Sex Demons!

http://rabeisgod.tumblr.com/post/142708753416/christian-author-female-masturbation-is-direct

This is a Tumblr post by a friend from a few months ago, but it’s still making me laugh and is appropriate for International Masturbation Month.

I particularly like that the original article is aimed only at women. Because it’s the woman’s job to save the world from Satan. Like Buffy.

The addition of the Elmo gif is comedy genius.

The second part of the quote from the article sounds like an excellent idea for a scene, though.

Happy Playtime

Happy Playtime homescreen

I first heard about Happy Playtime in 2013 when Mike Krahulik from Penny Arcade advocated for it and was torn to shreds because it taught only women who had vulvas how to masturbate. Not all women had vulvas and not all vulva-owners were women. This was problematic (I agree). Therefore, some people thought the app shouldn’t exist.

I disagree. Many, many people have vulvas and are taught their parts are gross and dirty and shouldn’t be touched and their pleasure isn’t important. So anything that will teach them how to get pleasure from those parts is a step in the right direction.

I vaguely recall looking at some information about the app and thinking, ‘That is one girly looking vulva.’

I'm not sure if she'd be scarier with her eyes open or not.

I’m not sure if she’d be scarier with her eyes open or not.

Since it’s International Masturbation Month, and vulva-owners are still taught their parts are gross and their pleasure is unimportant, I thought I’d have another look at the app.

Guess what, though?

iTunes doesn’t carry it. Because it’s dirty. It has apps to help you break your porn and masturbation addictions, which aren’t even things. Apps about masturbation in that sense are just fine.

That’s okay, though, because you can still play the game in your browser…sort of. Stay with me.

On my touchpad it was impossible. She wasn’t recognizing that I was touching her at all.

With a wireless mouse I had marginally better results but I still couldn’t make her ‘happy’.

I tried my husband’s touchscreen computer. Success! I made her happy in a few seconds (it was like the first time you use a vibrator and are like: WHOA!) but the goal is to make her happy as many times as possible in 60 seconds and the second time around isn’t exactly the same at the first. Points for accuracy, there.

Then it was onto my smartphone. When you play the game on the web it puts it in the top left corner of your screen in a rectangular shape, so I figured it would fill a smartphone screen.

Alas, no.

iPhone Screen

You can see how well you’re doing by watching the ‘love meter’ at the bottom of the screen, which goes from 100% (the big O) down to -1. I’ve earned the -1 a few times.

After the first time I got a happy out of Happy, I couldn’t figure out what to do so I wound up furiously rubbing my finger up and down. That worked. I got two orgasms out of her and earned a porn powerup.

Porn Powerup

There are different powerups, apparently, though I could only ever earn the porn one, which was hilarious. (Eventually I found out the other two are ‘lube’ and ‘vibrator’. Though I don’t know what effect they have on game play.)

The porn powerup stops your love meter from dropping, but when you tap it, the ‘porn’ that played was a dancing cartoon posterior with the word BUTTS! and a heart. It made me laugh every time and now I use it as an exclamation around the house for no reason.

Happy Playtime Butts gif

My husband made this gif for me because no one had done so. The internet failed me. You’re welcome.

‘BUTTS!’

The game doesn’t save your progress—I suppose because you don’t login or they don’t use cookies or I-don’t-know-why—so every time you go to the site you have to start from the beginning. This wasn’t a big deal for me, since I could never get very far with Happy, but I can only imagine the frustration of someone really working to unlock a bunch of moves and power ups and then coming back to play the game later and having to start from the beginning.

This is move 1. Two is the hood and three is the vagina.

This is move 1. Two is the hood and three is the vagina.

Yes, I know, I shouldn’t look at it like a chore to ‘play’ with a pussy.

But it’s a chore to play with this pussy.

If you fail to make her happy once in sixty seconds she says she’s not in the mood and to go away. She shuts down. Literally shuts down and turns blue like ice. She is cold now, because you are bad at touching her. Well, you know what? She gives you no feedback. Pillow princess.

No good at this

I want to advance in the game.

I found myself rubbing hood, labia and clit in all varieties of fashion and shouting at the screen, ‘WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!’

Which is not unlike what trying to work real vulvas can be like, at times. They’re knocking it out of the park on accuracy.

If your device isn’t connected to the internet you can’t make Happy happy. For several minutes I thought I was truly terrible and it turned out my wifi had just gone off.

My Love Meter is at 0 but my frustration meter is at 1000.

My Love Meter is at 0 but my frustration meter is at 1000.

This wouldn’t be an awful tool for teaching guys about vulvas. There’s definitions and anatomy lessons, as well as instructions. Not to mention the gamifying.

Of course, there’s the entire, ‘This pussy comes more than once in sixty seconds’ thing. And that’s not happening unless your name is Hitachi.

At a certain point I wanted to just give her a vibrator. ‘Look, honey, maybe you’re one of those that can’t get off without vibration. That’s okay. You just need to know that about yourself. Let’s go shopping together.’

It would be nice if the app was 1. available on the app store and 2. customizable by individual people. Like, if you couldn’t stand direct stimulation you’d tell it to never suggest that and if you loved circles you’d have that high on the list of moves. Then give it to your clueless partner to practice during breaks at work.

The timer would be much longer, though, and include softer touches other places, too.

She means well.

She means well.

Walter was next to me as I was on my phone, savagely trying to make this bizarrely cheerful vulva orgasm, shouting about how she was too damn fickle yet uncommunicative, and, after laughing hysterically at my failure to please, had to try it so he got on his touchscreen (the one I’d desecrated earlier).

