30 Days of Kink: The Last Fetish Shop in N.O.

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

I had planned to write about my romp amongst the multiple fetish shops that were no doubt thriving in New Orleans, what with all the sinners and all. (Drinking on the street is legal there–this is unusual in the U.S.)

I was sorely disappointed.

Prior to my trip to the bayou, I had received information from a former resident of New Orleans that there would be several kink shops in the French Quarter. This was fortunate, as our accommodation was within walking distance.

The first clue my quest would be a futile one was when Google returned zero hits when searching for the shops I wanted. When I did find a reference it was some lamentation or another for a long-time shop having closed.

I thought the fault lay with me and my inability to find anything ever using internet search engines.

Because, surely, New Orleans still had at least five active fetish shops.

We’d simply ask at a gay club. Rawhide sounded like a promising start.

Before we got that far, we came across Boutique du Vampyre, which is a funky little shop with loads of handmade (well-made) items. They had gorgeous corsets and I had a friend there who sews who checked it out and gave me the thumbs up saying it was very high-quality. The one I chose was an under corset and it was $150. When I showed it to another corset aficionado who was with us but not on that expedition she gave me a high five for finding something that nice at that price. She also laced me me into it.

Behold, my first corset!

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(It’s by Daisy Corsets if you want to check out their incredible line.)

The woman there, the very cool and lovely Marita Jaeger gave us the news there weren’t really any fetish shops left. She said there was a place that may have some things, which turned out to be QT Pie at 241 Dauphine. They had a sister site, Panda Bear (415 Bourbon St), which was 99% sex toys and lingerie and a few fetish gear type things.

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I had hoped for an experience similar to the first time going to a gay bookstore, which had buttons and stickers and books and t-shirts and all sorts of gay-themed things, but with a kinky bent. (heh heh) I had felt less alone in the world and spent far too much money there. Not this time, alas.

Boutique du Vampyre saved my trip. I wound up going back to give them more money and get other things, since I had been holding back on the assumption I’d be throwing cash around like mad in the actual fetish shop.

Oh well. At least I know my google skills aren’t as bad as I’d thought.


30 Days of Kink Day 29: Titles

I don't have oneDay 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

I do not have a title (unless The Pageist counts, which I’d be pleased with). None of the titles I’ve heard other people called or used have resonated with me.

In regard to other people and titles: knock yourself out. If someone has a title that feels right to them and everyone in their kink family is on-board then go nuts. Just don’t expect people outside of your family to call you Lord DragonCock or whatever.


[graphic from here]

30 Days of Kink Day 28 Attire

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

I haven’t actually done anything, but in my head I would go to dungeons (and I intend to do this eventually) in black jeans, a white button down top and black leather corset or waist corset of some description. I’m not sure about shoes. Probably riding boots. Those aren’t really subby—I think of those as being more ‘On your knees, worm!’ but they’re comfortable.

I'm more into fashion corsets than waist-training. (credit)

I’m more into fashion corsets than waist-training. (credit)

Because I have the whole ‘Very Good Secretary’ fetish thing I also like the idea of dressing that way. Sort of office appropriate for an assistant to the sort of woman a friend of mine calls the Head Bitch in Charge (HBiC). That would probably really confuse people, though. ‘Did she come here straight from the office?’

During scenes I would prefer to wear something feminine but not too fussy. Stockings are hot, but I’ve never had the urge to wear them. A camisole with a bit of lace trim and matching boy shorts. Thongs aren’t my thing and wedgies aren’t sexy. I like wearing something, though. I think of my style in that department as somewhere between baby girl and slut. (I use both words as compliments and recognise that one person can be both things. Clothing-wise, one is pink jim-jams with sheep on and the other is crotchless panties and sheer bras. Both have their positive attributes but neither are ‘me’.)

I’m not sure how to answer the significance question. My clothing choices are what feel natural to me. Those choices are how I would express my submissive side. In public I wouldn’t be nude—or even close to it—because my submission would be for my Dominant. But I still love the way leather looks. And I want to be comfortable—both that evening and the next few days—so heels are not an option.

In scenes I would be more comfortable covered (though wearing less than my Dominant) at least for a time. I just find that more interesting/sexy. Obviously, if my Dominant made a request for something—a costume or particular type of lingerie—I’d be amenable.

30 Days of Kink Day 27: Non-kink activities

30 Days of Kink. Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

All of my kinky activities are in my head, but my non-kink interests involved reading, writing and organizing. If I had a Dominant who wanted me to read books so we could discuss them or write erotica for her and who asked me to organize her desk/study/house for her I’d be happy.

