A Solution for All Your Unsolicited Peen Woes

If WikiFeet is a new site to you, please read my post first. It’d mean a lot to me.

In episode 56 of my show I mentioned a writer and comedian named Sarah Benincasa. She wrote a book called Real Artists Have Day Jobs.

Awhile back on Instagram she posted a photo of her entry on WikiFeet, which is an open source wiki for images of celebrities’ feet. A couple people were appalled and her response was, ‘It’s just a site for foot fetishists—nothing wrong with that.’ So, you know, A+ for her on that front.

This was my introduction to WikiFeet, which of course I had to share with Walter and he instantly had an idea.

WikiDicks. :extravagant hand gesture:

It’s not what you think, though. Or maybe it is.

It’s a site where people can send aaaaall the unsolicited dick picks they get and then, like WikiFeet, they can be rated from one to five stars.

There could be a second rating for quality of the photo, because there’s a skill to taking a shot of your junk.

There are problems, yes. Like if it’s a really good photo and a really attractive dick (that still doesn’t make it okay to send to someone without their permission), then people would be stealing it to send when someone requested a dick pick to find out what they’d be getting.

So this conversation would become common:

‘Hey, how’d that date go?’

‘It didn’t. I asked for the dick pick and he sent that SAME WikiDick I’ve got from the last three guys. I don’t have time for liars.’

‘You know, one day, that actual dude is going to send you a pic of his actual dick and you’re going to turn him down. Imagine—that dick with those photography skills and you’re going to miss out.’

One set of ratings on WikiFeet.

There could also be user-submitted pics, if they wanted tips on how to take a better crotch shot or were simply looking for a rating in general. That would be a paid service.

Because we’d need to make money to fund the massive number of servers we’d be operating.

I could totally see groups of women cracking open a bottle of wine or four and cackling over the stories of the unsolicited cock-shots. Because that would be part of the fun—the story behind the photo. ‘This was this guy’s opening salvo—his salutation, if you will. No words, just a blurry shot of…this. Luckily, he then included eight more angles in case I didn’t get the message of the only thing he was offering. Not a word did he type, though. For I did not need to know more. And he was right!’

I’m sure gay men would have a great time with it, too. Oh honey, would the gay men enjoy it.

There could be tags! Like keywords, so if you were in a mood to see a whole bunch of five star photography level, veiny cocks with a slight leftward curve, there you go!

Strangers around the world have provided them for you. With comedy commentary.

Another set of info. Guess who I searched for.

There could be a third rating, as well. ‘Ability of user’ or ‘cocksship’ or something. For those who’d tried out said appendage. It would be difficult to verify actual contact, of course, so all reviews of that nature would have to be taken in the of spirit of camaraderie. Or some other gender-neutral term for people exposed to unwanted cock. Cockraderie? ‘We’re all cockrades. Putting up with unsolicited dick in the inbox. Pass the wine and let’s gripe.’

Inevitably, dicks would be recognised. ‘Wait… that’s my ex. He was such a douche, always sending his dick out to everyone and had that birthmark that looked like Texas. Let me tell you—it’s a nice piece but he just lies there.’

Others would be okay with this. ‘Yeah, but I’m into that… do you still have his number? Private message me.’

WikiDicks could work on many, many levels, I’m telling you.

Of course now, someone is going to contact me and say, ‘Oh, this is a real site—it just has a different name.’

I pre-emptively respond to that with: WHY ISN’T IT CALLED WIKIDICKS—THAT’S THE PERFECT NAME.

{I used male pronouns for the cock-owners throughout because it seems unlikely female cock-havers are throwing it around without consent.}

{This originally appeared in an abbreviated form as part of the My Submissive Life segment of episode 58 of The Pageist podcast.}

Hyenas: The Ultimate Kink Mascot

It’s generally accepted that the honey badger is nature’s BAMF. It can take a licking and keep on ticking. It straight up does not give af.

I will not be disputing that in this article.

Really. You’re amazing. No arguments. (source)

But I would like to propose the female hyena as the mascot for several marginalised groups. FemDom (and the submissive males who love it), enthusiastic consent, and trans and gender non-conforming people.

One at a time.

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for FemDom Enthusiasts

Female hyenas have three-times the testosterone of the males. So the society is matriarchal because those ladies will mess someone up if they don’t behave. Due to this, the males act submissively towards the females. They bow and rub their faces on their forelegs to show submission. And they back away when departing the female’s presence, rather than turning around.

