Con Drop and Cough Drops

I have returned from Eroticon (which was enormous fun) with some sort of illness (not any amount of fun). Walter had it as we arrived in London on Friday and it began for me as we returned Sunday evening or Monday morning. I can’t recall now, as I’m pretty zapped.

I have a cough and sore throat and generally no energy or will to move. I’ll be posting some photos left over from the conference that I didn’t post at the time, but mostly I’ll be reading this week’s book and sleeping.

The poetry for patrons and Romance of Lust readings will be late, due to the bleurgy, as will, probably, the podcast episode this week, considering how frequently I have to keep checking what day it is, between long periods of staring at nothing. Time has acquired an oddly fluid quality that I don’t care for.

Thank you for your patience. As a reward (I guess, I hope) have this:

I was saving up for a new computer so I didn’t have a budget for much, but I did buy a toy from Godemiche (pronounced god-mee-SHAY).

The Apprentice–it’s for your butt.

In case you can’t tell what it looks like… for size comparison:

The mug was a freebie from girlonthenet, who is wonderful.

I’ve wanted a smoother, thinner toy for awhile now, since penetration isn’t my thing but I need to learn to deal/cope with or, perhaps, enjoy it, one day, since I have to have regular pap smears, thanks to having HPV.

The plan was to have something smaller and frictionless to use to begin working up to a more ‘typical’ size during my medicinal play sessions.

I’m a basic sort of person–if something is available in black, that’s what I’m going for. Shoes, underwear, coats, bags, sex toys.

But Godemiche has some incredible colours–they’re pretty on their site, but I’ve seen them in person and can attest to their beauty up close.

The owners of the company were there and they’re both passionate about what they do–they clearly love it. We chatted for a bit and their enthusiasm was infectious.

I haven’t tried mine yet because nothing is less sexy than feeling sick, but I plan to write a review at some point, so you’ll hear about it eventually.

Fixing an Anal Fissure with Octopuppy

Now that I’ve settled in England and the blog will be returning to regularly scheduled posts it seemed like kicking things off with a piece about healing anal fissures was the best way to get back into things.

Or with a ridiculous run-on sentence. Either. Both. Don’t say I never got you anything.

Really, it’s great to be back–there will be a few changes in the posting schedule as I return to the swing of things–but as I was looking for a post for this week…well.

This was the first one that crossed my path.

It’s an important topic that applies to kinky and non-kinky people (you can get fissures from pooping too hard) and the author–one Octopuppy–writes about it from a place of knowledge and humour.

If you’re on Fet, here is the original post.

How to Fix an Anal Fissure

Hi Fetlife,

As an anal sex aficionado, both on the giving and receiving end, I’ve personally dealt with (and helped others deal with) the occasional anal fissure. I recently wrote all of this to a buddy who Fetmailed me asking why her ass felt like it had “shards of glass” in it the day after getting up to some anal shenanigans, and I thought it would be good advice to post publicly in case anyone else runs into this very common side effect of anal play. Remember that anal fissures are also avoidable, and I tell you how to avoid them at the end.

Disclaimer: I am absolutely NOT a doctor (just a pervert).
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I’m gonna write this the way I talk in my Anal 101 and Anal 202 classes, which means it’s gonna be hella crass but will probably make you laugh. Also, I’m gonna talk really bluntly about some body functions and give you direct instructions about what to do, so be prepared for this to get embarrassing.

What the fuck is an anal fissure?!

Anal fissures are small cuts or tears on the anus – think of a paper cut on your asshole (ow). These may be really hard to see for yourself unless you’re really bendy and have a mirror and a flashlight, so if you want to get a good look at it, lay facedown on the bed and spread your butt cheeks with your hands, relaxing as much as possible so the majority of your sphincter is showing (as opposed to tensing where the sphincter is smaller and more compact) and have your partner take a couple pictures with a hi res camera. It’s a couples bonding act, I tellya. Oh, and try not to laugh, it tenses the sphincter 🙂

How do these weirdo butt-cuts even happen?!

You can give yourself a fissure just by pooping, either with diarrhea where the sphincter gets puffy and irritated, or with hard/large poops where you are literally “tearing yourself a new one.” Often the best way to avoid either of those outcomes is to eat a fuck ton of fiber (or just go grandma-style and Metamucil it up).

Fissures also often happen when you want your body to do a thing (allow a penis or toy inside you) and your body is tense and freaking out (as is often the case when you or your partner are new to anal shenanigans). You often don’t feel the tearing in the moment because you are aroused, but it shows up later and OW.

Any trip to the bathroom can feel like an adventure because if pee gets back there, it burns like fuck. If you have to poop, you grit your teeth and hope for the best because if it’s soft it will burn and itch and if it’s hard it will feel like pooping broken glass and will tear the fissure open again. Don’t be surprised if you see a little bright red blood when you wipe. NOT A FUN TIME.

Oh god, how do I make it go away?!