My other non-kink interest is animal welfare, but I’m not into pet play or bestiality so… that would be a no.

When you're studying for a test for your Domme and fall asleep...

When you’re studying for a test for your Domme and fall asleep…

(I cannot find the owner/original of this image. If you know who it belongs to, please leave a comment so I can attribute it.)

30 Days of Kink Day 26: Online BDSM Play

Not *exactly* what this post is about...

Not *exactly* what this post is about…

Day 26: What’s your opinion of online BDSM play?

I suppose it’s like any other sort of relationship in that as long as both people are approaching the experience with the same goals (for an hour, for fun or looking to build a long-term relationship, for example) and as long as everyone is honest about their motives then what’s the harm? I live most of my life on the internet and met my husband there so I know how profound online relationships can be.

I’ve never had a virtual BDSM relationship, though, so I don’t know how protocols or rituals or physical scenes are dealt with. People must handle them in whatever ways are meaningful to them and work for their specific situations.

I do believe we can learn a great deal about ourselves and our beliefs simply through talking about them, so virtual play can be useful in that way.

Also, BDSM scenes are often fantasy-based and coming up with new scenes to type to your partner is a way to be creative. I’m sure a person can get really imaginative when there are no budgetary limits for props and costumes.

To my mind, it’s just another way of getting your kink on.

30 Days of Kink Day 25: How Open are You?

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

I’m quite open because I have this condition where, if I’m excited about something, I can’t shut myself up.

Luckily, I also have something called ‘Fuck You if You Don’t Like It’ Syndrome wherein I inherently feel judgmental people can take a flying leap. This is me. I’d rather you hate me for me than love me for being someone I’m not.

I’ve had both of these conditions since birth, as far as I can tell.

I've just worked out why I don't like gags. They'd keep me from telling people to eff off if they don't like me for me.

I’ve just worked out why I don’t like gags. They’d keep me from telling people to eff off if they don’t like me for me.


I live most of my life online (the majority of the friends I have live in my computer) and I’m very open with them. We’ve known one another for over ten years—there are roughly twenty of us—and everyone is accepting and supportive.

My husband also knows everything about me because we have that sort of completely honest relationship. And I couldn’t keep anything from someone I live with if I wanted to. He’s also great about it and is happy I’m happy.

I do keep that side of myself out of my work life and from my family, as I think it’s rude to scare the normals and I don’t want to kill my mother. Or spend eighty-five hours trying to explain it to her.

30 Days of Kink Day 24 Potential Partners

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m happily married so I’m not looking for a partner, but if I were single, I would be looking for an experienced Dominant. Both in emotional/psychological aspects as well as physical play. She wouldn’t have to be a professional dominatrix, but I’d want someone who knew her way around a flogger.

I’d want a Domme who was kind and intelligent with a dry sense of humour. A woman who was my age at the absolute youngest, preferably older. Someone in control of herself and confident—not arrogant—who was comfortable being vulnerable and capable of helping me grow as a submissive.

I’d also want the moon on a stick, while you’re at it.

A handy graphic of what I'd like in a partner. (from here)

A handy graphic of what I’d like in a partner. (from here)

30 Days of Kink Day 23: Perspectives

Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

I’m not sure I’d say my interests have changed—more that I’ve realised there was a name for the way I’m oriented so now I know where to look for more information on those things in order to learn more about it and more about myself.

Though perhaps my interests have changed a bit. When I first started reading about certain activities I thought, ‘Eh, that, that and that over there really aren’t my thing,’ but some of those have changed. Certain activities have become more interesting the more I’ve thought about them.

And I’ve definitely become less prone to being shocked by anything. My initial reaction to what some people would consider extreme behaviour now tends toward the technical. ‘Oh. Huh. So how do you keep the potato salad from going off over that length of time? Doesn’t it clog the gears of the PlungeFuhrer3000? And how do you affix the fourteenth person to it, again? I’m not seeing the straps…Oh yeah, I see it now.’

Like this. Tell me about your fire play, clown branding orgy and I'm just. 'How did you keep the wigs from bursting into flame. They seem highly flammable.' (image source)

Like this. Tell me about your fire play, clown branding orgy and I’m just, ‘How did you keep the wigs from bursting into flame. They seem highly flammable.’ (image source)

Overall, I’d say my interests have evolved or grown to encompass more rather than change into something completely different. It’s also made me a more accepting person—both of others and of myself.

