Category Archive: Essays

Aug 26 2017

Gynecologist Appointments and Sexual Assault

[CW: sexual assault] I’ve had six pap smears and one colposcopy. Seven times speculums have been introduced into my body. The colposcopy (which is to test for HPV after an abnormal smear result) was done under anaesthetic, due to the pain involved during regular exams. So I can remember six glorious experiences. Only one of …

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Aug 23 2017

A Solution for All Your Unsolicited Peen Woes

In episode 56 of my show I mentioned a writer and comedian named Sarah Benincasa. She wrote a book called Real Artists Have Day Jobs. Awhile back on Instagram she posted a photo of her entry on WikiFeet, which is an open source wiki for images of celebrities’ feet. A couple people were appalled and …

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Jul 10 2017

Anxiety, Indecision and the Looming Spectre of Death

[CW: suicide, depression] I’ve taken a break from all the work I haven’t been doing to write this, in the hope it’ll help get some of it out of my system. This post has a little to do with kink, tangentially, but if you’re looking for something hot and sexy, it’s not going to be …

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Jun 18 2017

The Things We Wish For: A Cautionary Tale

At eleven pm last night, as I was finally settling down in my too hot bed (because they don’t really do A/C in England), after being awake thirty-two hours (because I have a terrible time sleeping) there began fireworks. On a June 17… It wasn’t a long display, but immediately after, live music kicked off. …

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Jun 15 2017

All the Smaller For It: Kink as Orientation & Nonsexual Kink

Sarah McDonald Kinky Nerd

All the Smaller For It a.k.a. Everyone Doesn’t Have to Experience Relationships the Way You Do This week hasn’t been so swift, as my Mother likes to say when she doesn’t feel good. ‘I don’t feel so swift.’ I started Monday morning being compared to a rapist and pedophile for being kinky. Here’s what happened. …

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Jun 06 2017

Sexual Health and Kink

STDs/STIs and What They Don’t Tell You I have HPV—it’s something I’ve written about before a few times. From the responses I’ve received and the news in general and information that’s just out there about STDs and STIs…people really don’t know much about HPV. My first writing, had some incorrect information because I was freaked …

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May 12 2017

Joan Ferguson is Not the Domme You’re Looking For

[Disclaimers: This post is about Joan Ferguson from Wentworth (or Wentworth Prison), not the character from the original show Prisoner: Cell Block H. This post has spoilers up through series five. I owe a great deal to Joan Ferguson (and the actress who plays the role so well), as she’s helped me realise some of …

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Apr 28 2017

Washing up and the Digital Economy Bill

The Digital Economy Bill has become law. This is Bad News with a capital What. The. Fuck. Even with the way the news has been going in the previous, oh, eleven months :cough:Brexitkickedthisshitoff:cough:, THIS still ranks up there in poorly-thought-out ‘WHY, though?!’ legislative decisions. {This post is being clattered out in a rush when I’m …

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Apr 27 2017

An Ode to the People Who Read Your Bio Before Messaging You

You know, rather than just looking at your photo and sending: Hi. Or. hello Or. Being a guy and telling me all about what sort of interests they have in kink and D/s when I’m a lesbian and it says so in my profile. You could have saved us both time by looking at the …

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Apr 12 2017

Naked People Make Me Fall Asleep

Why the Asexual Is Thinking About You Naked Not long ago I met a photographer who processes photography in old-timey ways—daguerrotypes, rather than Polaroids. (His name is Nicolas Laborie and his work is pretty neato.) Nicolas is interested in gender and how people present themselves and so on so we had a thought-provoking chat and …

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Mar 01 2017

The Roles We Are: Complexity in Kink Identities

My submission towards a certain sort of woman has been present since I was twelve or so—by that, I mean the desire to make life a bit easier by doing chores and errands and so on for women I admire and respect has been present since that time. Once I had the words ‘submissive’, ‘Dominant’ …

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Feb 15 2017

Coming in Through the Library

Coming in Through the Library: The Three Ways to Discover Kink, Two Ways to Experience Life & How They Intersect I often compare kink to Narnia, where, at first glance, it appears to be a wardrobe full of leather, rubber and latex, but if you push through, there’s an entire world of wonders you couldn’t …

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Feb 01 2017

Projecting Your Kink

There is a particular behaviour that I’ve witnessed—and experienced myself—in the kink scene online. It may happen out in the analogue world, too, but I don’t spend much time out there at play parties or dungeons so I can’t speak to that. From what I’ve experienced, it primarily happens from male-socialised individuals (MSI) towards female-presenting …

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Jan 18 2017

Outing: The Nuclear Option

Outing is the second worst thing you can do to a person as a kinky individual. The first is consent violation. Outing someone is a consent violation in its own right. What dragged this to the forefront of my mind and put a big spotlight on it was someone who knew of the show invited …

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Jan 11 2017

Hyenas: The Ultimate Kink Mascot

It’s generally accepted that the honey badger is nature’s BAMF. It can take a licking and keep on ticking. It straight up does not give af. I will not be disputing that in this article. But I would like to propose the female hyena as the mascot for several marginalised groups. FemDom (and the submissive …

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Nov 06 2016

50 Shades of BS: What the Media Gets Wrong about Kink

[A slightly different/condensed version of this piece is in episode 28 of my podcast. The episode covers the best portrayals of kink in film and some of the worst, as well as this writing.] [Secondary note: I use ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ rather than saying ‘top/D-type’ ‘bottom/s-type’ every time. Substitute the title most applicable to you.] …

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Aug 07 2016

Collective Nouns for Kinksters

What do you call a group of kinksters? A munch? I’ve been thinking about collective nouns in the animal kingdom (names of groups of animals) and how it might be applied to kinky people. Some terms describe physical groups of things like a herd of antelope, a band of coyotes or a gang of turkeys. …

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Jun 09 2016

Discovering My Inner Victorian

Power exchange is the most important aspect of kink for me. I’ve known this from the start. But trying to work out what type of power exchange I was looking for had me fairly baffled. Then I read Paradigms of Power, which is a collection of essays about various styles of power exchange edited by …

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Jun 05 2016

Making Myself Believe It: Rage Like a Living Thing

[Trigger Warning: Rape, Molestation] I’ve written about having HPV before. Twice. Once about being baffled by the diagnosis and another about working out it was from an unconsensual experience twenty years ago. And then I was done. I’m a Stoic (head nod to my guy Marcus Aurelius, sup, Marco!) and I was just going to …

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May 12 2016

When Your Sexuality Is About Other People

[Disclaimer: this writing is not about all heterosexual women. Nay, it is not even about the majority of heterosexual women. It is, however, about a very specific group of hetero (and a very few bi) women who exist. If you read this piece and you would not behave this way, then, clearly, it is not …

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