May 23 2017

Episode 052: Decoding Your Kink

Episode the fifty-second; Wherein the Pageist seems to have become an adult at some point, meditates on the importance of finding your place and learns about her personal erotic myth. The book reviewed is Decoding Your Kink: Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires by Galen Fous.

.45 Intro and Announcements:

9.50 My Submissive Life:

  • is two years old. When I started the site I could have never forseen where it would take me. I’m so grateful for what I get to do.

12.39 Book Review:

35.55 Closing Remarks:

  • Thank you for tuning in!
  • In the next episode I’ll be interviewing Graydancer of Kink Sex Culture about consent.
  • Support the show and site on Patreon!
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May 20 2017

Migraines are the devil

I have been laid low by a post-blood-donation migraine. This week’s episode will be up by Monday.

May 12 2017

Joan Ferguson is Not the Domme You’re Looking For

[Disclaimers: This post is about Joan Ferguson from Wentworth (or Wentworth Prison), not the character from the original show Prisoner: Cell Block H. This post has spoilers up through series five.
I owe a great deal to Joan Ferguson (and the actress who plays the role so well), as she’s helped me realise some of the darker truths of my nature. Due to that I now have a podcast and website devoted to kink.
I love the character and wouldn’t change the way she’s being written or portrayed—this post is not a criticism of those things, as I believe creative decisions belong to the show-runners who have a longer view and wider vision than viewers. I’m enjoying watching their vision play out.
Also, there are a couple gifs I don’t have a source for–if they’re yours, please let me know and I’ll credit you.]

Introduction to This Very Long Post

Two years ago I wrote a post entitled The Ultimate Domme about this character—in it I asserted that Joan Ferguson, then Governor of Wentworth Correctional Centre, was the ultimate Domme.

Over the previous two years I’ve learned a decent amount about BDSM, and the character has been developed more completely by the writers and actress.

Now: Joan Ferguson is the person we’d warn people about in the kink scene.

It’s not all bad news, though. If Dommey-Joan is your thing, I have your back.

In this piece I’ll talk about what we have about Joan kink-wise in canon, then why she’s all the red flags you could want, then I’ll give you why she could have been a Domme and finally, what she’d be like as a Domme in an AU.

First, some good news:

Evidence Canon Joan Would be Excellent at Kink

  • Joan is a sexual sadist—the actress who plays her (Pamela Rabe) has said she believes the character gets a great deal of sexual satisfaction from the things she does to people. She clearly enjoyed doing a cavity search on a particularly difficult inmate…
  • …and during a scene where another inmate used her to commit suicide (it’s a complicated situation, but trust me), Joan couldn’t have been more into it if she’d been wearing one of those strap ons that press against the pubic bone just the right way.
  • Sexual sadists are all fine and good when everyone is consenting, but when some people aren’t on board it’s a felony. (Felonies get you thrown in prison and then you don’t get to wear your hot-ass uniform and have to wear the Teal Jumper of Penance. It’s not worth it.)
  • She’s more of a reaction junkie—another word I’ve heard kinky tops called—because when she witnesses someone she likes moaning over ice cream it gives her some jollies. This is positive because she could do any number of things to another person and enjoy it as long as the other person had an extreme reaction.
  • She’s germ-phobic and would therefore be A+ with barriers and other safety protocols. I don’t believe the woman would ever touch another human being with her bare hands if she didn’t have to.
  • Joan loves props. Leather gloves, batons, pencils, fencing foils, etc. And she’s no slouch. She knows how to use any prop she comes into contact with like a pro. (See next point.)
  • She’s strong. She throws other women around like it ain’t no thang.

I am suddenly very, very interested in rough body play. (source)

  • She’s incredibly inventive. Whether in a bare ‘Correctional Officers Only’ room with a bucket of water and mentholated spirits, a prison psych ward with naught but a red pencil and a mentally unstable inmate, or a dentist’s office with a slightly loopy rapist and bog standard dental supplies, Joan Ferguson can put together an entire kink scene in a matter of seconds. It is a goddamn shame she’s a lunatic, let me tell you. Loss to the entire kink community.
  • It’s not just about physical domination, either. We’ve seen her mentally and verbally top people time and time again—sometimes in conversation, sometimes in humiliating/degrading ways. Without negotiating, she can work out exactly what will have the most profound effect on another person. Imagine what she could do with a CEPE checklist.
  • She also understands the anatomy of a kink scene. One person describes some of the ‘quality treatment’ she’s received (she doesn’t call it that, but that’s what it was) and afterward she says Joan was ‘so nice’. Which sounds like aftercare to me. This also sounds like Joan got something out of it and was basking. This is an image after one of their moments.

I prefer my cuddles on a soft bed, but you do you. (source)

  • The bottom from that scene is in the front. Joan is in the back—she seems dazed herself and I wonder what the script said.
  • She has more money than God. Toys for days. You could go to kink conferences all over the world.
  • She fences, which requires focus, strength and practise, much like throwing a whip would do.
  • And she looks like this the rest of the time.

I mean. (source)


Canon Joan is the Bad Kind of Sadist

Two years ago we couldn’t have known that Joan is one giant red flag—she appeared to have many traits that would make her an ideal D-type (Dominant, Mistress/Master, Owner, etc).

She was calm, intelligent, had an encyclopaedic understanding of human psychology. She wanted to ‘protect’ a person who was important to her (this is very Domly).

Contrary to how the media likes to portray BDSM exchanges, it’s not all about what the D-type wants—if the s-type (sub, slave, pet, property, etc) doesn’t get things they want they won’t stay. D-types generally want to make sure their s-type is well cared for.

After awhile the red flags began waving like a storm warning.

This. In every direction you look. It’s weird. (source)

The writers have made her a psychopath—or, as we like to say, one of the bad sadists. (Important note: Not all psychopaths enjoy physically hurting other humans.)

(Another important note: Not all people who enjoy hurting other humans are psychopaths. Some are fun people here to give you a good time!)