30 Days of Kink Day 22: Healthy Relationships

From Etsy shop Dragosh.

From Etsy shop Dragosh.

Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Communication. Everything about BDSM seems to be about communication from both sides. If you’re trusting your life, mental health and physical safety to another human being (or accepting the responsibility of someone else’s life, mental health and physical safety) you have to be self aware and honest with yourself and your partner.

I don’t think this differs from vanilla relationships.

One mode of communication between Dominants and submissives that personally appeals to me is where a submissive is encouraged to keep a journal the Dominant has access to. This can be an online, private journal/blog or a physical journal.

There’s a bookbinder on Etsy who makes journals that would be make excellent sub journals, dragosh. Every journal is unique and is made to your specifications. (They’re also leather-bound, so you get the leather fetish as a bonus, as well.)

Regular journaling as a mode of communication is attractive because it keeps you both focused on the relationship—on both what’s going well so you’re not only thinking about the negative, but also how to improve whatever needs working on. It allows those who are uncomfortable expressing their emotions a more relaxed atmosphere in which to lay down their thoughts, as well as gives the reader/responder time to digest what the other person thinks. In verbal conversation, we often formulate our answers rather than listen to the other person, so having their words on the page in front of us to read through more than once, if necessary, is useful.

Regular journaling will also give you a document of your growth as a submissive and as a D/s couple that you’ll be able to look back on and see how far you’ve come, what you’ve learned and whathaveyou. For those days when maybe you’re not feeling very submissive or you’re failing as a Dominant/submissive.

30 Days of Kink Day 21: Favourite BDSM Book

Guido Argentini: From the portfolio Private Rooms

Guido Argentini: From the portfolio Private Rooms

Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction).

Probably Richard von Krafft-Ebing’s Psychopathia Sexualis about which I have waxed poetic on previous occasions.

It was the first book written about paraphilias and fetishes. Krafft-Ebing took the radical view that homosexuality shouldn’t be illegal. Scandalous.

Psychopathia Sexualis was supposed to be written for learned men (psychiatrists, physicians and people in the legal profession—it was used in court cases). Highly academic, it was a collection of case studies and the more salacious parts were in Latin (my copy had those parts translated into English).

The general public of 1886 weren’t put off by dead languages, though, as they immediately ran out and bought the book. It went through twelve editions and was published in seven languages during the author’s lifetime.

I’ve chosen it for this entry because it shows that people have always had fetishes (and it’s fascinating how the mores of the day shape those fetishes) and because it’s the first place I learned about pageism.

[I feel compelled to note that there’s a film that’s supposedly based on the book. Yes, I’ve seen it. Well. The first fifteen minutes or so at any rate. It’s the only film I’ve ever walked out of.]

More Argentini pictures from the Private Rooms portfolio here. (Very NSFW.)

30 Days of Kink Day 20: Fly Those Flags

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/BDSM that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

At present I can’t think of anything. If I’m curious about something I try to learn about it. If this prompt is referring to ‘curious’ in terms of something I’d want to try then I answered that on day 15.

In regard to not understanding something I feel like I don’t need to understand everything. As long as the people doing whatever they’re doing are enjoying themselves then that’s all that matters. I figure people do most things because it feels good or answers something within them. Beyond that I’m not all that concerned about the whys or wherefores.

Basically: Let your freak flag fly, baby.

30 Days of Kink Day 19 Improvements

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

Everything is Awesome

Sorry for the earworm (credit, the shirt is no longer available)

Kink has improved my life in every way. I mentioned the essay Kink Fixed Me a few days ago and I mention it again here, as it describes many of the ways kink improved my life. The short version is that I grew up in a very repressive culture where women weren’t allowed to own their sexuality and being gay was extra terrible. I wanted certain things that didn’t have anything to do with sex (which I now know are D/s related) but didn’t have words for it and felt different from everyone else.

Once I learned I was kinky everything fell into place and suddenly I wasn’t the one who was different or wrong, it was the people trying to make me feel badly about myself who needed to be shoved off a Norwegian fjord.

Another way kink has improved my life is it’s given me a focus—sets of books and films to consume and analyze and lots of things to learn and synthesize. Having an overarching theme to learn about has given my life a sort of meaning. I’ve always enjoyed critically reviewing books and film—I’ve done this for years on my vanilla site—but now I have a topic that speaks to me on a deeper level.

