My Dad Wrote a Porno (the Book)

It's a physical book now. Like actual literature. (source)

It’s a physical book now. Like actual literature. (source)

 

[This is the text of the book review from episode 29 of the podcast.]

This episode’s book is My Dad Wrote a Porno: The Fully Annotated Edition of Belinda Blinked 1 by Jamie Morton, James Cooper, Alice Levine & Rocky Flintstone.

It’s a book based on a podcast that was started because Jamie Morton’s sixty-year-old father, upon retiring, decided to take up writing erotica. (My review of the podcast is here.)

Jamie opted to read this erotic literature around his kitchen table—one chapter at a time—with two of his closest friends (James Cooper and Alice Levine) who provide commentary and comic relief.

Because it reads like someone who took up writing for the first time at sixty.

It’s. Hilarious.

But. The book isn’t just their commentary transcribed—it has some of that, which is great, because I can hear their voices in my head and they were a riot. Belinda Blinked is on the right side of the page and the commentary, as well as notes about literary allusions, definitions, talking points and cultural context are on the left side.

Like So.

Like So.

The book also includes book club questions, a porn name generator, a drinking game and a quiz. And, oh, so much more.

I received a 37 on the quiz. Which I am quite pleased with. If you get 40 or above it says: Genius. Belinda would shag you to congratulate you.

And I don’t want that. It’s also not really saying much, as she shags everyone.

One of the reading group discussion points is:

Has anyone ever got your name wrong in the same way that Flintstone mistakes Bella for ‘Donna’? How did it make you feel?

There’s a character named Bella for the entirety of the book, except for about two lines, where she suddenly becomes Donna for some reason. To that question I say yes—Rocky Flintstone himself called me Julie for who knows why when thanking me for my review of the podcast. It made me feel like a star. You’re not a real person until Flintstone has called you by the wrong name.

Reviewing the book Belinda Blinked 1 is… impossible, as it’s not really a book. It’s a loose idea of a reason to have a woman having sex with a variety of people. She has sex with five people in one day at one point and in the physical book I’m reviewing for you now they asked Flintstone about it and he said:

When you’re an author it’s great to be lost in your own web of intrigue, plot development and unique simile assessment. So you can see how simple it is to lose track of time and sexual activity. I hadn’t actually realized I’d written that Belinda had had sex with five people in a day by the end of this chapter.

You know who I love? Rocky Flintstone.

Another one of his priceless bits of advice is:

Creating a great sex scene is all about the words: without the right words, such as ‘cervix’ and ‘vulva’, a good erotic writer would be nowhere.

I could not agree more with…most of that sentence. The correct words are so incredibly important. Otherwise… nothing doing.

They’ve just finished airing the second season with Belinda Blinked 2—it’s on iTunes—and they said that by the time they’d finished recording the first one he’d already written four books. They only record one chapter a week and at thirteen chapters for the first book… Well. Stephen King would be impressed.

But, Stephen King is Rocky’s favourite author. So there you go.

One of the additions are party game suggestions or things like asking people in groups to try to make ‘quiet gasps of admiration’ like a character did at the sight of someone’s cleavage.

So give that a go–it’s more difficult than you think.

Rocky, apparently, has four children. Three daughters and a son. He, however, has a very tenuous understanding of the female reproductive system and regularly has people either grabbing or flexing or penetrating a cervix. At one point—I think it was in the first series, Alice pulled the podcast over and had a brief conversation about how things are laid out in there. In the second series they had an actual doctor on to explain a thing or two. We’ll see if that makes any difference.

Perhaps Alice finally had enough after a character used a dildo to hit another character’s ovaries during sex.

The comment was:

No. It. Didn’t. You’re going left and right, you’re turning corners. Suddenly she’s just one big pinball machine.

There’s a line diagram of the reproductive system where babies incubate that show exactly why you can’t just grab a cervix. And… most of the other nonsense going on.

NO. NAY. NEIN. NYET.

NO. NAY. NEIN. NYET.

Some of the book is even more amusing in print due to Rocky’s idiosyncratic use of punctuation. The man does love a semicolon.

The man can create characters, though. I will give him that. Plot is overrated, right? But these characters. Thus far—in the two books—he’s had a Duchess and a Countess. I have a thing for older women so these are right off going to be the most interesting to me. Even the male characters, though… Where does he get these people from?

In the first book we have the Duchess. I pictured her as Helen Mirren, though she’s older than the character is described. Rocky is obsessed with nipples. Here’s a short passage of Belinda with the Duchess for your enlightenment:

Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs off the Duchesses ankles. The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Her nipples hardened with the feeling of freedom and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together. Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet, she needed to touch them, caress them and finally suck them. The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires.

Okay. One. All of the handcuffs in this book are plastic. What. Two. Three inch rivets are 7.5 centimeters. Also, there’s a to-scale diagram of a typical breast-to-nipple ratio and a Titanic rivet, which made my entire day.

Day. Made.

Day. Made.

Three. The phrase, ‘Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet’ was accompanied by the comment: ‘I’m imaging Belinda slamming into her nipples with force’ which is kinda how I feel about a lovely nipple, it’s one of the few things I understand about the woman. Four. In the book, one of the comments added by the authors ‘improved’ the text thusly:

Belinda was drawn to them like a magnet, she needed to touch them, caress them, tighten them with a spanner.

Five. And this is the key one. That final sentence: The Duchess stood still as Belinda fulfilled her desires.

That’s actually hot. Something sexy happened in this book. I don’t know how. But an older woman standing still while a younger woman has a go on her breasts… Damn you, Rocky.

The Duchess also made Belinda use the handle of her riding crop as a dildo. That was… you know… all right.

That character reminded me a bit of Anna Chancellor’s character in Tipping the Velvet, which, if you haven’t seen it, you so should. Anna Chancellor described her character as a ‘dominatrix sex bitch’. Which pretty much sums it up.

Moving on.

A few of the comments from our intrepid authors of the meta book lead me to think they are a bit vanilla. Yet they don’t view handcuffs as being kinky. The riding crop the Duchess uses, though, that’s kinky. And Rocky certainly explores other fetishes like voyeurism. Our man enjoys leather things. So. Methinks he’s kinkier than the meta-book authors.

For example, there’s a phrase that’s been circled by the gang, which is ‘a happy sex servant to you!’ with the comment scribbled beneath: This is a beautiful greetings card. Not. And I think: I know many people who’d like this card, actually. Expand your minds, guys.

My only criticism—more advice for a, perhaps, deluxe version, would be to have Alice saying ‘Why are we here?’ when opening the book, like the start of the early episodes of the show, which I still maintain is the best opening to any show ever.

I don’t know if I would recommend this to someone who hasn’t listened to the show, as I feel like you’d be missing a lot—it’d still be funny, I’m sure. Now I want to give it to someone who hasn’t heard the podcast and see what they think. If you’re a fan of the show it’s definitely worth it. It’s a 5/5 for fans.

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