  • Psychopaths get bored very easily. She had to get into general so she could manipulate the hell out of everything with a prefrontal cortex. While that’s fun to watch (and I will follow her into Hell—don’t get me wrong), it’s not the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with. And it’s certainly not the sort of person you want to be in a power exchange with.
  • Good D-types don’t manipulate—they’re straightforward with what they need and want.
  • Joan doesn’t open up easily—I’ll get more into this in the third section of this piece—but good D-types need to be in touch with their vulnerability. They need to know their weaknesses and be able to show that side of themselves to their s-type. This one isn’t entirely her fault, but the stone-cold-Dom/me is not an ideal. It allows the s-type no room for humanity, either.
  • Psychopaths are who they need to be moment-to-moment to get what they want. There’s nothing on the inside of a psychopath. They’re sort of wearing a people-mask. Jess Warner hadn’t mastered the art of keeping her mask on all the time. Joan playing people by being 900 different characters is delightful, but good D-types have integrity. They’re the same person through-and-through. Lying about who they are is anathema to them.
  • Joan would probably enjoy someone doing everything she wanted and who allowed her to indulge her sadism, but she needs to feel like she’s outsmarting people.
  • Even if she had the most hardcore masochist and devoted Leather slave at home, she’d still go to work at Wentworth and torture people there all day. (In my AU, she’s still Governor, okay?) Because there would be people getting in the way of whatever she was trying to accomplish and they’d have to pay. I love her, but she doesn’t lack ego.

For her to be a good D-type she’d have to not be dangerous to society. Here’s how that could be.

How Joan Ferguson Could Have Been a Domme

I have been fascinated by serial killers and sociopaths since I was a young teenager and have read quite a bit about them. It’s rare for psychopaths to be born—it happens, but it’s odd—usually psychopathy is created. Severe child abuse is one part of the equation, as is some other mental illness. You need a combo. (Thankfully, or else there would be many more of them out here.)

It has been intimated that Joan’s father raped her. Though that could have been a manipulation. He certainly was a difficult man to please as a human being. One thing after another has happened to Joan to remove her further from humanity.

As mentioned before—she doesn’t open up easily, due to her father teaching her emotions were weakness—when you grow up without access to your emotions you lose the ability to reach them. They atrophy.

If she had been met with kindness at some point—if she had been given the opportunity to experience someone seeing her for her, meeting her on her level, and accepting her that way—things could have gone differently.

I’m not saying she wouldn’t still have had a propensity for kink—a person can be oriented that way no matter their background.

In one of Gloria Brame’s books she interviewed a person who said she was glad she’d discovered BDSM when she was 18 because otherwise she would have gone through life being ‘a complete shitfuck asshole’. She was very dominant, but because she had people to do these things with consensually she didn’t feel compelled to non-consensually dominate every person in her path. She could also identify what she was in the first place, which is the first step to not being a terrible person.

I rather feel that if Joan had met the right sort of submissive when she was eighteen or so, maybe things would have gone a bit differently. Someone who could have helped her realise some things—smell the kinky coffee, as it were—and given her a creative, consensual outlet. If that had happened there’d be a different Joan Ferguson out there in AUland. Even later she would have had a chance. After the last couple years, I don’t know if she has a chance—she’s been humiliated, degraded and had to do too many things that further separate her from the rest of humanity.

At the same time—she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. Psychopaths generally don’t.

However, we’ve established that if you want someone in charge of your body, mind and life, you want it to be the Joan Ferguson with a full compliment of empathy, compassion, self awareness and vulnerability, though, so, not the one we currently have in canon.

[If you were with canon Joan and someone convinced her you’d betrayed her she’d kill or maim you. She’s not the most stable person so it wouldn’t be that difficult to convince her of your betrayal, since she’s been betrayed so many times. If you’re okay with being killed or maimed for her…well, I’m more interested in realistic power exchange, which is what this piece is about.]

What Sort of Domme AU Joan Ferguson Would Have Been

There are different types of power exchange styles but I’m pretty certain Joan would have been into Leather. Not just because she likes her leather gloves, but because it’s based in a military background and can have quite strict protocol. She likes her things just so and while any D-type can have everything ‘just so’ in their relationship, I feel the military background fits.

{Though I’m of two minds on Joan’s father being military. He had a certain bearing, yes, but they also have an enormous amount of money that makes me wonder about a drugs connection. She mentions his ‘foot soldiers’ at one point, which is a term for people who actually sell drugs on the street, as opposed to the people who handle the money and other aspects of the operation. As he’s Russian, and they eventually left Russia, I wondered if he was in the military and eventually ran a drug operation much like a military regime then they fled their home country for this reason. Either way, she grew up with strict control and being allowed to have that over another person would give her great pleasure.}

Mothering: Speaking of Joan’s childhood—we know nothing about her mother. Jianna wrote a letter where she said Joan could get her son off to sleep better than anyone. She has a fondness for babies, even if it seems counterintuitive, but she’s never been allowed to explore that side of herself. Her father actively discouraged feelings and emotion (and probably gentleness), which would explain why she’s so awkward with affection.

If allowed, within the context of an established power exchange, I believe Joan could learn to be gentle and nurturing with another person in a mothering role, which would help her heal some of her own wounds. I’m not necessarily talking about sexualised age play—kink encourages playing and exploring various facets of a person’s personality in non-judgemental ways. If an s-type enjoyed being bathed, cradled, dressed or put to bed, as it made them feel submissive, they could request this and it would allow Joan to care for someone in a way she’d never been able to.

Mentorship: Joan loves to mentor someone. She loves to protect and guide, as well. She wants someone who is absolutely and utterly on her side, who wouldn’t dream of betraying her. And she wants to be the same to that sort of person. She wants to be recognised as the chief authority in another person’s life—someone who knows absolute best. For this reason I think Joan would be into:

24/7 TPE: (24/7 Total Power Exchange) This is practically what she has with the inmates. She tells them what to eat, what to wear, when to get up, how much money they can spend, etc. If someone she respected, who she thought was a worthwhile person, chose to give up all of that authority to her—woo, talk about a head rush.

