Today a Twitter friend posted a great tweet that was about how sometimes we use helping people do what they need/want to as a way of avoiding improving our own lives.
She was referring to herself, but it was exactly what I needed to see to admit something I half knew but didn’t want to admit to myself.
I’ve been using this site and podcast as a way to avoid growing in my own submission or getting out there and exploring more, even though I want to.
The point of The Pageist (both site and podcast) are to help people know they’re not alone and to find and accept their true selves. I can’t think of anything more important. You can’t improve the world if you hate yourself for who you are. Realising I was kinky helped me immensely and I wanted to put that back out there. It saved my life and I only wish I had made the connection sooner.
This feels like a calling—a thing I would have never thought I’d have and words usually applied to doctors or firefighters. (I’m not comparing myself to those people—I just didn’t realise it was possible to be compelled to help people in a way that wasn’t…sanctioned by society. That’s a topic for another essay, though.)
All the Things
I’ve not had a purpose in life before—I’ve had depression, anxiety and ennui in abundance, however—but an actual desire to do something is like being able to see a new colour spectrum and wanting to look at everything. Now I want to do everything at once. In the rush to catch up and accomplish something with my life—to help all the people and make all the difference—for the 38 years I wasn’t doing those things, I’ve let basic self-care and a focus on my own submission slide.
Until a few months ago I had been doing exercises in a couple workbooks for s-types* and working on my submissive resume. I was learning so much about myself and what I wanted/needed. Some of which was surprising. You can think you know yourself, but upon reflection and contemplation will find surprises. Some pleasant, some not so much.
Then other people seemed more important.
This is classic problem for service-oriented submissives, I suppose.
But I’m of no use to anyone if I’m burnt out, which is one thing that happens when you’re trying to do everything.
I try to live by the motto: Be the sort of submissive your ideal Dominant would want to own.
My ideal Dominant would want me to be constantly growing in my submission. She would want me to be honest if I had too much on my plate and needed to rearrange my schedule or take a break.
Working on the show and site includes learning a great deal—I feel like I’m enrolled in one of those create-your-own-degree courses some hippie universities offer. But it doesn’t include growing in my submission.
How is this avoidance behaviour? Well, I dislike change and I’m terrified of failure. Going to events would disrupt my schedule, of which I am quite fond and which makes me feel safe. And looking for a D/s relationship… what if I suck at it? What if I’m am abject failure as a submissive?
(Cognitively, I know this is who I’ve been since I was twelve, at least, and any decent Dominant isn’t going to expect perfection the first day, but I will. That doesn’t matter when your brain is used to telling you you’re a failure at everything you do.)
What if I can’t find someone who wants the type of D/s relationship I do?
Welcome to reality—and you can’t know until you look. What if you found what you wanted. Ponder that, Miss Always-Expects-to-Be-Disappointed.
So I’ve been pushing myself to do all the things while telling myself I’m ‘helping other people’ (true) and ‘getting a business off the ground’ (trying, hopefully true) and it’s normal for that to require an ‘unholy amount of work’ (true). And we don’t have the funds for me to go to events (true, but writing prompts don’t require money). So ‘it’s fine if I allow my own personal goals to suffer’ (brain, we need to have a talk).
Anyway, I’m taking a week off to figure out a new schedule so I can do the things I want for the site/show while still making time for personal growth. There’s a way to do it—I just haven’t made the time to sit and work it out.
The podcast will return next Thursday with a review of The Academy by Laura Antoniou then the site will be back on schedule with all sorts of reviews of various types of media, as described here.
If you’re a fan of the The Pageist and would like to show your support, this page has suggestions for free and non-free options.
Thank you so much for reading/listening,