One does not turn one’s back on the Queen.

When a male would like to mate with a female, he waits until she’s dozing, then waves his forelegs near her face so she can smell him and decide if she’s interested.

It’s just easier if she’s a little sleep-drunk. You know, rather than bench-pressing Water Buffalo at the gym.

So.

Hyenas are an excellent mascot for FemDommes and the submissive males who love them.

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for Trans and Gender Non-Conforming Individuals

Possibly due to all the testosterone, females have a faux-penis. It’s around seven inches or 17.8 centimetres long.

When greeting other hyenas they haven’t seen in awhile, both sexes develop erections, which really saves the males having to ask one another, ‘Do you think she likes me?’

In order to mate, the male has to insert his erect penis into the female’s flaccid penis.

:tips hat and nods: Ma’am. (source)

This is possible due to the female drawing hers into herself, where it becomes a vagina and allows for penetration. Try doing that with no thumbs.

Now, the bad news… What goes in must come out. These ladies also give birth through their faux-penises. I’ll give you a few seconds to stop screaming and cringing.

During pregnancy, the skin of the penis becomes thinner and more elastic to allow birth, but, it’s still a relatively small tube, so suffocation during childbirth is not uncommon.

The first birth involves tearing part of the skin of the dick, leaving a line of scar tissue along the underside. For this reason, it’s easy to tell if a female has given birth.

How much of a badass do you have to be to give birth through your vaginadick?

Female hyenas are excellent mascots for trans and gender-nonconforming people.

‘I’m a female, but I can do stuff with my junk you can’t imagine. And if you have a problem with that, I’ll destroy you. Because I’m far stronger than you.’

I’d really like to see someone try to pass a bathroom law on these ladies.

[I don’t mean to equate being trans or gender non-conforming solely with genitals—it’s more about the idea that to be female is to only be one thing—like there’s only one correct way—which includes being submissive. You can be a woman and be in charge of everything. You can be a woman and have a dick, too, if you want. If you want to have a vagina, you can do that, too. Whatever works for you, whenever it works for you.

At the same time—an enlarged clit/dick due to testosterone and turning a penis inside out to make a vag is pretty much what humans do when choosing gender alignment. Hyenas don’t need to jump through legal or medical hoops so they’ve got us beat there.]

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for Enthusiastic Consent

When the female of a species is far stronger than the male and she has to draw her faux-penis inside herself in order to create a vagina before allowing intercourse… that’s about the most blatant example of enthusiastic consent I can think of.

You are not getting anywhere near that unless she is good and ready, sonny jim.

(Fair dues—if I had to give birth through a very thin tube I’d be highly selective and violent about defending my choices, too.)

There’s probably nil whining from Good Guy hyenas, either, about how the ladies ‘owe’ them sex. Rape culture isn’t a thing when the people who give birth are in charge of their own bodies.

I propose a toast to hyenas—truly majestic creatures, who have us beat in so very many ways. Let us learn from them.

From a safe distance.

[This writing also appeared on Medium. If you are a member there and you enjoyed it, please give it some love.]

____________________________________________________________

[We’re working on a shop for the site and will be running a contest for a design pertaining to hyenas and either FemDom, enthusiastic consent and/or trans/gender non-conforming people. The winner’s design will go on merch for the site and they will get one item of apparel with their design on, as well as the rss link for Patreon supporters.

People will be able to submit more than one design. I want to avoid, ‘Hyenas are my spirit animal,’ as cultural appropriation isn’t cool, but other ideas are welcome. The winner will also retain ownership of the design.

Walter and I are working on our own ideas for this concept but I want to see what my listeners come up with.

I’m not sure exactly when that contest will begin, as the shop isn’t populated with our other designs yet, but stay tuned for that announcement in future episodes of the podcast and on various social media accounts.]

My Dad Wrote a Porno (the Book)

It's a physical book now. Like actual literature. (source)

It’s a physical book now. Like actual literature. (source)

 

[This is the text of the book review from episode 29 of the podcast.]

This episode’s book is My Dad Wrote a Porno: The Fully Annotated Edition of Belinda Blinked 1 by Jamie Morton, James Cooper, Alice Levine & Rocky Flintstone.

It’s a book based on a podcast that was started because Jamie Morton’s sixty-year-old father, upon retiring, decided to take up writing erotica. (My review of the podcast is here.)