Some Aspects of Leather: There are what feels like billions of protocols for Leather and I don’t want to get into Old Guard vs New Guard. I’m not well versed enough to really get into it, for one, but one thing that is popular is the s-type removing the D-type’s boots at the end of the day. Somehow I don’t think Joan would like anyone touching her feet. But if you were lucky she’d probably let you shine her shoes eventually. And do leather glove care.

It could be the s-type’s job to always walk to the left and two steps behind and to always open the door for her. (Actually, I can’t make up my mind if she’d want to open the door for her sub or if she’d want her sub to open the door for her. It’s the one thing I can’t decide on.)

Other Possible Protocols:

  • To always help her with her coat first before putting on their own.
  • When you were considered good enough you could take care of her work uniform.
  • To make sure the cutlery and week’s vodka were aligned properly in the drawers and freezer.
  • To clean the fish bowl on a regular schedule.
  • Her house has many shiny surfaces—those will need to be cleaned without streaks.
  • Eventually she may allow you to clean her house when she isn’t there—can you make a bed to military bounce-a-coin-standards?
  • Can you fold a fitted sheet?
  • Can you detail a car? You’ve seen her car.
  • Eventually she’ll let you borrow her car to pick up the dry cleaning. Huge trust moment.
  • Some people prefer to be chauffeured around, while others prefer to do the driving, as it makes them feel in control. Joan would want to do the driving.
  • When you go to restaurants she would order for you—you wouldn’t even get a menu.
  • Cleaning her house—you know you’re going to find hair pins everywhere…somehow.
  • Everything will need to be cleaned and disinfected on the regular. We’re talking about Joan Hazmat Ferguson, here.
  • She will like her coffee and tea a very particular way—colour, sugar, temperature, roast. Learn it. This is what a butler’s book is for. (A book with a person’s every preference in.)
  • Your job is to make her life easier. She will run your life so you can make hers run more smoothly.
  • And she will be very good at running your life.

An occasionally she gets in these break-y moods and you have to clean *that* up. (Thanks to provider!)

Harder things to do:

  • She asks: ‘What are you thinking right now?’ [This is AU Joan who is a good Domme. She needs to know what you’re thinking at all times—she needs to know you as well as she possibly can do. Whether it’s: ‘That you look really hot in skinny jeans’ or ‘Why do you name all of your fish Bob?’ or ‘That song I am slowly going crazy 1-2-3-4-5-6 switch, Crazy going slowly am I 6-5-4-3-2-1 switch!’] Can you answer immediately and honestly?
  • Telling her when she’s being a little too pushy. Even in AUland she’s still Joan with a tendency to command before thinking. because she’s Always Right, yes? AU Joan is aware of it, though, and simply needs to be politely reminded that whatever command hasn’t been negotiated yet. AU Joan doesn’t get shirty about it and ask if you had something better to do.
    ‘No, we hadn’t discussed turning over control of my finances yet, but as you’re clearly excellent at handling money, yes, going to the bank to set up an account with a monthly allowance is a good idea. Discussing long-term investment plans sounds like a plan.’

Other notes because I’ve thought about this a LOT:

  • I bet she’d always want to be called Governor. Not ‘Ma’am’ or ‘Mistress’ or ‘Master’ (in Leather, some women choose to be called ‘Master’ rather than ‘Mistress’.) She’d be Governor at home, too.
  • She’d be a heavy sadist. Inventive like whoa, with a vast array of implements and experience, and into all sorts of scenes. But the woman could bring the pain. She’d be into intense scenes of all types. She’d get that gleam in her eye and you’d be half thrilled and half terrified. Interrogation scene? Medical play? Bondage and forced orgasms? Heavy impact? Chemical play? Fear play? Who knows?!

You’d only know she’d be incredible at it.

And she’d be so nice after.

May 11 2017

Episode 051: Auntie Social

Episode the fifty-first; Wherein the Pageist discusses books, fantasy and reality with Auntie Social. Also, new goals and rewards on the Patreon!

.52 Intro and Announcements:

  • I’m doing a giveaway! Adult colouring books, notebooks, t-shirts and more!
  • Thank you to Eros for pointing out that The Stranger was written by Camus, rather than Sartre. Whoops. One of those French existentialists.
  • The rewards and goals on the show and site’s Patreon have been re-worked–check it out!
  • Thank you to the newest Patreon supporters: Luna and G!

3.06 Interview:

50.50 Closing Remarks:

May 09 2017

Story of the Eye and L’Abbe C by Georges Bataille

[This is the text of the book review from episode fifty.] [This text corrects my statement in the podcast that Sartre wrote The Stranger–it was Camus.]

The books being reviewed this week are two by Georges Bataille, who has not one, but two French names I can’t pronounce easily. I picked these up when I met up with Eros a few weeks back and all I knew was that the author was well-respected and the first book today—Story of the Eye—regularly makes must-read lists.

Not knowing what it was about, I flipped the book over and saw the words ‘explicit pornographic fantasy’ and ‘sexual quest involving sadism, torture, orgies, madness and defilement’.

Right. Oh, and look, they have another of his books. Let’s have that then, as well.

I haven’t fallen so profoundly for an author’s words since reading Nabokov for the first time. This was when I had a credit card and no sense of financial self preservation and I went out and bought all of his novels and started reading them in chronological order.

Some writers do things with words that make me want to absorb everything they’ve written.

In Harry Potter there’s this thing called a Pensieve, where memories are rendered into a liquid and another person can immerse their face into another person’s thoughts, basically, and see what they experienced.

Some authors make me want to do that. I want to smoosh my face into the crotch of the book (really called the gutter, but I like crotch) and absorb the words that way. Just let them wash over me.

Luckily, Bataille doesn’t have a large number of books.

Before I get too much more moony-eyed over this guy—there are people who probably shouldn’t read this one. So I’ll do the, ‘You might be traumatised for life’ warning now then tell you about the book. The author gets really graphic about some things so it’s not like he merely mentions something and I think my listeners are delicate flowers.

If you have a horror of eye wounds or things being done to eyes… stay away. There’s a reason the book is called Story of the Eye.

There’s a very graphic… well, everything is graphic… one of the graphic scenes is of a bull-fight. If you’re put off by scenes of rampaging animal cruelty then there’s an entire section you’ll want to skip.