One other way is I liked the idea of being in a 24/7 D/s relationship and being given daily assignments by my Dominant. I wanted to train myself to complete assignments, so I got a notebook and began keeping track of the things I needed to do, what I wanted to do and how many of those I actually got through. (I’ll be doing an in-depth post about this in the coming weeks.) Having assignments/goals written down helped me see what I was actually accomplishing in a day and over the last months I’ve been more productive than I have been in years, my house has never been cleaner and I’m exercising regularly.

In short:

The lyrics to this song are apt.

30 Days of Kink Day 18: Pet Peeves

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Not really pet peeves just boring at this point—things you see so much of it’s tiring. Like anal hooks and jewelled butt plugs.

They’re everywhere. It would be like if whenever you opened your internet browser every third photo of a woman—no matter what woman it was—she’d be wearing the same shirt.

‘That shirt must be really popular. And comfortable. People really love that shirt. I know because every third woman is wearing it.’

But eventually every third woman will be wearing a different shirt so it doesn’t really matter. It won’t be anal hooks and jewelled butt plugs, it’ll be, I don’t know, flaming nipple rings and burlap chastity belts or something. But everyone will have one. And that will be the boring part.

I typed 'bored' and 'BDSM' into Google and this came up. I had to use it. This is a man with anal hooks AND jewelled butt plugs.

I typed ‘bored’ and ‘BDSM’ into Google and this came up. I had to use it.
This is a man with anal hooks AND jewelled butt plugs.

I know I sound like a kink hipster and maybe I’d feel differently if it every third woman were, I don’t know, tidying some hot, older woman’s desk. Perhaps that would get boring, too.

No, that would never get boring. Particularly if the older woman was around fifty-five and wearing glasses, and in a pinstripe suit. Maybe with a tie. And she was looking all stern about it. Like she was going to be checking later to be sure the files were in alphabetical order and if they weren’t, oh boy…

Wait, what was this prompt about? How no one has my kink and I’m bitter? I’m not bitter! You’re bitter!

30 Days of Kink Day 16 Difficult Aspects

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

'I've had this many problems.' :holds up no fingers: (credit)

‘I’ve had this many problems.’ :holds up no fingers: (credit)

Thus far I haven’t had any difficulty, really. Quite the opposite, which I go into in the essay Kink Fixed Me. It’s about how realising I was kinky solved several life-long problems I’d had with my sexuality and self-esteem relating to it.

Perhaps the only problem is that BDSM is not more widely accepted or talked about so I didn’t know of it until I was in my mid-thirties and therefore went through a large portion of my life feeling different from everyone else.

30 Days of Kink Day 15 Curiosity

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

Because, see, cats are curious and it's a question about kink... get it? Nevermind. (credit)

Because, see, cats are curious and it’s a question about kink… get it? Nevermind.

I’ve not yet done anything kinky outside of my head so I’m curious about all the things I’m interested in. I suppose the thing that’s most possible/practical for me to try (if I bothered to go to munches/get vetted/go to dungeons/etc) would be a flogging. I’d have to feel very safe, obviously, but I’d like to know what a heavy, thuddy flogging delivered by an older woman who knew what was what would be like. I’m not comfortable being vulnerable in front of other people, though, so that part makes me incredibly nervous. I’m not sure how I would be at letting go and allowing myself to experience the…experience, as I intellectualize everything.

There are lots of things I’m curious about but think I would only be comfortable doing in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but that’s not going to happen. I would have to be fully committed to a Dominant and feel she was fully committed to me in order to do certain things that I feel very drawn to/curious about, as it’s about more than just physical sensation for me, but about an emotional connection. Like body worship or control scenes, which I’d like to try.

I think the hesitation comes back to my inability to be vulnerable with others. I don’t like being touched—physically or emotionally—so in order for me to allow that to happen I have to be very sure of the other person. There couldn’t be anything casual about it. When I am comfortable that way it’s full on.

Within a D/s relationship, there’s an entire list of things I’d want to try. Being fed, dressing someone, having my clothes chosen for me, having my hair brushed, being bathed, being cuddled, sitting at her feet every evening as part of our routine, enforced bedtime, providing several services to keep the house in order and her life flowing smoothly including polishing her boots because I’m a big cliche.

In terms of pain scenes, I’d also like to try leather-gloved OTK spankings and certain types of bondage with padded leather cuffs with perhaps thigh cuffs, as well. But, again, outside of a committed D/s relationship I don’t know if I’d be comfortable or capable of trusting someone to that extent.

