Episode 37: Real Service

Episode the thirty-seventh; Wherein the Pageist registers for a conference for sexy nerds, discovers the perfect mascot for oh, so many wonderful people and shares info on a new site for the kink community. The book reviewed is Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera.

.48 Intro & Announcements:

  • The show is now in Slovakia, Nigeria and Madagascar. Also, some people in Estonia seem to be having a Pageist listening party! Greetings to you, friends.
  • We have a new Patron! Thank you, thank you AuntieSocial. If you’d like to support the show, have a gander at the rewards available on the show’s Patreon.
  • And a new Facebook like. Welcome to Camille.
  • I would like to thank caffeine and the Hanna Soundtrack for helping me produce this episode after a two-day migraine pain-fest.
  • In March I will be attending Eroticon 2017, which is a conference for sex bloggers, erotica writers and erotic creatives. Are you going? Let me know! thepageist [at] gmail [dot] com or any of the social media places I frequent. That list is here.
  • Attending Eroticon isn’t cheap though–if you’d like to help me out in the wallet department or would just like to support the show in general–please consider supporting the site’s Patreon. Other ways to show your support are here.
  • An upcoming freebie for all Patrons will be an audio of How I Sext a.k.a. Hygge Porn. Keep an eye/ear out for that.
  • Earlier this week I was on Lee Harrington’s show, Passion and Soul, talking about kinky books, the importance of handmade kink gear and other wonderful things. We had a great time!
  • If you’re looking for an alternative to Fetlife, check out ThinkKinky. It’s a brand spanking new place for kinksters run by some lovely people.

7.06 My Submissive Life:

13.48 Book Review:

  • The book this episode is Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera. It covers philosophy and practical aspects of both giving service and receiving service within a power exchange relationship. The author’s clearly write from positions of experience in an easy-to-understand style.
  • Other reviews of work by these author(s): Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/slave Relationships edited by Raven Kaldera in episode thirteen.
  • Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House by Cheryl Mendelson.
  • Real Service is available to read for free through the Bookmate website and app.

28.07 Closing Remarks:

Paradigms of Power by Raven Kaldera

PE Montage time! (source)

PE montage time! (source)

[This is the text version of the book review from episode 13 of The Pageist podcast]

The book this episode is Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/slave Relationships edited by Raven Kaldera. It’s a collection of essays written by people in a variety of styles of power exchanges. As a person who will be (hopefully) getting myself into one of these of my own at some point I was looking for inspiration and information.

I was not disappointed. A little overwhelmed at first, as there were quite a few ideas that spoke to me, but not disappointed. All of the essays were well-written and there was a wide array of styles presented. The authors and their various households represented an eclectic range of sexualities and gender expressions.

There was a section on the to-be-expected Leather style which contained one of the stand out essays (for me). ‘Everything is an Experiment: M/s from a Queer Leather Perspective’ by Sinclair Sexsmith. If you’re interested in how contracts are built or highly detailed contracts in general—this one will be a good one for you.

I wanted to read more of Sinclair’s writing and bopped on over to Amazon. The second book that came up was a collection of kinky lesbian erotica she’d edited. Yes, please. I was looking for non-fiction, but, I’m not going to complain.

There was an essay on 1950s style M/s, entitled ‘The Modern-Day 1950’s M/s Household’ by Mrs. Darling which explained the differences between 1950s style, Taken in Hand and Domestic Discipline, thusly:

“Taken in Hand” (TiH) has substantially less information available than Domestic Discipline. It refers to a similar household power structure as 1950’s M/s. Taken In Hand seems to have a few concepts that are universal: it is a monogamous, married couple who puts the male in the place of power. He in turn places his wife and the relationship as the priority, making decisions in her and the relationships best interest first. 1950’s M/s can be non-monogamous, and certainly can function with non-married partners. The Master may make choices in his own best interest at times, and doesn’t have to justify his ultimate decision making to his slave. In an M/s dynamic there is often an incorporation of S/M scenes, as well as protocols and rituals in the relationship, including the wearing of a slave collar of some fashion. 1950’s M/s may incorporate a more extreme or kinky sexual relationship, and may use discipline in an erotic way.  None of these things are a part of a purely TiH relationship. Many TiH couples find the idea of BDSM either unfamiliar or extreme.

Domestic Discipline (DD)—or sometimes Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD)—appears to incorporate the S/M side of the M/s dynamic at first glance, but the differences become clear upon inspection. Again, the man is seated as the head of the household and main decision maker, with the woman as the submissive partner. There is often, but not always, a calling to this lifestyle from the Christian belief that the man is intended to lead the family based on biblical writings.