Finally, if you’re offended by sacrilegious acts, then woo boy, there’s a whole scene that’s key to the plot that will send your pulse racing in a bad way.

On the other hand, if you’re into sacrilegious acts—no skipping ahead!

If you’re neither here nor there on those, but you’re into pee play, boy, do I have a recommendation for you. Urine is wildly popular with the two main characters and seems to be an intrinsic and uncontrolled part of their play, much like how the protagonist in The Piano Teacher simply had to urinate whenever she became aroused.

This is the opening of the book:

I grew up very much alone, and as far back as I recall I was frightened of anything sexual. I was nearly sixteen when I met Simone, a girl my own age, at a beach in X. Our families being distantly related, we quickly grew intimate. Three days after our first meeting, Simone and I were aline in her villa. She was wearing a black pinafore with a starched white collar. I began to realize that she shared my anxiety at seeing her, and I felt even more anxious that day because I hoped she would be stark naked under the pinafore.

She had black silk stockings on covering her knees, but I was unable to see as far up as the cunt (this name, which I always used with Simone, is, I think, by far the loveliest of the names for the vagina). It merely sturck me that by slightly lifting the pinafore from behind, I might see her private parts unveiled.

Now in the corner of a hallway there was a saucer of milk for the cat. “Milk is for the pussy, isn’t it?” said Simone. “Do you dare me to sit in the saucer?”

“I dare you,” I answered, almost breathless.

The day was extremely hot. Simone put the saucer on a small bench, planted herself before me, and, with her eyes fixed on me, she sat down without my being able to see her burning buttocks under the skirt, dipping into the cool milk. The blood shot to my head, and I stood before her awhile, immobile and trembling, as she eyed my stiff cock bulging in my trousers. Then I lay down at her feet without her stirring, and for the first time, I saw her “pink and dark” flesh cooling in the white milk. We remained motionless, both of us equally overwhelmed…

Suddenly, she got up, and I saw the milk dripping down her thighs to the stockings. She wiped herself evenly with a handkerchief as she stood over my head with one foot on the small bench, and I vigorously rubbed my cock through the trousers while writhing amorously on the floor. We reached orgasm at almost the same instant without even touching one another. But when her mother came home, I was sitting in a low armchair, and I took advantage of the moment when the girl tenderly snuggled in her mother’s arms: I lifted the back of her pinafore, unseen, and thrust my hand under her cunt between her two burning legs.

I dashed home, eager to masturbate again. The next day there were such dark rings around my eyes that Simone, after peering at me for a while, buried her head in my shoulder and said earnestly: “I don’t want you to toss off any more without me.”

My note after after was: Literature!

So that’s how our narrator meets and begins his debauchery with Simone.

He and Simone are outside one day doing dirty things with one another and are seen by another person, Marcelle. (Marcelle is a woman—it’s one of those French names that sounds the same for either sex but is spelled differently depending on the sex.)

She is a delicate, conservative creature, but is swept up into a threeway. Of course, with these two—it’s not an ordinary threeway. It’s a crazed-fucking-in-a-violent-thunder-storm-menage.

Marcelle is later horrified by having participated and tries to avoid them, but is eventually coaxed to a small gathering.

What takes place at the gathering isn’t all entirely spelled out—surprisingly—but what is given to us… Well, it sounds like Caligula would have had a great time.

This sends pious Marcelle round the bend and she’s packed off to the asylum, which is in a castle some distance away. Because France.

Our intrepid debauchees, however, are now obsessed with the girl and are determined to break her out. But! They’re teenagers and only have bikes. Still, sexual obsession is what it is, so off they go and nearly die. As you do.

That’s only the beginning, though. One unpredictable thing after another happens and they wind up wandering over various parts of Europe doing a variety of morally questionable things.

Tonally, it reminds me of Camus’ The Stranger—it’s not long before the narrator is contemplating some Existentialist concepts. But he’s also on the brink of physical and mental collapse at the time and that will make anyone question the point of life.

It’s very French. Besides the Camus thing there is a touch of de Sade’s libertine philosophy, as well. None of the characters are sympathetic and it’s rather literary. If you’ve read any French lit and didn’t care for it I don’t know if you’ll like this one.

If you’ve not read any before, well, this would be a hell of a place to start.

This book had really detailed, unusual fantasies on behalf of the characters. Portnoy ain’t got nothing on these people. I was impressed.

For example, five pages into the story we have this:

That was the period when Simone developed a mania for breaking eggs with her behind. She would be a headstand on an armchair in the parlour, her back against the chair’s back, her legs bent towards me, while I jerked off in order to come in her face. I would put the egg right in the hole in her arse, and she would skillfully amuse herself by shaking it in the deep crack of her buttocks. The moment my come shot out and trickled down her eyes, her buttocks would squeeze together and she would come while I smeared my face abundantly in her ass.


There’s an obsession with eggs that I thought must be based on an actual kink the author had witnessed it was so unusual. Luckily, this was the Penguin Modern Classics version and included extra bits and pieces including a writing by the author about where the imagery came from.

It was so much worse/fascinating than I would have ever guessed. I’ll put in spoiler tags on the text of the book review next week for those of you who don’t intend to read the book for whatever reason, but great day in the morning.

As promised: Spoiler tags! It had to do with his father, who had severe health problems, including blindness. He couldn’t relieve himself on his own so a young Bataille watched his father urinate a lot and was intrigued by the glazed over, half-expression on the man’s blind eyes when eliminating. Eyes and eggs and, later, bull testicles are all a similar metaphor and are used in similar, perverse ways for sexual enjoyment.

In terms of writing the author is masterful at conveying much with little. The novel itself is more a novella—it’s 65 pages long—but a lot happens.

If you opt to read this one—and I can absolutely understand why a person both would and would not—I highly recommend getting the Penguin Modern Classics edition. Besides the extra piece by Bataille, it also includes an outline for a sequel that sounds…bracing, and an essay about pornography by Susan Sontag that was mind-blowing.

There was also a short piece by Roland Barthes explaining the metaphor of the eye, which was useful because I thought I was missing something.

