There’s a trend that’s got right on my tits. A sex positive (or kink-positive) company or feminist person is out there, being sex positive and repping the community and saying some good things and just being great.
And you share some stuff of theirs online—on social media.
Then someone says, ‘Oh, didn’t you know, that person is an abuser.’ ‘That person is transphobic as hell.’ ‘That company has some toxic views on women.’ Uh… it’s a sex toy company… ‘Yup, owned by someone with some GROSS views on women.’
I’m not referring to any one person right now because I was thinking about certain people and companies when writing this piece for the podcast and in the ten days between then and adapting it to post, other things have happened. Both in the vanilla world–where people with a long history of feminism have behaved in misogynistic ways–and in the sex positive industry, where a sex toy company reacted entirely the wrong way to being gently corrected on someone’s gender.
It’s something that happens so regularly that if I used names in this piece, future readers would think, ‘Wow, since then we’ve had the news about [whomever] being a massive disappointment in three weeks’/six months’/two years’ time.’
This is the sort of thing that becomes dated fast. And that is fucking depressing.
Now when some new human arrives on the general scene of life–be they celebrity of any calibre or politician I just wait until they say or do something terrible.
Other people go right into fangirl/guy mode, swooning away. And I’m in the corner, squinting. Suspicious as hell.
There’s the saying, ‘All your favs are problematic.’
But they shouldn’t be. Perhaps we shouldn’t idolize trash humans. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic here, but asking people to not be giant, spicy assholes shouldn’t be an imposition.
And it’s not just out in the world of vanilla people with their fuzzy consent and rampant rape culture. Every week it’s some other company or person within the kink or sex community who’s being gross. And forget the general population. After fifty-three percent of white women voted for someone who bragged about sexual assault I knew exactly who I could trust on feminist issues. (Not most white women.)
My life, professionally and socially, resides in the realm of sex and kink education and entertainment so I don’t have to deal with the unenlighted vanilla masses most of the time. Yet, still, some ideas from the wider world make their way in and just ruin my good time.
Yes, humans are judgmental dickweasels, as a group, but the sex and kink positive community should be more aware and accepting of wacky things like consent, identity, gender issues and all the things that come up surrounding bodily autonomy and individual freedom. I expect more from my team. You want your group to be better.
Long term experience has made me not trust anyone.
Them: ‘Hi! I’m new to the sex positive community!’
Me: :squints: ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Them: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘Something’s wrong with you. State your malfunction, please. Racism? Homophobia? Whorephobia? Kinkphobia? Do you use your place in the community to abuse people then gaslight them? What? Eventually we’ll all find out just… out with it. Save us all the time and disappointment.’
You can’t live your life that way, though—not ever trusting anyone. So for me it’s about long-term actions. Because people can write some beautiful words for a significant period of time and turn out to be turds of the highest calibre. Four Star Turds. Turds with security clearance.
Don’t tell me you’re a safe person—if you’re actually a safe person that will become apparent over a period of time. If my instant, unwavering trust is more important than my genuine peace of mind and intellectual connection then that’s a warning sign for me. Why do you need to convince me of your goodness? Just let me see it over time. And if I don’t see it then that’s my loss. I’m just being a distrustful meanie poohead and you’re an innocent in all of this. Take that knowledge and be on your way. Be mad at all the people I couldn’t trust who turned me into such a jerkface.
I don’t get what’s so difficult about letting other people live their lives. People of colour, people of all genders and orientations, sex workers, people with kinks that aren’t yours, whatever. These are all things that have nothing to do with your life. If you leave any of these groups of people alone, they’re going to say, ‘We’d like equal rights,’ but they’re also just going to go about living their own lives, minding their own business.
Hatred of any of these groups is like seeing someone walking down the street and walking over and going,
‘Hey! Your simple existence makes me unhappy!’
Which is your problem, not theirs, until you make it theirs.
The hater is the disruptive one. The thing they hate about the other people is immutable. You can’t legislate away … any of it. Even sex work. Still gonna be there. Making it illegal just makes it more dangerous and puts women at risk.
Why do you give a shit what other people do?
Speaking of what other people do—these cheesedicks who use their place in the community to abuse people. What they do does harm others and so they can be chucked off a pier with a concrete helmet on. It harms the community, it harms the individuals involved and it sets the precedent that that sort of behaviour will be tolerated or even condoned.
It shouldn’t be tolerated or condoned. You know better. We know better.
Stop being Four Star Turds.
[This originally appeared in an abbreviated format in episode 63 of The Pageist podcast.]