Domestic Discipline is the act of the HoH disciplining his wife for misbehavior, most frequently through spanking (you can easily find pages and pages of information regarding the “proper” way to spank in a DD marriage) and also through activities like “corner time”. There are two types of spankings involved. One is a spanking for infractions, and the other is “maintenance spanking”, which is given in specific intervals to remind a woman of her place in the home. It is also suggested that the husband positively reinforce the wife for good behavior.

The difference in DD and a 1950’s M/s household is that DD and CDD practitioners vehemently deny there being any erotic nature to the discipline. DD is corporal punishment within a marriage. Domestic discipliners insist they are not in any way interested in BDSM, and that it is only for disciplinary measures.

Yes. And I’m sure no one ever enjoys it in any way.

Mrs. Darling later says this:

Just because others may not understand or agree with your lifestyle doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do what feels right or natural. It is no different from somebody having convictions regarding their chosen religion or their right to have a career and family. You may run into naysayers, but at the end of the day you need to look into the mirror and like who you see.

I like Mrs Darling. She’s a smart lady.

Then there were two essays each in the Victorians* and the Nobility/fealty sections.

In the Ancient Echoes section, there were two pieces, as well—one from the point of view of a Roman Slave-Advisor and the other was written by both members of an Owner/property couple.

It’s possible I enjoyed those so much because I’m interested in ancient Greek and Roman history, but the Romans viewed their slaves very differently than we do when we hear the word now.

This is from ‘Ancient Models, Modern Integrity’ by Sir Raven and slave jade.

Sir Raven said:

Slaves were considered to be human beings who happened to be slaves, not lesser creatures, and several conditions existed for slaves to be manumitted (freed) at the behest of the master. One not uncommon reason to manumit a female slave was to marry her, giving her full status as a Roman citizen. It was not unheard of for a master to have a romantic, personal, and intimate relationship with a slave. There was also nothing unusual about tasking a competent slave to manage your property, including other slaves. In Roman society, unlike the slavery of the American South, the condition of slavery was often transitory. Children of manumitted slaves were automatically full Roman citizens, and slaves could be highly educated and sought after for their abilities.

I thought that would be useful for anyone struggling with the terms Master or slave due to the connotations in the current culture. That piece had an entirely different take on it.

The next section was Eternal Childhood. The writings were about a Daddy/girl oriented M/s and another was on gay male Daddies.

Then we were on to so hardcore hierarchy—the section titled Generals, Captains and CEOs. The first essay was ‘Captain of Our Ship’ by Carolyn. They had two archetypes in their relationship. The first was her as captain and her submissive—who’s male—as first mate. The relationship is the ship. So they’re both running the ship, but he assists her. Eh, I’ll let her explain…

The primary “style” or model we use is a naval one. I see myself as the ship’s captain. Our relationship is the ship. This is really key to me because I consider my household to consist of myself, my husband and our relationship as a discrete third party, so the ship analogy works well for me. As captain, I am responsible for both the ship and the crew. Responsibility is a large component in our dynamic. I am not a “master gets what he wants” type of person. I am a “master is in charge and therefore responsible for stuff” type of person. I’m responsible for getting our little ship to our destination—to our life goals, whatever they may be. Being captain includes clearly identifying and defining the goals; ensuring they are viable; plotting the course to get us to the goals; and implementing the course by propelling and steering the ship in the right direction.

Then she says:

My husband is the first mate. His job is to carry out my orders, but he’s not a lowly person around here. He’s second in command to me, and when I’m not around (which is very rarely) he’s expected to run things as I would, not as he would.

Their second archetype is trophy spouse. They married when she was 50 and he was 33. She doesn’t require service—they hire people for that—and he’s handsome and fit—so he’s a trophy.

The second essay in this section was one of my favorites. Not so much for the type of power exchange, which didn’t speak to me, but for some of the concepts it introduced. It’s called ‘The CEO/COO Model of M/s Structure’ by Dr Bob Rubel. Dan and dawn of Erotic Awakening interviewed him at one point and he had some thought-provoking ways of looking at the scene. Both externally and internally.