Rating this one is nigh on impossible. Some people wouldn’t make it fifteen pages before barfing and throwing the book across the room.

Other people would be like me and say, ‘More? More books by this person?’

Basically, you’ve heard the review—hopefully you can work out if it’s for you based on this.

The second book in this episode is L’Abbe C.

It’s less blatantly profane as well as less straightforward with what’s happening. If you need everything to be spelled out and resolved this is not the book for you. If you’re comfortable with ambiguity in your fiction then here’s some ambiguity for you.

There’s a framing story where a man named Charles gives a manuscript to a narrator—the manuscript is about the events leading up to Charles’ brother’s death. This is right at the beginning—it’s not a spoiler.

Then we read the manuscript, written from Charles C’s point of view, which is the bulk of the novel.

Charles is something of a libertine and he’s been involved with a woman named Eponine since they were very young. So has his identical twin brother, Robert, who is a priest.

They’ve all been friends since childhood, and, later, Charles and Eponine became lovers. The woman eventually became a prostitute, which has never bothered the author of the manuscript, but it greatly disturbed the priest—even before he became a member of the clergy.

She was a bit too licentious for his taste and it was what sent him down the path of being a giant stick in the mud.

He started ignoring her and avoiding her in the small town they lived in, until he moved away.

Once he became a priest, she taunted him by calling him facetiously ‘L’Abbe’ as though he were supposed to be above the lesser mortals.

Eventually, due to various circumstances, Robert winds up moving back to where they live—it’s never named—and Eponine is determined to have him. To sort of corrupt him for his judgment of her all of those years.

I thought I knew what was going to happen, but I was wrong. Bataille didn’t take the obvious route, I’ll give him that.

It’s a story about two people obsessed with one another (Eponine and Robert) and the person trapped between them.

It’s also about people who don’t fucking communicate.

The twins have a…strained relationship where they don’t express what they think or feel well and at one point Robert explains something then his solution to the problem is: ‘We just shouldn’t talk anymore.’

What?! There are other options than just not speaking anymore. It’s not like you’ve been going gangbusters on that front, as it is…

The end of the book is a few pages written by Robert then a some more pages by the original person who had been given the entire manuscript and that allowed a few more bits and pieces to fall into place, but I still had many questions. Books like that can have a dream-like quality that’s not entirely unpleasant to give yourself over to, even if, at the time, you want to strap the characters down and do whatever you have to to extract a straight sentence out of them.

Though this one wasn’t as explicitly explicit, it had its moments. There was a particular quote I wanted to share with you.

She bit my lip so fiercely and savoured her fear so intensely that I was strongly aroused myself. Moving with calculated violence, I changed my position, and my body became as taut as it could be. There is no pleasure more voluptuous than that which attends such deliberate anger. I felt as if I were being rent by lightning which continued to strike, as if prolonged by the immensity of the sky.

L’Abbe C is more of a very intense character study than traditional novel. If you’re going to give Bataille a try I’d recommend Story of the Eye first (unless you think that one would give you the yurks).

I’ll be reviewing other books of his in upcoming episodes. If you’ve read any of his, please leave a comment or email or note in the FetLife Group—I’d love to have a conversation about it.

May 07 2017

Meditations for submissives 008: Severus

The Meditation for May is good advice for everyone regarding being a decent human, leader and friend.

This is Book One, Number Fourteen.

The Maxwell Stanisforth translation in full:

From my brother Severus I learnt to love my relations, to love the truth, and to love justice. Through him I came to know of Thrasea, Cato, Helvidius, Dion, and Brutus, and became acquainted with the conception of a community based on equality and freedom of speech for all, and a monarchy concerned primarily to uphold the liberty of the subject. He showed me the need for a fair and dispassionate appreciation of philosophy, an addiction to good works, open-handedness, a sanguine temper, and confidence in the affection of my friends. I remember, too, his forthrightness with those who came under his censure, and his way of leaving his friends in no doubt of his likes and dislikes, but of telling them plainly.

There’s a lot going on this time out, so let’s break it down a little.

From my brother Severus I learnt to love my relations, to love the truth, and to love justice.

Severus was neither Marcus’ birth nor adoptive brother, so he must mean spiritual brother.

Not this one, either. Looks like he’s about to drop some philosophy, though. (source)

I’m fully in favour of loving and respecting people who’ve earned it, though, whether they’re related to you or not. I’m sure Severus was wise indeed, but not all relations deserve your time and energy.

Truth and justice—yes and yes. The truth may make you miserable, but it’s better than a happy lie. Children are placated with happy lies.

Through him I came to know of [many fun names to say, but people we don’t really need to concern ourselves with*] and became acquainted with the conception of a community based on equality and freedom of speech for all…

We’re all still on board for this, right?

…and a monarchy concerned primarily to uphold the liberty of the subject.

And we were sailing along so smoothly. Marcus was co-Emperor of Rome a couple of times and he believed in civic responsibility and doing the right thing for the people. This statement calls back to that—if a person has absolute power they should use it to ensure the well-being and freedom of the people they have power over.

Considering we can’t seem to reach that ideal with democracy I’m going to side with Marcus on this.

Fire and blood, friend. Fire and blood.

He showed me the need for a fair and dispassionate appreciation of philosophy…

Whether or not a person would like to study philosophy is up to each individual. Learning to think and examine one’s own thoughts and how other people think is highly useful, but it can also be taken to an extreme that’s unproductive.

Stoicism was revolutionary because it was the first (or one of the first, though I believe the actual first) philosophy that could be lived. Meaning, people could base their lives and conduct on the philosophy, rather than sitting around yakking about something that wasn’t going to affect their behaviour or the world around them all day.

I’m on the side of doing something productive rather than pondering infinite hypotheticals to no good end, so, while it’s interesting to learn about other philosophical schools (just as it’s interesting to learn about anything in the world), at a certain point I feel like: AND?

…an addiction to good works, open-handedness, a sanguine temper, and confidence in the affection of my friends.

Sevvy…Russ? Marcus’ brother was big on helping people out and being useful, being generous, not flipping out about everything little thing and knowing your friends had your back.

This is the only section of this piece that would apply specifically to s-types. Being of service, being generous and maintaining an even temper.

