This week’s mentor post focuses on something we instinctively know but may not put into words well. That dominance isn’t about shouting or calling attention to how incredible you are.
If you have to tell others that you are [nice/trustworthy/dominant] it means you aren’t confident in your ability to demonstrate those qualities with your actions. You’re probably trying to convince yourself of whatever you’re saying about yourself.
The original post is here.
Did you know you don’t have to be an asshole to be dominant?
I work with this guy named Bob (if you’re thinking “this isn’t going anywhere good”, you’re damn right). Bob is a newer manager who I have strong feelings on. Let’s get this out of the way: you fucking hate this guy. I don’t even need to know you to know that. If we wanted to create world peace by first all coming together on one issue, it would be hating this guy.
There are so many reasons why he’s worth being the most hated person in existence. But nonetheless, someone decided to sell him a suit and allow him a place to make decisions and the world’s only been a worse place for it.
One day, I made a decision Bob didn’t understand. So instead of coming into my office to ask about it like some semblance of a normal person, he called a meeting in the conference room. Just for me and him to sit at a big table (Bob LOVES being at the big table). I walked in, he opened his notepad and clicked his pen like a proper asshole and started talking and taking notes. Probably on himself. At some point I stopped him to clarify his confusion, and he started yelling not to interrupt him. This meeting didn’t last long. He continued, and all but stood up, unzipped his pants, laid his dick out on the table and said, “LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT HOW BIG IT IS”. I responded with the professional equivalent of, “motherfucker, we’re lateral in position and I have no obligation to entertain this” and left.
This is what we call shitty leadership. And I can’t think of a single person who doesn’t detest a shitty leader.
The thing about Bob is, there are a lot of Bobs in this world. The guy with the raised pickup and shitty exhaust driving around in northern New Jersey like he’s ever put anything in the back other than his friend’s mattress when he helped him move…is Bob. Your Facebook friend who flexes in mirrors for selfies and posts their crossfit reps/weights…is Bob. And a lot of the dom(mes) on fetlife… are also definitely, definitely Bob.
We don’t have a lot of models for dominance that are kinky, and we have a lot of shitty ones. So it’s no surprise that some people on here feel the need to call everyone they talk to into a conference room to have a casual conversation or have a fit if their projected power is challenged. It’s insecure or misguided leadership. Here’s the thing: a few people might be impressed, some might tolerate it because they really want to bottom, and the rest of the world thinks you’re an asshole.
Be cool. Just be yourself. People recognize powerful people.
A short list of things you can do as a dominant: cry. Have feelings. Want to please your partner. Bottom. Have a sense of humor. Have a sense of humor about yourself. Admit you don’t know a skill. Admit you’re new and learning. Be polite. Be warm. Adore your submissive(s) and love them fiercely. Apologize. Ask for help. Need the support of others. Listen. Not fucking feel like being dominant sometimes. Not have to always project dominance to everyone always. Not ask people who aren’t your submissive to call you by a title (highly recommended).
I think the most dominant thing I’ve ever done to date has been to do whatever I want and not give a shit about upholding some projection of dominance. That’s dominant because it’s authentic and willful (and honestly, completely self-serving).
Whatever your style is, don’t fucking make your model of dominance Bob. We all know when you’re not swinging a whip or have your dick in someone, you’re a multifaceted person. You don’t need to have a fit over yourself to convince everyone you’re the bossiest boss.
*note- Pros, I get why you have to uphold a certain image and create personal boundaries. I’m so not knocking the hustle.