Jamie opted to read this erotic literature around his kitchen table—one chapter at a time—with two of his closest friends (James Cooper and Alice Levine) who provide commentary and comic relief.

Because it reads like someone who took up writing for the first time at sixty.

It’s. Hilarious.

But. The book isn’t just their commentary transcribed—it has some of that, which is great, because I can hear their voices in my head and they were a riot. Belinda Blinked is on the right side of the page and the commentary, as well as notes about literary allusions, definitions, talking points and cultural context are on the left side.

Like So.

Like So.

The book also includes book club questions, a porn name generator, a drinking game and a quiz. And, oh, so much more.

I received a 37 on the quiz. Which I am quite pleased with. If you get 40 or above it says: Genius. Belinda would shag you to congratulate you.

And I don’t want that. It’s also not really saying much, as she shags everyone.

One of the reading group discussion points is:

Has anyone ever got your name wrong in the same way that Flintstone mistakes Bella for ‘Donna’? How did it make you feel?

There’s a character named Bella for the entirety of the book, except for about two lines, where she suddenly becomes Donna for some reason. To that question I say yes—Rocky Flintstone himself called me Julie for who knows why when thanking me for my review of the podcast. It made me feel like a star. You’re not a real person until Flintstone has called you by the wrong name.

Reviewing the book Belinda Blinked 1 is… impossible, as it’s not really a book. It’s a loose idea of a reason to have a woman having sex with a variety of people. She has sex with five people in one day at one point and in the physical book I’m reviewing for you now they asked Flintstone about it and he said:

When you’re an author it’s great to be lost in your own web of intrigue, plot development and unique simile assessment. So you can see how simple it is to lose track of time and sexual activity. I hadn’t actually realized I’d written that Belinda had had sex with five people in a day by the end of this chapter.

You know who I love? Rocky Flintstone.

Another one of his priceless bits of advice is:

Creating a great sex scene is all about the words: without the right words, such as ‘cervix’ and ‘vulva’, a good erotic writer would be nowhere.

I could not agree more with…most of that sentence. The correct words are so incredibly important. Otherwise… nothing doing.

They’ve just finished airing the second season with Belinda Blinked 2—it’s on iTunes—and they said that by the time they’d finished recording the first one he’d already written four books. They only record one chapter a week and at thirteen chapters for the first book… Well. Stephen King would be impressed.

But, Stephen King is Rocky’s favourite author. So there you go.

One of the additions are party game suggestions or things like asking people in groups to try to make ‘quiet gasps of admiration’ like a character did at the sight of someone’s cleavage.

So give that a go–it’s more difficult than you think.

Rocky, apparently, has four children. Three daughters and a son. He, however, has a very tenuous understanding of the female reproductive system and regularly has people either grabbing or flexing or penetrating a cervix. At one point—I think it was in the first series, Alice pulled the podcast over and had a brief conversation about how things are laid out in there. In the second series they had an actual doctor on to explain a thing or two. We’ll see if that makes any difference.

Perhaps Alice finally had enough after a character used a dildo to hit another character’s ovaries during sex.

The comment was:

No. It. Didn’t. You’re going left and right, you’re turning corners. Suddenly she’s just one big pinball machine.

There’s a line diagram of the reproductive system where babies incubate that show exactly why you can’t just grab a cervix. And… most of the other nonsense going on.

NO. NAY. NEIN. NYET.

NO. NAY. NEIN. NYET.

Some of the book is even more amusing in print due to Rocky’s idiosyncratic use of punctuation. The man does love a semicolon.

The man can create characters, though. I will give him that. Plot is overrated, right? But these characters. Thus far—in the two books—he’s had a Duchess and a Countess. I have a thing for older women so these are right off going to be the most interesting to me. Even the male characters, though… Where does he get these people from?

In the first book we have the Duchess. I pictured her as Helen Mirren, though she’s older than the character is described. Rocky is obsessed with nipples. Here’s a short passage of Belinda with the Duchess for your enlightenment:

Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs off the Duchesses ankles. The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together. Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet, she needed to touch them, caress them and finally suck them. The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires.

Okay. One. All of the handcuffs in this book are plastic. What. Two. Three inch rivets are 7.5 centimeters. Also, there’s a to-scale diagram of a typical breast-to-nipple ratio and a Titanic rivet, which made my entire day.

Day. Made.

Day. Made.