I would only be interested in sex if I was in a long-term D/s committed relationship, but I’d try a variety of things. That one really isn’t going to happen, as I’m happily married to my best friend, so it’s pointless to get into particulars there.

30 Days of Kink Day 14 Real Life Kink

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

I haven’t experienced real life BDSM but in the fantasy no one ever gets foot cramp or has too much tea earlier in the day and has to constantly be uncuffed in order to take 50,000 potty breaks or has their contact lens go round the wrong side of their eye during an intense part of the scene, resulting in the big, scary D-type whimpering in pain, blindly feeling for the eye drops.

Or shutting the animals out of the room, only for them to sit outside the door and howl/miaow in protest. That’s got to heighten the mood, right? Maybe pretend you’re being tortured at the back of a pet shop…

What are you DOING in there? (credit)

What are you DOING in there? (credit)

Or someone ate something unfortunate and is now contributing non-consensual olfactory sensations to the scene. Who needs a gag when your partner can just eat too many eggs four hours before a flogging, right? ‘I said breath play was a hard limit, Gary. Jesus.

Now I’m tempted to write a scene like that and title it ‘Nights You Wish You Were Vanilla’

That’s just your body being obnoxious. There’s also the ‘Everyone’s a Pro at Everything, All the Time’ trope in fantasyland. They lift that first cane off the shelf of Spanx and Thanx, a light from On High touches them and that D-type instantly and perfectly knows how to top everyone using any implement.

But in real life when you do things the first few times you’re definitely going to have to work out how they work and then build on those experiences. I picture people using new implements or trying new scenes almost like putting together Ikea furniture. ‘How does this bit work…? WOW’ ‘It that supposed to happen?’ ‘Whoops. Mind that. We’ll know that for next time.’

Another body-related one: Fetish clothing is not forgiving. In our fantasies all that leather and latex feels amazing and is so incredibly flattering, as well. Our clothes enhance the roles we inhabit.

In reality… Leather doesn’t really breathe and rubber and vinyl don’t look like they’d be super comfortable over a long period (though I could be wrong, I don’t know), but none of those are exactly loose, billowing sorts of fabrics that hide any imperfections.

I have a feeling that having a great time with BDSM involves marrying the fantasy with the reality—unless you genuinely are a physically flawless person who never gets cramp and is an expert in every scene/type of play—you take what’s happening and sort of CGI the rest of the fantasy over the top of it in your mind.

In the fantasy, to paraphrase Vonnegut: ‘Everything is beautiful and everything hurts (the way you want it to).’

Now I can’t stop thinking of things that could go wrong.

From the innocuous-but-highly-annoying: mosquito in the room. I’m picturing a restrained, squirming bottom hoping like hell the thing doesn’t land on them while a top flails a heavy flogger around trying to get it, but mostly hitting him or herself. Could also be a spider, wasp, or any other bug, but mosquitoes do that zinging in the ear just to let you know they could bite you any time. Sadistic bastards. RED.

To the possible-and-therefore-terrifying: an earthquake/fire/tornado or burst pipe/gas leak/bomb threat while you’re in complicated restraints. (Always have safety shears/keys/escape clips/etc at the ready, kids!)

'We HAVE the handcuffs... How are MORE handcuffs going to help?' (purchase that)

‘We HAVE the handcuffs… How are MORE handcuffs going to help?’ (purchase this)

All the way to the mortifying-to-the-point-of-moving-to-Mars: your hyper religious grandparents stopping by and hearing ‘violence’ so they call the police and they find…what they find. Which would of course be the time you’re doing the naughty priest and nun bit.

The more I think about it the more amazed I am anyone ever has successful BDSM scenes.

Oh! What about—after weeks of planning you finally get to do a really complicated scene with someone. All the anticipation, you’re nearly in subspace before you’re out of your car at their place.

Things are just starting to flow in the scene—it’s something you’ve never done before and it’s going better than you thought it would. You weren’t sure you’d be able to take something so intense. This is going to be an incredible weekend. Your phone goes. Your sister has gone into pre-term labour. She’s six weeks early and you’re her birth partner. Sucks to be you.

This is fun. I could do this all day. As a writer I love ruining my characters’ good times.

30 Days of Kink Day 13: The Appeal of Kink

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Well, I'm drawn to this beauty from Halfway Creations for one.

Well, I’m drawn to this beauty from Halfway Creations for one.

I’ve read this question five times and I’m not sure how to answer it. I just am drawn to certain things. The biggest part of BDSM I’m drawn to is D/s. I’d definitely be into bondage and the pain, but I look at it like D/s would be the main course and the rest would be side dishes.