He sounds all right to me, really. The sort of person you’d enjoy spending time with who’d make you want to be a better person. I still wouldn’t name my kid after him. It’s an awkward name. (Though it was one of Marcus’ names at birth.)

I remember, too, his forthrightness with those who came under his censure, and his way of leaving his friends in no doubt of his likes and dislikes, but of telling them plainly.

Severus was also a straightforward person. The stoics valued straightforwardness in general and this guy had it in spades. If he rebuked you he told you exactly why and if you were friends you knew where he stood on all things. He was confident in his opinions and shared them easily.

*I say we don’t need to concern ourselves with the people Marcus mentions, because Meditations was written for himself—it was called To Myself—and wasn’t intended for public consumption. When he included names, it would have been to remind himself of connections between people like a diary—an audience wouldn’t be expected to know who those mentioned were.

Also, many of these people have been lost to antiquity and we wouldn’t know who they were anyway. (Not that I wouldn’t love a deluxe edition of this book with links to everyone they could find information on.)

For more information on this series, please see this post.

May 05 2017

Episode 050: Two Novels by Georges Bataille

Episode the fiftieth; Wherein the Pageist ponders the meaning of work, tells her mother of her job and falls in love with a French author. The books reviewed in this episode are Story of the Eye and L’Abbe C by Georges Bataille.

.53 Intro and Announcements:

3.22 My Submissive Life:

13.45 Book Reviews:

  • Two novels by Georges Bataille this episode. Book one is Story of the Eye. Bataille’s first novel, this is about a menage that goes very wrong, leading to the characters going on the run across Europe. Sadism, torture, orgies, sacreligious acts and urine play galore. Quite visceral and explicit, and not for the faint of heart, this is an incredible work of transgressive fiction.
  • L’Abbe C. A story of two people obsessed with one another–Eponine, a prostitute, and Robert, a priest who’s known her since childhood–and the person caught between them–Charles, Robert’s identical twin. For people with a high capacity for ambiguity in fiction, who don’t need every question answered.

33.14 Closing Remarks:

  • Thank you for tuning in!
  • In the next episode I’ll be interviewing Auntie Social from Stereo-typed. We’ll be discussing whether or not people are too swept up in fantasy (both kinky and in general) and uninterested in the warts of reality.
  • Support the show and site on Patreon!
  • Like The Pageist on Facebook, follow on Twitter, Tumblr, Goodreads, Quora, Medium, and Instagram and join the Fetlife group.
  • You can also subscribe to the website through the email form in the sidebar.
  • Subscribe to the iTunes feed here. You can also rate the show in iTunes, which would be much appreciated!
  • All episodes can be heard in an embedded player on this page.

May 01 2017

Game Review: Radiator 2

This is a screenshot from Steam.

Radiator 2 is a collection of three games by Robert Yang. The set is available for free on Steam, which is how I played them, though you can also get them on and pay what you like. They are available for Windows, Mac and Linux.

The games included are:

Hurt Me Plenty

Concept: Spank the hell out of a dude the way he wants. It’s all about consent. And hunky dude butt.

Storyline/Narrative: Hunk of a guy conveys his spanking preferences through emoticons while you shake hands then gets on all fours and you spank him until you get bored. He can also safeword, though he’ll let you know if you’re being too rough (also through emoticons) and you can slow down. If he says stop you get locked out of the game for forty-eight hours. Afterwards you provide aftercare by rubbing his shoulder while he sits on a bed with a couple of candles.

Your phone immediately rings/vibrates and someone (same guy) wants to play again and you start over, but the guy has different limits.

My husband and I both played the game and the order was the same both times: Dude in jeans, dude bare-assed, dude in under-pants. Always the same guy of indeterminate race. As the top, you don’t get a say in what happens—you’re just the spanker.

Game play mechanics: I played on a Mac using a trackpad and had no problems. Walter played on a Windows machine using a game pad and he said it worked really well.

It’s not a complicated game in terms of technical game play. You shake the bottom’s hand while he’s telling you his limits, then a hand appears (even if the guy has requested a crop, dang it) and you use that to smack his butt. Butt smacks are right-handed but they can be fore- or back-handed and are a click and swipe on a track pad. Aftercare is the same right hand on the bottom’s shoulder, rubbing back and forth until he’s recovered.

You can play this game one-handed. … Oh. I typed that before I realised what… I’m leaving it.

Learning Curve: There is no tutorial. I had seen a video of some people playing it so I had some idea what to do (and it’s not the most complex game to master) but the emoticons the character communicates in aren’t the most straightforward so I’m still not sure what he was talking about all of the time. Particularly in the negotiation section. At the end he gives you a review of how you did as a top—I don’t know what all of those symbols meant, either. I got a star each time, which I took as a good thing. I’m a submissive. I like stars.

When doing the actual spanking, he speaks not only in emoticons, but also colours, so as long as you know green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop, you still know how to handle yourself.

Replayability: It was great fun! I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I’m not a top, though. If I were into topping dudes—particularly spanking guys—maybe I’d play this occasionally to let off some steam.

Audio/Video: This is where this game shines. As much fun and creative as it is—the visuals are incredible. All three of the games had great music. In this one, the smacks are satisfying and the guy grunts when you hit him, which I found highly amusing. Walter wacked the guy so hard once (he was really getting into it) he said, ‘I’m really going to town on this guy—he’s loving it!’ and the bottom fell forward onto his elbows, with his butt in the air.

Walter was also impressed with the jiggly butt mechanics. I pointed out that if you got spanked as much as this guy did your butt would be jiggly, too.

Also, if you start warming his butt up a lot, it begins to redden—just like a real ass.

Review: Overall, fun stuff. When you’re in the actual spanking portion of the game, your mobile is in the bottom left corner of the screen and a timer is running… for some reason. When Walter was playing, using a gamepad, he had the rumble setting on and after the four minute mark his controller started vibrating. He asked me why that was happening and all I had was: ‘I don’t know. Maybe that’s how you know when you’re done?’

So there are several things that aren’t obvious but also aren’t necessary to enjoy the game immensely.