Three. The phrase, ‘Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet’ was accompanied by the comment: ‘I’m imaging Belinda slamming into her nipples with force’ which is kinda how I feel about a lovely nipple, it’s one of the few things I understand about the woman. Four. In the book, one of the comments added by the authors ‘improved’ the text thusly:

Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet, she needed to touch them, caress them, tighten them with a spanner.

Five. And this is the key one. That final sentence: The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires.

That’s actually hot. Something sexy happened in this book. I don’t know how. But an older woman standing still while a younger woman has a go on her breasts… Damn you, Rocky.

The Duchess also made Belinda use the handle of her riding crop as a dildo. That was… you know… all right.

That character reminded me a bit of Anna Chancellor’s character in Tipping the Velvet, which, if you haven’t seen it, you so should. Anna Chancellor described her character as a ‘dominatrix sex bitch’. Which pretty much sums it up.

Moving on.

A few of the comments from our intrepid authors of the meta book lead me to think they are a bit vanilla. Yet they don’t view handcuffs as being kinky. The riding crop the Duchess uses, though, that’s kinky. And Rocky certainly explores other fetishes like voyeurism. Our man enjoys leather things. So. Methinks he’s kinkier than the meta-book authors.

For example, there’s a phrase that’s been circled by the gang, which is ‘a happy sex servant to you!’ with the comment scribbled beneath: This is a beautiful greetings card. Not. And I think: I know many people who’d like this card, actually. Expand your minds, guys.

My only criticism—more advice for a, perhaps, deluxe version, would be to have Alice saying ‘Why are we here?’ when opening the book, like the start of the early episodes of the show, which I still maintain is the best opening to any show ever.

I don’t know if I would recommend this to someone who hasn’t listened to the show, as I feel like you’d be missing a lot—it’d still be funny, I’m sure. Now I want to give it to someone who hasn’t heard the podcast and see what they think. If you’re a fan of the show it’s definitely worth it. It’s a 5/5 for fans.

Collective Nouns for Kinksters

What do you call a group of kinksters? A munch?

I’ve been thinking about collective nouns in the animal kingdom (names of groups of animals) and how it might be applied to kinky people. Some terms describe physical groups of things like a herd of antelope, a band of coyotes or a gang of turkeys. While many others are less physical like a murder of crows, an unkindness of ravens and a plague of grackles. For many more names of groupings of animals, check here.

If we use the animal kingdom as inspiration for naming of groups in the kink world, then we can use anything to describe a collection of any particular set of kinksters.

Here are my ideas; I know I’m missing several. Please add your suggestions in the comments.

A KNEEL! Of Dom/mes.
An Indecision of submissives.
A Tiara of princesses.
A No! Of brats.
A Cackle of sadists.
A Welt of Masochists.
A Wag of puppies.
A Lolly of littles.
A Spank of Daddy/Mommy Dom/mes.
A Boot of Masters.
A Whip of Mistresses.
A Collar of slaves.
A Change of ABDLs.
A Duster of service submissives.
A Lark of riggers.
A Fly of rope bottoms.
A Tangle of rope people.
A Squeak of rubber fetishists.
A Whalebone of waist-trainers.
A Pedicure of foot worshippers.
A Pollock of sploshers.
A Cenobite of CBT enthusiasts (or other genitorturers).
A Smear of boot blacks.
A Creak of leatherpeople.

Look at these guys. They can't *blink* without everyone hearing them. (source)

Look at these guys. They can’t *blink* without everyone hearing them. (source)

Sex Demons!

http://rabeisgod.tumblr.com/post/142708753416/christian-author-female-masturbation-is-direct

This is a Tumblr post by a friend from a few months ago, but it’s still making me laugh and is appropriate for International Masturbation Month.

I particularly like that the original article is aimed only at women. Because it’s the woman’s job to save the world from Satan. Like Buffy.

The addition of the Elmo gif is comedy genius.

The second part of the quote from the article sounds like an excellent idea for a scene, though.

Porn for Men

I’ve written before about how admins can see the search terms visitors used to find their sites.

This time I signed in and was greeted by this:

porn for men

No, I don’t know what leathers 50 sex is, either.

Now, I know why the person was directed to my site–it was due to the ‘Lesbian Porn for Men vs for Lesbians‘ piece–that’s not what confused me.

What confused me was why a person would need to add ‘for men’ after typing in ‘porn’ into a search engine.

