: The Reunion

Episode the Forty-Seventh; Wherein the Pageist gets to grips with new technology of all sorts, deals with the end of a cold, and is happy to be home. The book reviewed is The Reunion by Laura Antoniou.

TPOK Radio is brought to you by The Church of Sinvention. Use TPOK10 to get 10% off!

0.555 Intro & Announcments:

  • The podcast is brought to you by The Church of Sinvention. Use TPOK10 to get 10% off.
  • Ross and Dedria–hello to you on the Facebook!
  • There will be an adult colouring book giveaway soon–stay tuned for more information.

3.55 My Submissive Life:

  • Eroticon was great. London can take a leap. Friends are the best.
  • Macs are elitist, but they’re better than laptops that shut down for no reason and stop recording when you’re trying to make a podcast. I’ll adjust.
  • Create a podcast episode with Garageband for Mac

12.45 Book Review:

  • The book this episode is The Reunion by Laura Antoniou. Reunions are gatherings for slaves and ex-slaves to relax in five-star establishments around the world, which are also staffed by Marketplace slaves. This particular reunion takes place in a castle in Ireland and sees previous characters mingling with new, very memorable, characters. They talk about the good (and not-so-good) old days, and the reader learns that not all former slaves look back on their time in service fondly.
    Meanwhile, a journalist is doing his level best to crack onto a sex slave ring he’s heard about–the Marketplace. He has an informant inside the castle they’re all supposed to be staying in for the week, but security is tight. It hasn’t been kept a secret for hundreds of years for nothing.
  • Other books in the series I’ve reviewed on the show: The Marketplace, The Slave, The Trainer, and The Academy.
  • Marketplace Wikia. ALL THE SPOILERS.

27.15 Closing Remarks:

Mar 12 2017

Sub Journal 009: Tolerance of Others

How tolerant are you of others who live in a lifestyle that would not suit you and who live in such a way it does not affect you? Do you consider yourself open minded? How do you react when others judge your lifestyle as fantasy?

I wouldn’t say I’m tolerant—I would say that I’m accepting of people who live their lives differently, as long as it doesn’t effect me (someone who believes people like me should be denied rights, for example). I tell people to ‘find their level’, because what is normal and healthy for one person would be stressful and unnatural to another person. I certainly know what it’s like to be judged and I’d never want to make another person feel that way.

I definitely consider myself open-minded. I grew up in a place that most definitely wasn’t tolerant, let alone open-minded or accepting, and I didn’t get why or how it was possible to dislike people for something they have no control over. I’m more interested in why people are interested in what they’re interested in.

In terms of what is considered healthy and what is considered fantasy—power exchange is two autonomous (or more) adults, consciously deciding how they want to structure a relationship based on what everyone involved needs and wants with the understanding those needs and wants may shift. ‘Traditional’ hetero, vanilla, romantic relationships rarely involve conversations about consent or desires, hinge on the notion of one person answering another person’s every need and rely on the ‘happily ever after’ trope. Which one of those sounds like a bigger fantasy? One of those two types of relationships acknowledges actual human beings are involved and the other tells the people involved they’ve failed if they don’t magically know what to do with this whole other person—without asking, because that spoils the ‘romance’.

By the same token, it’s understandable for people who’ve been told the way they naturally connect with others is the ‘normal’, correct and healthy way of doing things. People enjoy feeling like their way is the right way. It’s easy to misunderstand something when you’ve only been exposed to inaccurate versions of it in the media. Versions that have been written by other non-kinky people with their own prejudices.

It’s common for people to view the way other people conduct their lives or relationships as a rebuke of their own choices, whether it’s choosing to remain childfree to being polyamorous, and will respond as though, by merely existing, the non-traditional person, is telling the traditional person that they’ve made a mistake. This is is no more true than saying because jeans are comfortable for me all people should wear jeans and anyone who chooses to wear a skirt, kilt, slacks, sari or anything else should be defensive about it, as if my choice to wear jeans is my way of saying, ‘What I wear is correct for everyone. Differ and suffer my disdain!’

What is comfortable for one person—one person’s level—isn’t going to be for everyone else.

Different isn’t bad or wrong. It’s just different.

If people are allowed to be comfortable in something as basic as clothing, why are we all expected to conform when it comes to something as complex as relationships or sexuality or desire?

In terms of how I react to people who judge me, externally, it depends on the circumstances and the person. Some people clearly aren’t interested in being educated and it’s not worth the emotional energy. Usually, I try to calmly explain how I feel and what I think. Generally, people will treat you the way you behave and if you are calm and rational and behave like an intelligent, courteous human who knows themselves and something about what you’re talking about then the least that comes out of it is that you look like the grown up in the situation.

[This prompt comes from submissiveguide, which I’ve reviewed on this site]

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