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May 12 2016

When Your Sexuality Is About Other People

[Disclaimer: this writing is not about all heterosexual women. Nay, it is not even about the majority of heterosexual women. It is, however, about a very specific group of hetero (and a very few bi) women who exist. If you read this piece and you would not behave this way, then, clearly, it is not about you.]

Reactions to Your Weird-Ass Sexuality

Being a lesbian is often a joke. To other people. Men often find it hilarious or sexy. (Thanks. I exist to enhance your life and die on your TV shows. Please keep your comments to yourself. I assure you, I’ve heard all of them roughly 9,000 times before.)

To the men who get that lesbians are not here for your amusement nor are we men with boobs: You are super-duper-awesome. You probably shouldn’t get props for simply being decent people, but such is the world we live in. Have some props.

Heterosexual women have a variety of reactions. Some of the ‘positive’ ones (that aren’t actual acceptance—thank you to those) are things like: ‘I wish I could be gay. Men are jerks.’ Yeah, it’s a blast. We just got marriage rights last year and I was genuinely surprised it happened in my lifetime.

Or they tell you about that one girl they thought was hot in college, which is completely the same thing as being rejected by your family.

And ‘Wow. If your period’s late you never have to worry you’re pregnant.’ Yup. Totally worth being treated like a trophy by men and women. [Read on]

Not so positive responses include:

The aghast. ‘Don’t make a pass at me!’ Well, gee, I wasn’t interested until the scent of scorching homophobia wafted around you like a Death Eater cloak. Now I want to jump you like whoa.

Or they tell you how much they like dick. Like, so much. ‘I could never be with a girl because I like dick sooooo much. Strictly dickly, you know!’ I get it. Good lord. I’m not going to do anything to you. Relax.

But then there’s this other group of women. The one’s that say, ‘Eh. Never really been into girls…’

Then you become ‘that one girl’ they thought was hot.

Something happens in the minds of these women. I don’t know what it is. Some sort of insanity takes over.

You become Lesbian Neo. You are the One.

You see, they’ve never wanted sex with another woman before. So this is their chance. The Entitlement takes hold. It’s almost as though you owe it to them. As solidarity to the sisterhood.

There is no one so aggressive as a straight woman who wants to sleep with the Lesbian Neo in her life.

The hormones coming off of these women are so strong they make everything around them wavey like hot asphalt.

Why This is Confusing

What gets me about it is that these are straight women—you know, the people who most deal with dudes. They must know what it feels like to have someone not listen when they say, ‘Yeah, I like you as a friend, but not really that way.’

[Sidebar: There’s a misconception that lesbians hate men, but no one hates men more than people who have to deal with them intimately. You want to hear some man-bashing? Listen to women who have asked a guy to pick up his socks for the 800th time and been ignored.]

I say something must happen in their brains because this has happened with women I’ve been friends with and have had rational conversations with about why I’m not interested and they’ve continued to try to talk me into sleeping with them.

Again, something they must have experience with with guys. They must know what it feels like to have a guy just want them for sex. Somehow, because we’re both women it’s…different? [See next section for more on this.]

I mean, if a guy said, ‘You’re the only brunette I’ve ever been attracted to, you have to have sex with me.’ They’d be pissed. But I’m supposed to be flattered because I’m one step closer to a toaster oven.

Of course, I wouldn’t be allowed to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t want anyone to think they were gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, they just aren’t so they wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Oddly, if I slept with a guy once it would only make me bi, but if a straight woman slept with another woman once people would think she was gay. How does that work? This was the fear some had.

Theories

Perhaps women think it’s different because sex between women isn’t ‘real sex’?

Perhaps they think lesbians will go for no strings attached sex because we’re like men and a lot of guys would probably be all for it. Which would explain the most popular DEFCON 1 tactic [see next section].

[I’ve known men who think I’m just a guy with boobs so they think it’s a huge turn on to be able to objectify the hell out of women in front of me. ‘Uh, no, there, guy. I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking. Wow.’]

Perhaps it has something to do with the way society views non-hetero sex as novel and therefore anyone practicing it must be open to being asked intimate questions at any time. Minorities of any type are often viewed as teachers by the majority and are expected to be cheerfully willing to answer invasive questions. Perhaps this is an extension of that.