All porn is for men. Just… all of it. A human individual has to go out of their way to find porn not geared towards men.

Which is fine, since that’s who buys most of it. I’m just saying. The searcher could have saved themselves a few key strokes.

It’d make sense if they were searching for porn for gay men. Or porn for black men. Or some other specific type of men.

Then I started wondering if they had a specific sort of media in mind but they didn’t have the words to describe it.

Like, maybe they thought seeing too much of the dude in the porn made it gay, because they might, for a nanosecond, think the guy had nice muscles or manscaping or something.

But they didn’t want it to be all women, either. Because we all know women can’t be satisfied without some serious manliness all up in their girl-parts.

Perhaps they wanted a stand-in cock they could pretend was theirs, but didn’t want to see or hear too much other dude-ness. Because…gay.

Maybe that’s ‘porn for men’ for that person?

I don’t know. But I’m curious now.

Hey, porn for men person! If you’re reading this, please contact me. I really want to know what you’re looking for. If you’re too shy and I guessed right, trying looking for ‘gonzo porn‘, as much of it is shot from first-person and there’s no talking.

Is that it?! No talking? Porn for men would be porn with no dialogue whatsoever, right? Just sex!

Am I right? Do I win?

Gonzo porn. THAT’S porn for men.

… Oh god. I’m going to get so many hits now. So many disappointed hits.

I’m sorry. This isn’t what you’re looking for.

Or maybe this IS what you're looking for? I don't judge. (source)

Or maybe this IS what you’re looking for? I don’t judge. (source)

This is going to be a thing, isn’t it? Where occasionally I respond to something truly beautiful from my Top Searches. I’ll have to come up with a tag for it.

Lesbian Porn for Men vs for Lesbians

Lesbian Porn for Men vs Lesbian Porn for Lesbians: An Annotated List

I’ve seen one or two films of the grown-up persuasion in my time. And I enjoy the ladies who enjoy the ladies, so the majority of those films have been of ladies enjoying other ladies’… ladyparts.

When I first stumbled out into pornland, though, there was just so much of it–and it was all so shameful and dirty—and you had to go into actual physical stores (it was a dark time, kids)—so I’d blindly grab whatever I could get my hands on and run away. I’d consume my little bit of whatever I’d found and usually be partially aroused and partially appalled.

Kids, you'd wade through and take home whatever stuck to you. It was terrible. (credit)

Kids, you’d wade through and take home whatever stuck to you. It was terrible. (credit)

Then the internet arrived (blessed be the gods of perversity! all hail their filthy gifts from on low!) and I learned about the radical concept of lesbian porn made for lesbians, by lesbians. I started watching films made by Girlfriends Films and Sweetheart Video. Those just made me feel tingly in the pants region—without being appalled. (Well, until I started recognising some of the furnishings from one video to the next and realised I should probably take a break.) The films by lesbians were of a very different nature than that with which I had started my porn diet. I knew what lurked out there in the darker waters and lo, I was afraid.

So I stuck with what I knew and kept to the girly waters and all was well.

Very recently I started watching some of the Girlsway offerings. The Business of Women videos are right up my alley. But then I watched another one of theirs and it had several of the THIS WAS MADE FOR MEN signifiers. That started me thinking about the porn I watched early on and the ways porn made for two different audiences (but with the same subject matter can differ).

So here is a (no doubt incomplete) list of differences between lesbian porn for men (LPfM) vs lesbian porn for lesbians (LPfL). (And I mean between only women; no men arrive to ‘assist’ at any point in the proceedings.)

1. And I really cannot stress this one enough: NAILS. I’m at the point now where I turn off ‘lesbian’ porn if one of the women has long nails. It hurts me to look at it. And not good pain. One of my favourite porn actresses is bi and very occasionally will do a lesbian scene with slightly long nails (not Freddy Krueger length, but long enough to hurt) and I’m just, ‘Maggie, Maggie, why do you do this to me?’ (Magdalene St Michaels for those of you playing along at home.)

When some poor woman is being fingered to within an inch of her life by another woman who has two inches of vinyl attached to the ends of her fingers… Oh god. RED! RED! My eyes are tearing up as I type this. I do not consent.

