I first heard about Happy Playtime in 2013 when Mike Krahulik from Penny Arcade advocated for it and was torn to shreds because it taught only women who had vulvas how to masturbate. Not all women had vulvas and not all vulva-owners were women. This was problematic (I agree). Therefore, some people thought the app shouldn’t exist.
I disagree. Many, many people have vulvas and are taught their parts are gross and dirty and shouldn’t be touched and their pleasure isn’t important. So anything that will teach them how to get pleasure from those parts is a step in the right direction.
I vaguely recall looking at some information about the app and thinking, ‘That is one girly looking vulva.’
Since it’s International Masturbation Month, and vulva-owners are still taught their parts are gross and their pleasure is unimportant, I thought I’d have another look at the app.
Guess what, though?
iTunes doesn’t carry it. Because it’s dirty. It has apps to help you break your porn and masturbation addictions, which aren’t even things. Apps about masturbation in that sense are just fine.
That’s okay, though, because you can still play the game in your browser…sort of. Stay with me.
On my touchpad it was impossible. She wasn’t recognizing that I was touching her at all.
With a wireless mouse I had marginally better results but I still couldn’t make her ‘happy’.
I tried my husband’s touchscreen computer. Success! I made her happy in a few seconds (it was like the first time you use a vibrator and are like: WHOA!) but the goal is to make her happy as many times as possible in 60 seconds and the second time around isn’t exactly the same at the first. Points for accuracy, there.
Then it was onto my smartphone. When you play the game on the web it puts it in the top left corner of your screen in a rectangular shape, so I figured it would fill a smartphone screen.
You can see how well you’re doing by watching the ‘love meter’ at the bottom of the screen, which goes from 100% (the big O) down to -1. I’ve earned the -1 a few times.
After the first time I got a happy out of Happy, I couldn’t figure out what to do so I wound up furiously rubbing my finger up and down. That worked. I got two orgasms out of her and earned a porn powerup.
There are different powerups, apparently, though I could only ever earn the porn one, which was hilarious. (Eventually I found out the other two are ‘lube’ and ‘vibrator’. Though I don’t know what effect they have on game play.)
The porn powerup stops your love meter from dropping, but when you tap it, the ‘porn’ that played was a dancing cartoon posterior with the word BUTTS! and a heart. It made me laugh every time and now I use it as an exclamation around the house for no reason.
Yes, I know, I shouldn’t look at it like a chore to ‘play’ with a pussy.
But it’s a chore to play with this pussy.
If you fail to make her happy once in sixty seconds she says she’s not in the mood and to go away. She shuts down. Literally shuts down and turns blue like ice. She is cold now, because you are bad at touching her. Well, you know what? She gives you no feedback. Pillow princess.
I want to advance in the game.
I found myself rubbing hood, labia and clit in all varieties of fashion and shouting at the screen, ‘WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!’
Which is not unlike what trying to work real vulvas can be like, at times. They’re knocking it out of the park on accuracy.
If your device isn’t connected to the internet you can’t make Happy happy. For several minutes I thought I was truly terrible and it turned out my wifi had just gone off.
This wouldn’t be an awful tool for teaching guys about vulvas. There’s definitions and anatomy lessons, as well as instructions. Not to mention the gamifying.
Of course, there’s the entire, ‘This pussy comes more than once in sixty seconds’ thing. And that’s not happening unless your name is Hitachi.
At a certain point I wanted to just give her a vibrator. ‘Look, honey, maybe you’re one of those that can’t get off without vibration. That’s okay. You just need to know that about yourself. Let’s go shopping together.’
It would be nice if the app was 1. available on the app store and 2. customizable by individual people. Like, if you couldn’t stand direct stimulation you’d tell it to never suggest that and if you loved circles you’d have that high on the list of moves. Then give it to your clueless partner to practice during breaks at work.
The timer would be much longer, though, and include softer touches other places, too.
Walter was next to me as I was on my phone, savagely trying to make this bizarrely cheerful vulva orgasm, shouting about how she was too damn fickle yet uncommunicative, and, after laughing hysterically at my failure to please, had to try it so he got on his touchscreen (the one I’d desecrated earlier).
He loved the ‘BUTTS!’ too. I could tell every time he used the powerup because he’d laugh.
I never thought I’d rage-quit a game about orgasms, but there you go.
That said, I’d probably purchase it and play it more on my phone if it was an actual app and saved progress, as (I hope) it would be better designed for mobile devices.
As you can see from the video, even on a mobile device, the web version still isn’t behaving like an app. It seemed to work best on a laptop with a touchscreen.
When I went to make the video to show just how fickle she was being, wouldn’t you know, suddenly she was easy-peasy to please.
It was then I unlocked the second lesson in the game…and discovered the web app won’t allow you to scroll to read all of the lessons on a smart phone, only on a computer with a mouse or page up/down buttons. Keep in mind a mouse or trackpad won’t actually please Happy.
So the ideal way to play this ‘game’ is on a touchscreen laptop. But your arm will probably get tired. Again with the accuracy.
After we finished recording the video I continued to play to see if I could unlock more lessons, powerups or moves—I could not. She returned to being difficult to please. Apparently, she’s an exhibitionist.
If you decide to give Happy Playtime a go, please let me know what you thought and how far you got.
Here’s some extra information about the lady wanking from the people who make the app.