He loved the ‘BUTTS!’ too. I could tell every time he used the powerup because he’d laugh.

I never thought I’d rage-quit a game about orgasms, but there you go.

That said, I’d probably purchase it and play it more on my phone if it was an actual app and saved progress, as (I hope) it would be better designed for mobile devices.

As you can see from the video, even on a mobile device, the web version still isn’t behaving like an app. It seemed to work best on a laptop with a touchscreen.

When I went to make the video to show just how fickle she was being, wouldn’t you know, suddenly she was easy-peasy to please.

Of course.

It was then I unlocked the second lesson in the game…and discovered the web app won’t allow you to scroll to read all of the lessons on a smart phone, only on a computer with a mouse or page up/down buttons. Keep in mind a mouse or trackpad won’t actually please Happy.

So the ideal way to play this ‘game’ is on a touchscreen laptop. But your arm will probably get tired. Again with the accuracy.

There are five lessons. One is anatomy.

There are five lessons. One is anatomy.

After we finished recording the video I continued to play to see if I could unlock more lessons, powerups or moves—I could not. She returned to being difficult to please. Apparently, she’s an exhibitionist.

If you decide to give Happy Playtime a go, please let me know what you thought and how far you got.

Here’s some extra information about the lady wanking from the people who make the app.

(Source)

Click to enlarge. (Source)

May is International Masturbation Month

I don't know what's going on with the vulva there. Lube?

Much like October having an identity crisis over whether or not it’s National or International Kink Month, there seems to be some confusion over whether the masturbation awareness/celebration is to be on a national or international level for the month of May.

According to the creators of the day, though, Good Vibrations, it is International Masturbation Month.

So, just everybody should get their rubs on.

Here is this year’s press release from Good Vibrations.

And here are some other facts about the special month from Good Vibes. Including ‘advanced techniques’ for penis-havers. Because we all know the guys have the basics down before they’re fifteen.

Oh Joy Sex Toy has the vulva-owners covered.

There’s also the HappyPlayTime app for vulva-owners to practice on or learn about their bodies. I’ll be reviewing the web-version on Sunday.

This ad is part of the Give Yourself a Hand campaign in South Africa. Nice. (source)

This ad is part of the Give Yourself a Hand campaign in South Africa. Nice. (source)

International Masturbation Month was started in response to the firing of Jocelyn Elders in 1995. She was the Surgeon General (the first female African American to hold the position) and she suggested masturbation be taught in schools as part of sex education. She was ultimately fired for this. And this was under Bill Clinton, who wasn’t exactly a prude in the sex department.

Here is an interesting and informative article about Jocelyn Elders (you’re about to love her a little).

According to Wikipedia, this whole lark started out as one day, May 7th, and it was International Masturbation Day. Eventually to be expanded to the entire month.

The 7th this year is a Saturday, so most people will not be working. Instead, you can be wanking. A woman got fired for so much as bringing up the subject. It’s your right. It’s your responsibility!

(Having posted about my own need to spend more time with myself, I suppose I should do my part…)

Medicinal Masturbation

I’ve written before about how I have HPV and how I’m an asexual lesbian.

In order to keep an eye on the cells on my cervix, I’ll be having a pap smear every six months for the next year and a half to three years. (70% of cases clear on their own in a year and 90% clear in three years.)

Being that nothing other than the ladies’ hygiene products are usually in my no-no zone, pap smears are a tremendous joy for me. I often get light-headed and nauseated.

Maybe I should take my little squeaky Spooky with me on my next visit. (source)

Maybe I should take my little squeaky Spooky with me on my next visit. (source)

But if this is going to be a very regular thing I have to deal with then I’ve decided I’m going to instate some masturbation for medicinal purposes.

Now, I know that sounds like those people in old movies when they talk about ‘medicinal’ brandy, but I genuinely don’t grope myself very frequently and, though I have the accoutrements for this project, they’re employed even less frequently.

I don’t know what to say. I’m simply not interested in myself that way. I’d really rather sit down with myself and read a book or write a story than put the moves on. If I am feeling a bit frisky, I just want to use my little vibrator and go to sleep. That happens every other or every third month.

Have I ever mentioned kink is not about sex for me?

But pap smears are horrible. Nothing should be that unpleasant. So I’m just going to view it the way the Victorians did female hysteria. (One of my all-time favorite nonsense diseases.)

There’s a fairly amusing film (called Hysteria) that covers some of the historical background. Victorian women were out of sorts because of womanly problems and they just needed to be ‘manipulated’ (jerked off) by doctors. It’s how vibrators were invented. Vibrators used to be terrifying, by the way.

Their husbands could have saved themselves some money by paying more attention in the bedroom, is what I’m thinking.

[Or so I thought until I started doing research for this post. Everything I know is a lie!]

Another film I enjoy that touches on masturbation (heh heh) is The Road to Wellville. The book is far better, but the movie is fun. And it’s based on real events.

As I’ve been working on this project of mine I’ve learned that it’s more difficult to put a condom on an uncircumcised dildo than it is on a circumcised one. I made a video about it.

Of course, doing it in the bright living room with dry hands was easy. Try doing it in the dark with lube everywhere. Sheesh.

Fiddling with myself on the regular isn’t the worst thing to have to do, but I’m going to have to schedule it in, because otherwise I just won’t do it. Then after my next doctor’s appointment in September they’ll be bringing me soft drinks and a snack so I don’t pass out. Again.