Tactics [DEFCON 1]

We’ve had conversations. They’ve exhausted their arguments. Perhaps they’ve ‘accidentally’ had porn playing when I’ve arrived (is that supposed to get me in the mood?)

I’ve assumed I’ve made myself clear and (because they’re women and know what it’s like to be pressured are finally fine with being friends). We’ve hung out and gone to movies and had dinners and just done the friend thing like it was before they decided my pants were really boring on my body.

When suddenly. All her clothes fall off.

Once, I was at a friend’s house and she went into the bathroom to change and forgot to put her clothes back on before coming back out.

Another time, a friend answered the door naked. ‘I was just getting dressed!’ She cheerfully exclaimed, before bouncing off.

You know, grabbing a robe on the way to the door wouldn’t have been difficult. And your bedroom is upstairs.

The third time this happened I laughed out loud. (I do not recommend doing this to a naked woman.)

I wasn’t laughing at her. I was laughing at the absurdity of the situation. It was an ‘again?!’ laugh.

It makes sense—these are straight women—who were all quite attractive. That would probably work with a straight guy.

Woman: Look, I only want to have sex with you. No strings.
Guy: I don’t really want to.
Woman: My clothes just fell off.
Guy: Well…

Here’s a newsflash: Lesbians aren’t men. (Though that may work with some women. I don’t speak for all of the gay ladies.)

The People Who Really Confuse Me

Okay. Friends I can get. I have red hair and women like that. I’m funny. Women like that. I’m smart. Women like that.

It took me a long time to get enough self esteem up to get it, but I do now. I get why someone who knows me would be like, ‘You’re swell. I would like to do things with you I’ve never done with another woman.’

It’s sort of a compliment. In a way. Up until they don’t stop asking and don’t listen when I say no. That’s just a lack of respect. And only want to have sex and not date. Really? I’m funny enough to fuck but not date? Cheers.

It’s when random acquaintances ask for the sex that I don’t get it.

The first experience of this was in high school when a person who was absolutely dreadful to me (and who spread all sorts of delightful rumors when she found out I was gay) then asked a mutual friend if I would be up for a threeway with her and her boyfriend.

Uh. No.

This goes back to the ‘minorities are here for your amusement’ theory. I was the only lesbian she knew. She wanted a threeway. ‘Hey! I know! I’ll ask her! Who cares that I’ve been terrible to her since we were fourteen! She won’t care—she’s not even a real person, right?!’

I’ve been out of the dating scene for ten years, but when I recently opened an OKCupid account—even though I explicitly stated I was looking for a Mistress or D-type…the responses I received were from married women. Yeah, funtimes are ahead.

Lesbians are not bisexual.

And bisexuals are not here to fulfill your threeway fantasy. (I do not speak for bisexuals—please correct me if I’m wrong, but this is what I understand from listening to them.)

Not All Lesbians

Not all lesbians will turn down straight female friends looking for their girl-on-girl experience. I was speaking with a friend of mine who slept with a hetero friend of hers but offered the friend the caveat: ‘You’re not really getting the full experience because we’re not in love with each other.’ I love that she offered a disclaimer so she knew lesbian sex was usually better than that.

So, ladies, if you are attracted to your lesbian friend, I’m not saying don’t ask, I’m saying, don’t press the point if she says no.

A Question for the Readers

If a friend of your preferred gender, but to whom you were not attracted, said that you were the first person they had ever been attracted to of your gender, would you sleep with that person?

What about an acquaintance?

For example: If you’re a straight woman—a gay man approaches you.
If you’re a gay man—a straight man approaches you.
Lesbians, how have you handled the straight women who only want sex?
Straight guys, gee, if a lesbian only wanted to try sex with a guy, want would you do? And how many billboards would you take out afterwards?

Bisexuals: so you’re not left out, if you had a dollar/a pound for every time you’d been invited into a threesome without being asked if you were attracted to either party first, how many islands could you buy?

[I would also like to add that this post makes me sound like a total Shane from The L Word. I assure you I have not been converting the straight ladies all over the place. It’s simply a bizarre little phenomenon I wanted to share with my readers for humor’s sake. I have many straight friends who are perfectly decent people.]

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