BDSM Play Party Etiquette with Myintimia

Myintimia had an unpleasant experience recently at a play party (though this could have happened at a dungeon, as well) with someone unfamiliar with scene etiquette. She’s turned it into an excellent post that everyone new to the lifestyle could benefit from.

Dear Stranger at the “Play Party”

When you walk up to me in the middle of a scene and start asking questions, you might as well be opening my bedroom door while I’m completely naked, to sit down on my pillow to ask; “How does it feel?”

You’re expecting me to say delicious or sharp or like a warm hug. But how it feels is invasive. It’s (sort of) not your fault, no one told you the rules. But it’s also not my responsibility to school you on proper play etiquette when my gloved hands are full of blood and my poor girl is trying hard to maintain her head space while you ask if you can be next.

As a community I think we’ve forgotten how not to take each other for granted. Not everything is a demo. Not everyone is up for negotiating a scene with someone they just met. Not every toy is meant to be shared. I know you’re new and eager but don’t be greedy. It takes time to get here. It takes keeping a respectful distance from two people sharing not only bodily fluids but an intense emotional connection. It takes waiting until the scene is over and the parties have moved away from the space they shared (both physically and emotionally) before you move in to ask questions.

(Because I welcome your questions and your curiosity. Afterwards. I welcome thoughtful discourse either in person or via a well worded and correctly punctuated message sent. Afterwards.)

I know everyone else is drinking. I know everyone else is yelling fourteen octaves above normal speaking volume. I know it’s hard to hear yourself above the sex sounds at every angle. And I know that that sort of environment suggests or infers a certain type of behaviour may be acceptable. But it isn’t. This wasn’t labeled “drunken orgy” (because if it had been I would have been responsible enough not to attend – not my thing), it was labeled “play party”. A play party suggests and infers that a certain type of behaviour is expected – at very least – in the dedicated Dungeon space.

You are entirely responsible for your behaviour. Educate yourself.

You might tell me that I should just stay home if I don’t like it. Well, I have been staying home. For years now. If you want to learn from experienced, knowledgeable, and safe players who value the connection that BDSM brings to their relationships, then learn how to create a space that we feel welcome in. Because I would welcome you into that space, if it were available to me. And understand, too, that I want to share it with you so that you can see what’s possible – what this lifestyle has to offer aside from mere fun and debauchery. There are plenty of environments where fun and debauchery are welcome and encouraged. Context is everything.

I know you wouldn’t purposefully desecrate a sacred space. A Dungeon space is a sanctuary. The one place the bare and bloody bones of what connects me and mine can be expressed. Understand that that is important to me.

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