We get it, lady. You're straight. Congratulations. (image from here)

We get it, lady. You’re straight. Congratulations. (image from here)

2. Foreign Objects, use of. Dudes just canNOT believe women don’t want something jammed in them. There’s a hole there (there’re TWO!) shove something in it, dammit! Or else it might seal itself shut, never to be penetrated again! Shove something, anything in there like your very lives depended upon it! Something huge, if you don’t mind.

Guys have to be in the porn even when they’re not in the thing.

There’s a hilarious ‘Lesbians React‘ video of lesbians reacting to ‘lesbian’ porn. We don’t see what they’re watching, but they describe it and, apparently the woman in the film they’re watching eventually has a stiletto heel inserted into her.

Lesbians do not do this. First of all, the vast majority of ladies who like ladies wear more sensible shoes and so wouldn’t even have one around and secondly, no.

Whilst I have not personally seen LPfM with non-sex toys used as dildoes, I’ve never seen a LPfM without a sex toy.

Yes, some women do like penetration. Just like some women don’t like oral sex. And yes, some lesbians like watching one woman with a strap-on riding another like she’s in the home stretch of the Kentucky Derby. (Ahem, this one right here.) But not every single time, men.

I wouldn’t mind there being a bit more of it in LPfL. The two groups need to get together and divvy up the amount of sex toy time so it’s a bit more equal.

'Hey Heather, why don't we go to the farmers' market. They always have really fresh courgettes. And organic is best, you know.'

‘Hey Heather, why don’t we go to the farmers’ market. They always have really fresh courgettes. And organic is best, you know.’

3. Foreign Objects, quality of. This is a weird one. But, in my viewing experience, the sex toys used in LPfM tend to be of higher quality than the ones—when you get to see them—in LPfL. You’d think that since actual lesbians are the ones who’d be using sex toys that on the rare occasion they broke one out for a porn they’d bring something nice. But I get all excited for some strap on action from actual lesbians and then they bring out plastic pinky the wonder winky. Seriously. I don’t know where they find these things, but, again, go talk to the props people for the straight guys.

I’m not asking for some monster thing that makes me think, ‘There is no way that’s going to f… holy hell that fit… That woman is straight. Straight straight straight. And she normally does elephant porn.’ But at least give me something that doesn’t look like it would cease to exist on a visual plane if I glared at it.

And something that doesn’t look like it fell off the back of a truck in Chinatown, while you’re doing me favours. You’d think they’d have nice stuff from Babes in Toyland or Good Vibes rather than what you’d get out of a naughty toy dispenser for spare coinage. Come on, ladies.

To see how it’s done properly, I suggest Kylie Ireland. She works with Girlfriends Films and brings her own gear and yes. This is how you do it.

'What do we need for this scene?' 'Just put in some change and we'll use whatever comes out.'

‘What do we need for this scene?’ ‘Just put in some change and we’ll use whatever comes out.’

4. Dialogue. Having watched gay porn, straight porn and lesbian porn I have scientifically observed an inverse correlation between testosterone and dialogue prior to the viewing of genitals.

Porn written and directed by straight people—no matter the sex of the people having the sex—gives a certain amount of porn-level dialogue and ‘plot’ before the humping kicks off.

Gay porn, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a couple lines to set the scene—mostly you just have to work out the ‘plot’ by what people are wearing and the set. ‘They’re soldiers. Soldiers having sex with each other.’ ‘They’re firemen. Firemen having sex with each other.’ ‘I don’t know what the… The setting is just a bedroom and they weren’t wearing clothes long enough to establish… They’re two dudes having sex with each other.’

Lesbian porn… everyone has a Dickensian back story and they’re all best friends with their exes, unless their ex is crazy (this is true-to-life, though, so props to realism), and each film has to be set up by twenty-five minutes of talking. No joke—I was once forty-five minutes into a Girlfriends Film before I saw a boob. I thought maybe I’d got the wrong film, but I knew who most of the actresses were so I stuck with it. And I must say—their actresses are pretty good. Once the sex got rolling it was even better! I was a little snarky by that point. ‘Oh, you are going to have sex. Bully for you!’

So. More oestrogen = more talking. More testosterone = less talking. Science!

'Maybe they'll stop talking soon and I'll get to see a nipple. That'll be worth the four hour wait.'

‘Maybe they’ll stop talking soon and I’ll get to see a nipple. That’ll be worth the four hour wait.’

5. Noises; Or: Sounds other than dialogue that issue from the mouths of women in porn.

These sounds vary depending on the porn the person is accustomed to performing in. Lesbians in LPfL make sounds people make when having sex—moans and hums that are particular to each woman.