At the start of his essay he says:

It can be hard to explain your M/s structure to others. It can even be hard to settle into your own M/s structure due to the cultural load on words such as Master and slave or Owner and property. The world of authority-imbalanced relationships is filled with subtlety: subtlety of behavior and subtlety of meaning. In this subtle world, some seriously thoughtful people get bogged down as they try to explain the way their relationship works, leaving egalitarian folks—and even some other M/s couples—shaking their heads and saying, “Well, if it works for you, great”.

This reminds me of Abyss from Perverted Podcast saying ‘That’s their dynamic!’ when you just don’t get something two people do.

This next part was one of those bits I had to read twice and then just sit there because it blew my mind with it’s obviousness and also practicality. Hold on to your hair.

Eventually, I concluded that we in the BDSM world are confusing behavior characteristics with role characteristics. We’re confusing assertiveness personality traits of dominance or submission with leader/follower terms such as “Master” and “slave”.

Assertiveness behavior scale: Dominance and submission represent behavioral preferences that are part of one’s personality. Not only do these characteristics exist on a sliding scale for each person on earth, but they are situational/contextual.

Leader/follower role scale: One’s success as a leader is a function of at least two things—how well one can understand the world through the eyes of another, and how wise and accurate one is in guiding others with insight and compassion.
Success as a follower depends—at least in part—on choosing a leader whom you believe is better able to make key life decisions than you can, and upon whether or not one has the skill and wisdom to get out of one’s own way and accept the leader’s guidance. Again, this is situational/contextual: You may be a great leader when directing person “A” and also a marvelous follower when reporting to person “B”. “

Yes! Thank you! You know, I go into these books to write a review and I come out with more books to read, because Dr Bob has several books of his own. My life is hard.

Another quote from this essay I want to put on a shirt.

This leads to my thesis: While D/s relationships are defined as a “dominant-acting D-type” paired with a “submissive-acting s-type”, an M/s relationship is much more defined by the Boss/Master’s qualities of leadership plus integrity—as those attributes relate to the Master’s ability to empathetically lead a subordinate. Where the subordinate’s personality falls on the dominance/submission sliding scale only concerns the Master to the extent that it affects the quality of the subordinate’s service and obedience. That’s how it happens that when you speak with experienced slaves—those who have been doing this for more than five years—that some of them will tell you that they’re dominant in all aspects of their lives except in their personal M/s relationship.

When I read this I felt my eyes go wide with comprehension. Any D-type I’m with is going to have to get this. It’s also why people think I’m dominant rather than submissive. It’s because I’m not your submissive.

My new favorite person goes on to say this:

So here’s the punch line: It is my observation that M/s is concerned with the integration of a slave’s service and obedience with their Master’s responsibility to provide wise guidance. It is my further contention that where one falls on the assertiveness scale is only an issue if the Master sees it as an issue.

Yes, I call her “Master”. Yes, I like it when she calls me “boy”. Yes, I have been known to become overly submissive when serving … and yes, I’ve also been known to become overly dominant when serving. But I’m no less responsible for ensuring that my Master’s wants and needs are met, wherever I happen to fall on the D/s personality spectrum on any particular day.

So now I have to read all of his books. Dang it.

After that was a section on Spiritual-based power exchange, with a couple of essays, then a longish, but incredibly informative essay on Gorean Consensual Enslavement, about which I knew next to nothing. Now I know… more than I did. And I kinda feel bad for the people who try to live it seriously and ethically and are probably bombarded by those who don’t read the books and make the entire group look terrible.

The section following that was the first one that really… I wasn’t aware existed as a full-time power exchange style. It was entitled ‘Being a Thing’ and consisted of two essays.

The first was about human pets. It was called ‘Human Pets’ by Silje Wyn.

I’d heard of pets, obviously, but I thought that meant people in touch with their furrier side. It can mean that, but this essay was about the other kind.

Some quotes.

If I can impart nothing else, then I hope to convince people to assume nothing when it comes to human pets. I will relate what I know to the best of my ability but nothing is set in stone. No single rule applies to every single human pet or human pet relationship. Human pets are self-defining. Each and every single human pet has their own definition of what makes them a human pet and how they relate to their partners as a human pet.

When defining what a human pet is she says:

a human pet is a person kept for companionship or pleasure, usually treated in an affectionate and cherished manner.

There’s an entire bit about the differences between a human pet and a slave and I don’t want to keep you here for an hour, but there are differences. That essay was very interesting. And I learned I’m not a pet. But more power to anyone who is.