In terms of what draws me to D/s… I can tell you what does, but I can’t tell you why, because I don’t know why (and I don’t think the ‘why’ matters. You just are who you are.)

I want to provide service because I like the idea of being useful to someone I admire and respect—a Dominant. It’s inherent to me—I just naturally want to do things to make life easier for that sort of person. In return I only need genuine gratitude.

I’ve always liked rules and order and being told exactly what was expected of me so I could meet those expectations and be praised for doing so. So I could know I was doing a good job. That’s how I’ve been my entire life. I do know where that desire comes from—I’ve often had a difficult (re: impossible) time reading other people and knowing what they want. I’d prefer it if people explicitly stated what they wanted and expected. That people didn’t state what they wanted and then got angry when I didn’t deliver was confounding. Other people are better at knowing what’s expected of them. Not me.

I’ve always liked bossy women telling me what to do. (Everyone else can take a flying leap—I’m not a doormat.) But a take-charge sort of woman; intelligent and confident…older…Yes, I will do your bidding. Please allow me to, it would be an honour and a privilege.

In terms of what draws me to the bondage and masochistic parts? The accoutrements are sexy. I love leather things. There’s more to it than that, of course, but that’s how it started. I saw something—a flogger—and thought, ‘Hey, there, lovely. You should be mine.’ It never occurred to me to hit someone with it—it was a given in my head that I would be on the receiving end. Something about certain implements—even before I explicitly knew I was kinky—set off something in my brain. I couldn’t tell you why.

30 Days of Kink Day 12 The Funny

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I was at a kinky craft event and the organizer said she wouldn’t mind picking up the materials for us for the next event because it was like performing service. She asked us not to tell her vanilla husband about the concept of service, though, or else he might want her to do more around the house.

It's not fun when it's for your vanilla husband. (credit)

It’s not fun when it’s for your vanilla husband. (credit)

I haven’t had any direct experiences and if this prompt wants laugh-out-loud funny aspects I can’t think of any, though there is one thing that strikes me as hilarious in an ironic way.

There are people in the community who think their way of practising kink is the correct way and everyone else is weird. I’m sorry, but at the weekend you were bound to a sawhorse with barbed wire and coated in applesauce, which was then heated with tiny blowtorches by people in Hazmat suits. All while Mongolian throat-singing records were blaring in the background. And you’re judging? I find it laughable that anyone in this lifestyle doesn’t see the retina-burning irony of them shaming anyone for doing anything when they’ve no doubt been shamed themselves.

It reminds me of the Christians who talk about being persecuted all the while persecuting other people to within an inch of their lives. If you know what it’s like why do it to others?

My policy is: Whatever toasts your kinky crumpet, baby.*



*This policy applies to consenting adults only.

30 Days of Kink Day 11: Ethics

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

When I first read this prompt I didn’t understand the question. So I looked at answers other people gave to see if anyone else had a better idea thinking that perhaps I was missing something. Others were as confused as I was so at least I wasn’t alone.

There were two entries that particularly stood out, though. One was from Confessions of a Rope Slut, where she defined the word ethics and said she thought practising BDSM was ethical because consent from all parties was required.

The other was from The Joy of Kink, where the author, Michael Samadhi, ponders the point of the question then wonders if it’s because people in the vanilla world think kink is inherently unethical. I recommend reading his entire post, but I really loved this bit:

Except we spend an inordinate amount of time discussing ethics in the world of kink.  Ethics are discussed at munches and in discussion groups. Ethics are discussed at outings, retreats, trysts, carnivals, and every other imaginable gathering under the sun.

We have ethics.  And we want the world to know it too!  As I’ve mentioned before, that’s why we have mottoes like Safe, Sane, and Consensual, and Risk Aware Kink.  They really aren’t so much competing philosophies, as they are competing slogans, designed to show the world that despite having unusual hobbies and predilections, we are not the bogey men and bogey women of modern day life.  There’s no need to call out the townspeople, nothing even remotely edgy going on over here.

We're all *thiiiiis* innocent.

We’re all *thiiiiis* innocent. (credit)

It was that quote that helped me work out what was confusing about the question. I have nothing to add to the conversation about the ethics of kink because it’s discussed constantly. And that’s good! If you have someone else’s life and psyche in your hands (or are allowing someone else to take yours in theirs) then you should all be consenting and aware of the risks, depending on your acronym of choice. But it’s not as though kinky people lack ethics or the language to discuss them.