Women in LPfM or who do a lot of crossover work make ‘sexy’ sounds they’ve all learned in a class somewhere.

One that I find especially odd is the intake of breath through the teeth. It’s a sound you’d make if you stubbed a toe on the way to the loo in the middle of the night and didn’t want to shout. If air was being exhaled rather than inhaled you’d say: ‘Shhhh’. At some point someone decided that a woman sucking air through her clenched teeth was sexy so now it’s common with bi/straight female porn performers.

Is it supposed to be a ‘fierce’ thing? ‘I’m so turned on I just can’t ooohhh, you just wait’ [reverse hissing sound]

That’s the thing that prompted this list—the actress in question was making that sound every (no kidding) ten seconds or so. Nope. Couldn’t do it. Turned it off. Because I was turned off.

Another sound you hear a lot is a moan/whine that could be coming from any porn actress out there. It’s the same pitch and notes, I swear. And it’s usually emitted at regular intervals.

Look, I know it’s a fantasy. I’m willing to work with you. All you have to do is not sound like a porn actress. That merely requires not making the exact same sounds every other actress makes. At regular intervals… in exactly the same way.

There could be another explanation. 'And now the mmmmyeah sound every three seconds.'

There could be another explanation.
‘And now the mmmmyeah sound every three seconds.’

6. Spitting. Guess which one it happens in. Guess which one it doesn’t. Spitting is not my kink so it just kinda grosses me out. It’s particularly jarring when it’s supposed to be vanilla sex.

No image available for this entry

No image available for this entry

7. Fake breasts. This isn’t a judgment on people who have breast implants—I’m all about people doing whatever they want with their bodies. This is about the differences between porn for lesbians and porn for dudes. And fake boobies are sort of a straight person thing. Especially the egregious ones. The ones that look painful. My friend Bug said, ‘I can’t get off while I’m busy being concerned about your surgery.’ I tend to start focusing just on body parts. Well, two body parts especially. I start thinking about how un/proportional they are, how un/naturally they sit or hang, what sort of job the surgeon did. There are some really nice boob jobs out there, I admit! And also some… well, I’m just sorry for those girls and I hope the money they’re making is to fix the other jobs.

The point is, I shouldn’t suddenly be focused on aesthetics and wondering if all the women with good breast jobs went to the same place or the one with the unfortunate set just caught the surgeon on a bad day. I should be enjoying the sex. Which is easier to do with natural boobs.

'The breasts themselves are equally proportioned, but they're a bit asymmetrical.'

‘The breasts themselves are equally proportioned, but they’re a bit asymmetrical.’

8. Non-conventional beauty. Even in my beloved Girlfriends and Sweetheart videos the women are pretty high femme. (I don’t know what that makes the average porn woman—stratospheric femme?)You have to look to the Crash Pad series to find a truly impressive assortment of female bodies having all kinds of sex. Aside from Crash Pad, LPfL still employs women that you’d never see in LPfM. (If you’re unfamiliar with Crash Pad, Oh Joy Sex Toy has an excellent review of their services.)

Some of the women in straight lesbian porn can be a little...plastic. (credit)

Some of the women in straight lesbian porn can be a little…plastic. (credit)

9. Shoes. This was pointed out to me by my friend Bean, but she was correct—LPfM lesbians keep their shoes on sometimes—something they never do in LPfL. Which is true. I guess straight girls like wearing murder heels. Unless they’re putting those heels in other women.

'No, no, I'm absolutely comfortable. Let's have sex standing up!' (Kronier Creations)

‘No, no, I’m absolutely comfortable. Let’s have sex standing up!’ (Kronier Creations)

10. Enthusiasm for the V. In LPfM you often see the enthusiasm for the V that ten-year-olds have for the first day of school. ‘Oh yay. This thing I have to do. Joy illimited.’ They then poke it with their tongue: poke, poke, poke like trying to ring a doorbell. It’s so sad. No wonder there’s all the spitting. In LPfL the ladies have the enthusiasm for the V that ten-year-olds have for the last day of school. They’re in there like they’re looking for their lost inheritance. They’re going down on a porn star and it’s the best damn day of their lives. As it should be.

'Girl parts. They are my favourite parts to put my face very close to.'

‘Girl parts. They are my favourite parts to put my face very close to.’

So what do you think? On the mark? Did I miss something?