The other ‘being a thing’ essay was ‘Objectification’ by slave will and that one spoke to me in some ways. Sometimes you read something and it simply makes sense to you even before you can work out why. Like this:

I don’t know why, and I have certainly thought about it a lot, but being a thing brings me great peace. It relieves most of the stress that was present in my life before M/s. The closer I get to being a thing, the better I feel. There is an egoless-ness about it that is almost spiritual for me. Well, perhaps it is spiritual, but I don’t have the words to describe how.

He describes a bit of what being an object looks like, thusly:

She wants the end of a string held for some craft project. I stand there and hold it, for as long as she needs it held. She wants my leg in a different position as we sit on the couch, so she moves it as if it was a pillow or newspaper, and expects it to stay where it was put, or at least away from her pile of books. I bring her a drink while she is working on her laptop on the porch; she is not ready to take the drink until she has finished typing this paragraph, so I stand there with the drink until the work is done. My convenience is put aside; I’m here to be convenient to her, always.

There’s something about that that feels incredibly peaceful to me. Perhaps it’s the comfort inherent in knowing it’s all right to move another person’s body. Or knowing a person is content being of use to you. For the right person, I would be. Not to the full-on degree slave will is with his Mistress, but definitely to some degree.

The final section is Eclectic Examples, which consisted of two essays about power exchange relationships that were something of a hodge podge (but clearly worked for the participants and that’s what matters).

The first was ‘Building a Household Style’ by Master James and, like the title implies, it’s largely about how his household developed their style in the first place.

A very early quote:

I had gathered some suspicious dogma about what I should “always” do as a Dominant, but much of it seemed perilously close to “always behave like an asshole”

That didn’t appeal, so he set about putting together a style that included Edwardian manners (of which I’m quite fond), certain types of Military discipline and concepts that were useful, and other, all-round good life advice.

The last essay was by Raven Kaldera and his two boys, Joshua Tenpenny and Brandon Hardy. It’s called ‘Our Archetypal Array’. Their household also includes a type of English-etiquette, but this time it’s Renaissance Manservant. The role extended into the eighteenth century. I learned it covers a great deal of what I’m interested in.

The female equivalent was the “serving-gentlewoman”, “waiting-gentlewoman”, or “maid”, not to be confused with the later position of housemaid. Their jobs did include dressing their superior and looking after clothing, but they also encompassed being a traveling companion, carrying bags, taking messages, digging up dirt, making sure that their superior got fed, and many other tasks. Most importantly, their biggest job was to be “in waiting”—waiting for the next order, whatever that might be. They were a plucky, resourceful, respectful, and entertaining (if desired) sidekick who stuck to the side of their master or mistress, no matter where that road led.

Prior to this, I had been cobbling together a variety of positions… ‘a sort of secretary and personal assistant who also handles small household tasks and bathes and dresses her superior.’ But that was like when people used to carry a camera and cassette player and phone and calculator and watch when now they just have a phone.

It turned out I wanted to be a smartphone. And while I like the look and smell of leather, my style is elegant and more on the side of Victorian, so… dur. Thanks, Raven! I’ll be off to find resources and more information on that style of power exchange now. If you have any to recommend, please get in touch through the various social media options listed at the end of the show.

Raven and his boys also have several other archetypes including Superhero/Sidekick and Artist/Sculpture and a spiritual one I’ll mispronounce if I attempt it, so out of respect I’m going to refrain from even trying.

Even if you’re not looking to start you’re own power exchange relationship, Paradigms of Power was an enlightening read. And it’s definitely a good one for people in authority transfer relationships—if you’re looking for new ideas, for example, or are simply curious about how others structure their relationships I recommend this one.


*Many quotes and more information about these essays in this post.

Episode 013 Paradigms of Power

Episode the Thirteenth; Wherein The Pageist discusses power exchange, what it means to her and even figures out what style makes the most sense for her life. (It was extremely obvious–the Pageist can be oblivious.)

00.40 Intro

This episode is all about power exchange. What part it plays in my life and the book reviewed is about various styles other people practice, as well.

00.55 My Submissive Life

7.35 Book Review

  • The this episode is Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/slave Relationships edited by Raven Kaldera, which is a collection of essays by people in a variety of power exchange relationships.
  • It features writing from people on both sides of the slash of relationships that take the shape of: Leather, 1950s style, Victorian, Ancient Roman, Executive, Spiritual and several other types of authority transfers.
  • Erotic Awakening interview with Dr Robert Rubel episode 348

29.55 Closing Remarks

  • Thank you for tuning in!
  • In the next episode I’ll be interviewing Dr Gloria Brame, author of Different Loving and Different Loving Too, as well as many other books on BDSM and sexuality.
  • Like on Facebook, follow on Twitter, Tumblr, Goodreads and join the Fetlife group.
  • You can also subscribe to this website through the email form in the sidebar.
  • Subscribe to the iTunes feed here. You can also rate the show in iTunes, which would be much appreciated!
  • All episodes are listed and playable from this page.

