Teeny Weenies — My First Weenies

Last month one of my favorite sex toy reviewers, Hey Epiphora, reviewed tiny dildos, which are apparently a thing that many dildo companies make as promotional items. They’re really small. Smaller than your pinky. They can’t possibly be used for… purposes.

It was an April Fools Joke of a review, but she actually did all the things she writes about and it’s hilarious.

So, since then, I’ve been fascinated by these little … things.

So pretty! So tiny! So useless! Gimmee! (source)

So pretty! So tiny! So useless! Gimmee! (source)

I don’t know why. I have problems. They have zero function. I just know I want to collect them.

So she had an offer on her site where you could get some for free from She-Vibe if you placed an order over $75 and used the code WEENIE.


I went over to see if there was anything on the site I wanted–if not I wouldn’t get anything–but they had the Pocket Dungeon (to be reviewed here later) and it was on sale. Usually it’s $125 and they had it for $79.

I’ve read reviews that said it was a good kit but pricey, so I thought this was a good deal (and I would get to start my collection of teeny weenies).

So… photos.

The Teeny Weenies came in a lovely little baggie with a sticker.

Teeny Weenies in bag

This is a pack from Vamp.

My first Weenies!

Teeny Weenies in hand

They’re like marbles. Each is unique.

Epiphora lists hers thusly:

My “tinies” from Tantus come in two shapes, modeled after their classic Goliath and newer Uncut #1. They’re cast in Tantus’ standard semi-firm silicone in a variety of flashy colors.

Bad Dragon’s Teenie Weenies are the softest and most detailed. I have a tiny Fenrir the Wolfdragon, Nova the Breeder, Moko the Liger, and a Crackers the Cockatrice in a really cool bluish grey with gold sparkles.

I also own a mini Patchy Paul from Fun Factory, the tallest of the tiny dildos at 2.75″. Purple and worm-like, it seems to be hiding a dark secret in its devious smile. WHAT DOES IT KNOW? What has it seen?

The tiny dildos from Vamp, called “weenies,” are more simplistic in their design. They’re flat on the back, almost as if they were designed for display rather than insertion, and shaped like exaggerated cartoonish versions of penises. Unlike the others, they are not modeled after any of the typically-sized dildos the company makes — which is a bit of a marketing fail if you ask me. Tiny dildos should cause a yearning for their larger doppelgangers, but these do not. Nor do they cause a yearning for flesh-and-blood dicks. (Although, to be fair, not much makes me crave those.)

Sing it, sister.

I’m an asexual lesbian. It makes NO SENSE that I should be so enamored with these things. And yet, here we are.

I don’t make the rules, people. I just report the facts.

My current favorite is the purple and white swirly one. I wouldn’t trade that one in a teeny peen trade.

Which is totally a thing that should exist.

I love them. Once they arrived I took photos and shared them with my online friends and we discussed display options.

I like the way they look in the bowl above, but, being silicone, they attract dust and fluff out of nowhere and that’s just gross.

In Epiphora’s review she has some in a glass of water and that’s very pretty, but you’d need it in front of a window so the light could shine through and there’s no place in my hovel that would work.

Bean recommended a shadow box. Not a bad idea but more work than I was willing to put in and I wouldn’t know where to put the boxes.

Then a friend said a Ball jar would be perfect. Also known as a Mason jar or a canning jar.

Cackling, I grabbed my weenies and ran into the kitchen.

Teeny Weenies in Jar 01

The illustrious Bean is in the background, there, on the other side of the jar. Say hi!

Fittingly, the person who recommended the Ball jar solution was the person who’d sent me the jar in the first place (with jam in it). He was pleased with his contribution.

These little things are fascinating. Both my husband and Bean (and myself, obviously) spent time really examining them and squishing them and just generally being absorbed by their mere existence.

One asexual man and two lesbians. Just captivated by little dicks. We were showing one another various features of whatever one we happen to be looking at.

I found putting two back-to-back (since the ones I have are flat) make them a good size to fit in your palm to squeeze like a stress toy.

From now on, when I order anything from a dildo manufacturer I’m going to ask if they have any and if I may purchase or have a couple.

The Bad Dragon people sell five random ones at a time (the link is above in the Epiphora quote) and I shall be acquiring some of those at some point.

Do you have any teeny peens? If so, wanna trade? The purple swirly isn’t on the block, but I might let the other two go for a good offer.


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