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Jan 11 2017

Hyenas: The Ultimate Kink Mascot

It’s generally accepted that the honey badger is nature’s BAMF. It can take a licking and keep on ticking. It straight up does not give af.

I will not be disputing that in this article.

Really. You’re amazing. No arguments. (source)

But I would like to propose the female hyena as the mascot for several marginalised groups. FemDom (and the submissive males who love it), enthusiastic consent, and trans and gender non-conforming people.

One at a time.

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for FemDom Enthusiasts

Female hyenas have three-times the testosterone of the males. So the society is matriarchal because those ladies will mess someone up if they don’t behave. Due to this, the males act submissively towards the females. They bow and rub their faces on their forelegs to show submission. And they back away when departing the female’s presence, rather than turning around.

One does not turn one’s back on the Queen.

When a male would like to mate with a female, he waits until she’s dozing, then waves his forelegs near her face so she can smell him and decide if she’s interested.

It’s just easier if she’s a little sleep-drunk. You know, rather than bench-pressing Water Buffalo at the gym.

So.

Hyenas are an excellent mascot for FemDommes and the submissive males who love them.

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for Trans and Gender Non-Conforming Individuals

Possibly due to all the testosterone, females have a faux-penis. It’s around seven inches or 17.8 centimetres long.

When greeting other hyenas they haven’t seen in awhile, both sexes develop erections, which really saves the males having to ask one another, ‘Do you think she likes me?’

In order to mate, the male has to insert his erect penis into the female’s flaccid penis.

:tips hat and nods: Ma’am. (source)

This is possible due to the female drawing hers into herself, where it becomes a vagina and allows for penetration. Try doing that with no thumbs.

Now, the bad news… What goes in must come out. These ladies also give birth through their faux-penises. I’ll give you a few seconds to stop screaming and cringing.

During pregnancy, the skin of the penis becomes thinner and more elastic to allow birth, but, it’s still a relatively small tube, so suffocation during childbirth is not uncommon.

The first birth involves tearing part of the skin of the dick, leaving a line of scar tissue along the underside. For this reason, it’s easy to tell if a female has given birth.

How much of a badass do you have to be to give birth through your vaginadick?

Female hyenas are excellent mascots for trans and gender-nonconforming people.

‘I’m a female, but I can do stuff with my junk you can’t imagine. And if you have a problem with that, I’ll destroy you. Because I’m far stronger than you.’

I’d really like to see someone try to pass a bathroom law on these ladies.

[I don’t mean to equate being trans or gender non-conforming solely with genitals—it’s more about the idea that to be female is to only be one thing—like there’s only one correct way—which includes being submissive. You can be a woman and be in charge of everything. You can be a woman and have a dick, too, if you want. If you want to have a vagina, you can do that, too. Whatever works for you, whenever it works for you.

At the same time—an enlarged clit/dick due to testosterone and turning a penis inside out to make a vag is pretty much what humans do when choosing gender alignment. Hyenas don’t need to jump through legal or medical hoops so they’ve got us beat there.]

Hyenas Are the Perfect Mascots for Enthusiastic Consent

When the female of a species is far stronger than the male and she has to draw her faux-penis inside herself in order to create a vagina before allowing intercourse… that’s about the most blatant example of enthusiastic consent I can think of.

You are not getting anywhere near that unless she is good and ready, sonny jim.

(Fair dues—if I had to give birth through a very thin tube I’d be highly selective and violent about defending my choices, too.)

There’s probably nil whining from Good Guy hyenas, either, about how the ladies ‘owe’ them sex. Rape culture isn’t a thing when the people who give birth are in charge of their own bodies.

I propose a toast to hyenas—truly majestic creatures, who have us beat in so very many ways. Let us learn from them.

From a safe distance.

[This writing also appeared on Medium. If you are a member there and you enjoyed it, please give it some love.]

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[We’re working on a shop for the site and will be running a contest for a design pertaining to hyenas and either FemDom, enthusiastic consent and/or trans/gender non-conforming people. The winner’s design will go on merch for the site and they will get one item of apparel with their design on, as well as the rss link for Patreon supporters.

People will be able to submit more than one design. I want to avoid, ‘Hyenas are my spirit animal,’ as cultural appropriation isn’t cool, but other ideas are welcome. The winner will also retain ownership of the design.

Walter and I are working on our own ideas for this concept but I want to see what my listeners come up with.

I’m not sure exactly when that contest will begin, as the shop isn’t populated with our other designs yet, but stay tuned for that announcement in future episodes of the podcast and on various social media accounts.]

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