A Handful of Cinnamon: Power Exchange, Kink & Sex

Someone I correspond with and I have been exchanging stories about things we were interested in when we were younger that informed our kinky selves as adults. Many kinksters have these stories—they were fascinated by the damsels being captured by the bad guy in TV shows, but they didn’t know why, or they really liked the shots of the leather boots the police wore on CHiPs, but they didn’t know why that was, either.

I wonder how many fetishists this show is responsible for? (source)

I wonder how many fetishists this show is responsible for? (source)

So this friend and I were talking about various early signs of pervdom and they asked if I’d ever thought about a specific activity. They described it really well and I could see the appeal, but it just wasn’t something I’d considered.

Many people seem to (from what I’ve witnessed on forums and in listening to conversations and podcasts) discover their kinkyness through physical actions of some nefarious sort. Either seeing something on a show or reading it in a book. Someone is being beaten or teased or tied up (OR someone is doing one of those things to someone else—depending on which side of the slash you’re inclined towards).

For me, it was more about a feeling. I was a budding service-oriented submissive (or slave) so I wanted to fetch and carry and do the general bidding of a woman I respected and admired. I wanted to be important to that person. And still do. That hasn’t changed. It was a few years before ideas of physical activities other than cleaning and filing began to enter my mind.

(And I’ve spoken before about how sex-mad I am.)

Activities—any of them—don’t interest me as things to do outside of a power exchange.

To me, power exchange is the meal and activities are the seasoning.

When you go into her pantry and see this... you know you're in for a good time. (source)

When you go into her pantry and see this… you know you’re in for a good time. (source)

I mean, I like cinnamon, but I don’t want a handful of it. (This is no denigration on people who do the cinnamon challenge every day of the week. I’ve seen your photos, you rock, it’s just not how I work. Although I feel compelled to add that the actual ‘cinnamon challenge’ is dangerous and you probably definitely shouldn’t do it. I’m just using it as a metaphor in this essay.)

To continue with the metaphor. There are quite a few seasonings I would be interested in trying, given the correct chef, but I’ve never been the sort of person who felt the need to do something just to do it.

I have a friend who is thirty and who is still in that, ‘Ooh, let me put that in my mouth,’ phase. He’ll eat anything. I don’t mean that sexually, either. He has no fear of any food, perhaps because he grew up all over the world so he has no cultural bias towards or against any one type. He’s experienced more textures and taste sensations than I ever will and I’m really okay with that.

But there are people who are sexually that way or kinkily or just in general—’Hey, do you think I can pick up that snake?’ kind of people. And they probably have much more colorful lives than I do. They most definitely have better stories. I am completely happy hearing the stories later. Totally fine with that. I admire people who can do that because I have never been that person.

Maybe I would be comfortable trying the seasonings within a power exchange because those require trust and communication. I would be allowed to experience those things because someone I admire would be there to protect me and give me permission.

Whatever the reason, it’s not as though I’m just waiting for my first power exchange to break out the restraints. If I don’t meet a person I want to try things with then I won’t do whatever. This isn’t a video game—there are no points for racing through the levels.

And when I eventually land myself a D-type I most likely won’t be asking for ghost chili peppers the first week. My people come from the lands of bland—England and Ireland. I’m completely fine with boiled potatoes and a roast. A hearty, filling power exchange is fine by me.

Nil spices in this photo, but I'm salivating. (The thing in the bottom left is a Yorkshire pudding.) (source)

Nil spices in this photo, but I’m salivating. (The thing in the bottom left is a Yorkshire pudding & they’re fantastic.) (source)

Once we’ve got a solid nutritional foundation in place we can start introducing moderate seasonings—nothing nuts at first—a little white and black pepper, maybe. And work our way over to some of the more interesting spices. I’ve been eyeing up the saffron, it’s far too expensive to be used frequently, but used correctly and it’s nice.

(Ginger root can keep the hell away from me, though. I know what it’s used for and I’m not impressed.)