Would I recommend it? YES. Unless you’re offended by anything I’ve mentioned above.



Concept: Stick a phallic object in a half-naked dude’s mouth. See how many ways you can move it around until the object is no more.

Storyline/Narrative: So… there are three identical guys… Who are in a sauna? I think? The two in the background are in tighty-whiteys. The one in the foreground is naked from the waist up. All three are wearing mirrored sunglasses like cops wear. They all have a moderate amount of chest hair, as well as nicely-groomed facial hair.

The one in the front is holding an orange lolly/creamsicle phallic thing that is melting. Probably because they’re in a sauna and it’s just so darn hot. The guy is really into that lolly. He wants to devour the whole thing. The guys in the background are really into watching him devour the whole thing.

Game play mechanics: About as straightforward as can be. Use your trackpad or game pad to put the lolly in the guy’s mouth in various angles and at various rates of speed until it melts.

Learning Curve: Nil.

Replayability: Again, watching dudes suck on things isn’t really my ‘thing’ so, though the first playthrough had me in stitches, it’s not something I’d play again. I don’t know how it would go over with people who are into watching guys put long, thin objects in their mouths, however.

Audio/Video: More great music. Yang’s people are very realistic without venturing into Uncanny Valley, which I think we can all appreciate, since I’d feel badly about making realistic people do slightly perverted things. The hair on these guys… I am in awe of however Yang makes hair on these characters. And the glasses! Really, just the artwork in general. I grew up playing Mario. Now I can make a dude realistically blow a popsicle until his cheek bulges and his eyebrows arch. We live in the future.

Review: Super simple game in terms of concept and play. Amusing as hell, nonetheless.

The ending was… a surprise. I wasn’t expecting it… When watching my playthrough, you may want to skip from 2.55 to 3.49 if you’d like to be surprised.

Would I recommend it? YES, again. It’s hilarious. And the A/V is A+.

Stick Shift

Concept: Have sex with a gay car (as a gay man) by going from off to sixth gear. (The sexuality of the vehicle is provided in the description of the game.)

Storyline/Narrative: A guy who really needs a nap is in his anthropomorphic car. (Then again, if I had an anthropomorphic car I could have sex with, I might not sleep much, either.) Sex is had with the car in a fairly non-graphic way until everyone is satisfied. The car communicates its needs in its own car-like way and you have to learn how to read its signals properly.

Game play mechanics: More complex than the previous two—this one took a bit more finesse—though less than I was giving it. The problem was more with working out what needed to be done than any fancy fingerwork.

Learning Curve: This one has the highest learning curve and my husband eventually gave up trying to play it on the game pad. I managed to work out what the goal was/how to achieve said goal without giving up and I don’t have the greatest amount of patience with video games, so that’s something. A clue is in the title of the game. Just stay with it.

Replayability: Once again, it depends on how much you enjoy stroking the stick shift of a car to bring it to climax. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

Audio/Video: Like the others, outstanding. A+.

Review: Beautifully rendered, short game where you have to pay attention to the details to work out what to do. The very, very end made me laugh because I’m a ciswoman. I may have found the root of all misogyny. (The games are not remotely misogynistic—this one just highlights a theory I’ve had for some time in a particularly amusing way.) If you’d like to be surprised by the ending, stop the video at 9.20.

Would I recommend it? YES. Especially if you’re a mechanophile. Even if you’re not, it’s amusing and very well made.

Overall: these games make me want to play everything by Robert Yang. They also make me want to interview him because I have many questions.


Apr 28 2017

Washing up and the Digital Economy Bill

The Digital Economy Bill has become law.

This is Bad News with a capital What. The. Fuck.

Even with the way the news has been going in the previous, oh, eleven months :cough:Brexitkickedthisshitoff:cough:, THIS still ranks up there in poorly-thought-out ‘WHY, though?!’ legislative decisions.

{This post is being clattered out in a rush when I’m supposed to be doing other things, but I’ve just received the happy news and have to get this out of my system. It may not be up to my usual standards, but it’s difficult to write coherently while screaming obscenities at your monitor.}

The Digital Economy Bill, for those of you not in the U.K.—this applies to some of you now, so you may want to pay attention—it’s a bill that purports to PROTECT THE CHILDREN! from the harmful pornography by making all sites that feature adult content put in age checks and banning certain types of porn—especially (completely legal) BDSM activities—entirely.

They’ve given so little thought on how to implement this on such a grand scale or how to protect people’s data it’s nearly impressive.

I mean, I’d be impressed if blood weren’t shooting out of my nose.

What Does This Have to Do With Me, For I Do Not Live In the UK?

Well, if a site that you enjoy is based in the U.K. and they can’t afford the identification software (many can’t because they’re small businesses like Pandora Blake’s Dreams of Spanking), they’ll have to shut down. {That first link is SFW–the second link is not.}

Some will self-censor their content so they don’t have to worry about getting blocked in their own country. Like seeing marks after a spanking? Better hope that site you like isn’t U.K. based.

Also banned: female ejaculation, fisting, face-sitting (that was from a previous bill), gags, rape play, anything that shows blood… You know, just a good Saturday night.

If you produce content and you feature that sort of content and would like people in the U.K. to give you money, let’s hope your consumers have a VPN. Because you’re going to get blocked. (You do have identification software in place, right? That’ll get you blocked if you don’t.)

What Does That Have to Do with Washing Up?

I’m glad you asked, hypothetical person.

Lil info about how the political process work over here in Britain. (RUN, Scotland! RUUUUUN and take Northern Ireland and Wales with you!)

See, there’s going to be this here General Election in June (the day before my birthday! happy fucking birthday to ME).
In the UK they can set the General Election whenever they want. Theresa May a.k.a. Satan said she wouldn’t hold one until 2020.

Hey. It’s 2017.

For some unknown reason, bills in process can’t carry over from one Parliament to the next. (Parliament is dissolved and reconstituted for each government.)

So. When a General Election is called, there’s a time called the wash-up period, where, just aaaaall the open bills are dealt with so the next Parliament has a clear inbox.