  • 1.) Start eating that fiber, like now, today, immediately. Fiber pills or supplements are cheap and an easy way to start if you don’t want to go buy a dozen apples. This will cause your poops to be solid (no diarrhea to further irritate the cuts) but not hard or too large (ow). It’s still going to suck to poop, but it won’t suck as bad as it would if you had diarrhea or hard poops. Also, increase your water intake (thanks to Covatar for the tip!)
  • 2.) Get a box of baby wipes and a bottle of witch hazel (Dickinson’s is a good brand). Take the baby wipes out of the box and dump out any fluid in the baby wipe box. Then squeeze the baby wipes (which should all be stuck together in one big block) between a couple of flat objects over the sink to get rid of most of the fluid in them. Put the block of baby wipes back in the box and soak them in witch hazel. You have just created your own Tucks pads. After you poop (or if you get pee in the fissure), gently but thoroughly clean your sphincter with these. They should burn, but only a little tiny bit.

(You can just buy Tucks, but they are itty-bitty 3″ diameter paper circles so you will go through them very quickly; alternatively, you can just squirt some witch hazel on a clump of toilet paper, but anyone who’s ever tried to take fingernail polish off with TP knows this doesn’t work that well either. Trust me on the baby wipes.)

  • 3.) Get some hydrocortisone, 1% or 2% if you can find it, no fancy shit like cooling effect or anything, just plain hydrocortisone. After cleaning with the witch hazel baby wipes, pat yourself dry with some TP and then slather the cut(s) in hydrocortisone. You may need to get some of those “light days” pantyliners so you don’t leave funny hydrocortisone skid marks in your underwear. You can also alternate this with zinc oxide paste (thanks to RoughStrife for the tip!). Also, “sitz” baths (i.e. a bath in which one sits) can help – just run a few inches of hot water in your tub, plug the drain, add some Epsom Salts, and let your angry butthole relax for a bit (thanks to Emi_Cakes and LadyMonterey for the tip!)
  • 4.) Repeat until the fissure starts to heal (you will notice it healing because it doesn’t sting like hell if you get pee in the vicinity). Once the fissure starts to heal, you can switch from hydrocortisone cream to Super Salve (the basic one, NOT the arnica muscle rub one).
  • 5.) If the fissure doesn’t heal, if you are still experiencing hard poops/diarrhea while taking the fiber, or if you are still getting blood when you wipe after a week of doing the above, go see a gynecologist or doctor (you don’t have to tell them how you got the fissure, people get them all the time by just pooping).

It will likely not be a big deal, just a “stubborn” fissure that needs a little more time. I had a stubborn one recently and my gyno gave me 2% fluid lidocaine (usually used orally but hey it works just fine on the butt too apparently) which helped a lot with the pain while it healed up (I put it on about 15 mins prior to using the bathroom.) But definitely go see the gyno or a doc if it sticks around for more than a week because it might be something more complicated.

How do I make sure this NEVER happens again?!

  • 1.) Hella fiber. All day every day, fiber it up. A healthy pooper is the best start for anal funtimes. This is usually as simple as eating a high-fiber breakfast cereal and an apple every day.
  • 2.) Clean yourself out first, about an hour before playtime. You can use a small enema syringe (link) and just fill it with warm water and lube the tip. Don’t try to hold it in, just put the water in and let it out. You may need a couple bulbs’ worth before you feel clean, but don’t overdo it. Give yourself at least an hour before playtime so no water is still hanging out waiting to make you have to jump up and run to the bathroom.
  • 3.) Gentle, slow foreplay. Gloved fingers, one at a time, small vibrators, soft and smooth toys (no texture). No partner pressure to “work up to” a penis or larger toy. I actually recommend people play with their butts + toys while they masturbate alone for a while so they learn what feels good without a partner there, because even if the partner is not pressuring you, you can feel pressured which causes your muscles to tense up and anal fissures to happen.
  • 4.) LOTS OF GOOD LUBE. And use the GOOD lube. I recommend thick, slick oil-based lubes such as Elbow Grease if you’re just going to be doing anal play instead of penetrative anal sex (remember, oil based lube wrecks condoms, and make sure none drips into the vagina!). If you are going for penetrative anal sex, use a thick water based lube such as System Jo H2O Anal (link) so you don’t have to worry about popping condoms (although still make sure no lube drips from the butt to the vagina).
  • 5.) Stop immediately and switch to something else that is fun if things start to sting or hurt. Sometimes this can simply feel like a gritty texture or grinding sensation. You have to be “in tune” with your butt for this, which takes time.

If you have questions, feel free to PM me, but remember that A) I am not a doctor and B) I am in grad school, so my free time is extremely limited and I may not be able to respond quickly.

Hope that helps y’all out there stickin’ stuff in your butts!

Bonus! This comic from Oh Joy Sex Toy is about doing the butt sex safely and features the anal sex safety snails!