I haven’t mentioned sex because it’s that side dish that gets left in the fridge and usually never even makes it to the table because everyone is happy with what they’ve had. You’ve pushed back from the table, unbuttoned the top of your jeans and someone says, ‘Aww, we forgot the potato salad!’ and everyone says, ‘I could NOT eat another bite.’

Now, after I’ve been in a power exchange with someone for a period of time and everything is going well and meals have been running smoothly and if it turns out my Mistress happens to make a kickass apple pie (or something) that she wants to feed me… well, you know… Maybe I’ll have a lil apple pie.

[This writing also appeared on Medium. If you are a member there and you enjoyed it, please give it some love.]

Mollena Williams and Georg Friedrich Haas

I don’t have permission to reprint this on my site, so I can only give you the link, but here’s the link about Mollena Williams’ power exchange relationship with her husband, composer Georg Friedrich Haas.

The article is a positive piece about what a great thing kink is and how it’s enhanced his life and art.

Both interviewees speak eloquently about what kink means to them and how it has changed their lives.

On the front page of the Arts section of the New York Times.

Above the fold and everything.

The Beauty of Power Exchange with Innermind

One of the earlier things I did, after admitting that my long-acknowledged pageism was a form of submission, was join FetLife, the internet community for kinksters.

Like any online community, FetLife has its problems, but it’s also been a very useful resource for someone interested in learning more about the lifestyle from people with more experience in and knowledge of it.

So this is the first post of what I’m calling Mentor posts. They’ll be scheduled every Saturday. Most will come from FetLife, but some will be from other sites. Most will be about things that I’m personally into and some will just be something I happened across that was interesting. (Your Kink Is Not My Kink and That’s Okay, as they say.)

Our inaugural entry comes from Innermind and concerns power exchange relationships, the misconceptions and the beauty of them.

You mean just in the bedroom right?

The stigma of a power exchange is funny to me. It’s filled with misconceptions, ill informed opinions and just flat out nonsense.

I know a woman in a power exchange who was telling a non lifestyler about how they operated their relationship and the woman couldn’t get pass that the power exchange was more than sex and happens outside of just sexy play in the bedroom. That it occurs in many different ways, some subtle, some pronounced, but all consensual. The woman thinks her friend is being oppressed, used and being held back from being the strong women who her friend knows she could be. Which is complete and utter bullshit.

Who ever fucking said that submission is about weakness and why do non bdsm folks buy into it? The act of sacrificing ones own desires for another is the very essence of a strong character and takes a herculean effort to continually give your servitude to someone when human instinct is to serve our own needs first. But when that submissive trait lies within ones soul and it can be nourished and appreciated, cultivated and elevated to a state of natural and fluid interactions, then it becomes a way of being, not just isolated acts one performs. Submission is not only sign of strength, it’s a process to continually build strength as well.

In a consensual, healthy, well negotiated D/s relationship, there is not only no oppression to be had, rather there is a freedom to be found. It’s simple mathematics. Organization and knowing ones role, duties and functions is going to be a more efficient way of running a partnership than having two or more people trying to constantly figure everything out together equally all the time. That goes beyond D/s, that’s just how organized entities have been successful for thousands of years. By creating defined roles that compliment each other and where we all work together as a functioning society.

A well run D/s relationship is a microcosm of that. It will still have problems, because it’s two flawed people trying to relate, but with effort and proper management, it can be beautiful, functional, sexy, rewarding and stimulating in many regards that goes way pass the sexual elements of the dynamic.

The reason people engage in power exchanges outside of the bedroom is because that’s what they both want and derive something essential from that dynamic. It’s a way of communicating, interacting and more importantly, a way of being. It brings comfort and joy and many other positive attributes if it’s consensual, beneficial to each parties personality and it’s ran with regards to the submissives and Dominants well being and both experience mutual growth in the process.

Power exchanges are not about oppression, controlling someone for nefarious reasons or some evil dictatorship , suck my dick 24 /7 (wait that sounds awesome) type of relationship. That’s not a power exchange, that’s just an abusive relationship.

I read yesterday that there’s a fine line between abuse and dominance. I don’t think the line is fine or thin by any means. I believe it’s miles apart and it’s colored with consent and respect. Without those two key, fundamental elements in the relationship, then it’s just abuse, plain and simple.

Power exchanges are incredibly rewarding for those who want it, desire and crave such a dynamic from both sides of the slash. There’s nothing detrimental about that! And yes, it happens outside of the bedroom, deal with it.