The Bill was a pig’s breakfast anyway, but with another few (hundred) years maybe they could have ironed out some of the impossible to implement bits. Now it’s been rubber stamped as-in and given royal assent, which is the last step and means it is a law.

Right now.

In 2017.

Which I’m sure you’ll notice is NOT 2020, which is when, at soonest, the next General Election and wash-up period was supposed to be.

Paige, You Seem Very Upset. Have Some Tea. What Do You Need Clarification On?

You’re very kind and a good listener. Thank you.

I need clarification on everyfuckingthing.

This bill was designed by people who have zero experience with… life, seemingly.

At a class at Eroticon taught by Myles Jackman about the laws in Britain surrounding obscenity and such we talked about this bill.

In England they have had a couple laws called the Obscene Publication Acts since 1959—so we were discussing whether or not the Digital Economy Bill refers only to visual porn or also to writing or audio.

Mr Jackman explained that even if your site is for educational purposes it doesn’t exempt you from prosecution—if someone decides they are offended.

Considering that private one-to-one fantasy chat–as in on a messenger service–has been used to prosecute people–that now counts as ‘publication’—putting something on a blog certainly counts.

There are pieces I’ve been making notes to write that for sure breach their new, open-minded standards, and that I had wanted to record as audio bonuses for Patreon supporters, but I can’t do that now without worrying about someone deciding to make an example of me.

Do I go with the philosophy: ‘There’s so much out there, they’re not going to bother with me’?

Because if I were to be fined or imprisoned, I would likely be deported afterwards. I don’t have the security of being born here.

My site is words (and the podcast, but it’s not video or photos, is what I mean) so do I need verification? The wording of the bill is what I call squishy. So they can mould it however they want. Sometimes it says ‘pornography’ and sometimes it says ‘adult content’.

My site is definitely adult content, but I wouldn’t call it pornography.

Will people only find out if their site qualifies when they are prosecuted or fined?

Are these forward-thinking idiots going to issue some guidelines at some point or do they not care what the perverts do because they just want us to all go away?

Are there only very specific age verification sites or software the government will consider legitimate? Otherwise do I have to decide on whichever verification company seems the most trustworthy for the least money (because I’m just rolling in the dough over here).

They were talking about asking people for driving licenses or credit cards for proof of age, but the idea of your information sitting somewhere connected to your porn habits isn’t fucking terrifying. Especially since they hadn’t sorted that out before the big rubber stamp came down.

Apr 27 2017

An Ode to the People Who Read Your Bio Before Messaging You

You know, rather than just looking at your photo and sending:





Being a guy and telling me all about what sort of interests they have in kink and D/s when I’m a lesbian and it says so in my profile. You could have saved us both time by looking at the description, friendo.

Mrs Davis doesn’t have time for this & neither do I. (source)

‘Dating’ Platforms and Tiring Dudes

This happens on all the social media platforms that could even remotely be considered dating platforms. I don’t consider discussion forums to be dating platforms, but some people do and behave accordingly.

It’s only men who do it. If a woman contacts me, it’s because she’s responding to a writing and engages in conversation.

This is common for most women on the internet. I hear about it All. The. Time.

My personal favourite exchange, ever:

Him: Hi, are you looking for a Dom?
Me: Yes, but I’m a lesbian.
Him: I don’t mind.

As though he would overlook some fault in order to be my Dominant. What a gent.

That’s not how it works, there, guy.

This is why I don’t spend much time on forums or dating apps. Even choosing ‘hide my account from heterosexuals’ on OK Cupid gets straight women trolling for a third for them and their husbands even though my profile says very clearly, right at the top, LESBIAN. You can’t win if you’re a woman on the internet.

I got your unicorn right HERE, lady. (source)

Don’t @ Me

Geez, take it as a compliment!

If gay guys were talking to you and trying it on and making comments all the time even though you stated you were straight, you’d be annoyed, too. Particularly if you lived in a culture that told you your worth was based on if gay guys wanted to fuck you.

Especially if you didn’t know if you were going to be verbally abused (or perhaps physically abused) even if you politely turned them down or simply didn’t respond. No matter how I choose to respond (or not) my heart races every time.

Just block them, then.

That’s the ‘no means no’ version of social media usage and I thought we were supposed to be all about ‘yes means yes’?

No woman should have to block unwanted advances and time-wasting messages from people who haven’t even bothered to read their bios. If they had read your bio they wouldn’t have wasted their own time by sending a message in the first place.

Well, you think a lot of yourself, don’t you?

Not really, no. Although, why wouldn’t I? I get random strangers complimenting me on the internet regularly. Then again, someone will find anyone attractive so that’s neither here nor there. I see how it works, though. You’re allowed to find me attractive but I’m not allowed to acknowledge it. I’m supposed to get all of my self-worth from other people. Primarily men. Right. Nice.

Why would you put your picture out there if you didn’t want people to find you attractive?

What rape culture? Where. Also, why would I write my bio and state I was a lesbian if I didn’t want people to read it? What gets me is that I’m fully clothed in my photo–I can’t even imagine what sorts of messages women get who have the body confidence to post photos showing cleavage or other body parts. I admire their self-esteem, but, man, they must spend entire portions of the day blocking people.

I posted a photo because I actually liked a photo of myself–this happens about once every five years–and I thought it would be cool to have an image to associate with my bio. For the Dommes who may read it.

It’s hard being a man on the internet! You have to do all the work for very little response!

Try being a lesbian. You have to approach women, too, though your pool is much smaller, because there are fewer lesbians in the world than heterosexuals, everyone thinks your sexuality is about them and men still come on to you even though you’ve made it clear you’re not interested. You couldn’t deal. You’d have a mental breakdown in a week, Sonny Jim.

To the People Who Read Your Bio Before Messaging You:

Thank you, wherever you may be. With all the people in the world, I’m sure you exist, I just haven’t met any of you yet.

A Genuine Thank You

The people who treat me like a person are the people who listen to my show. It’s as though, because they’ve heard my voice and information about my life, they know I’m an actual human being. I do genuinely thank those people. But they’re nice because they’ve already learned I’m a human and don’t exist merely to fulfill their fantasies.

Mrs Davis celebrates you & so do I! (source)

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