Medicinal Masturbation

I’ve written before about how I have HPV and how I’m an asexual lesbian.

In order to keep an eye on the cells on my cervix, I’ll be having a pap smear every six months for the next year and a half to three years. (70% of cases clear on their own in a year and 90% clear in three years.)

Being that nothing other than the ladies’ hygiene products are usually in my no-no zone, pap smears are a tremendous joy for me. I often get light-headed and nauseated.

Maybe I should take my little squeaky Spooky with me on my next visit. (source)

Maybe I should take my little squeaky Spooky with me on my next visit. (source)

But if this is going to be a very regular thing I have to deal with then I’ve decided I’m going to instate some masturbation for medicinal purposes.

Now, I know that sounds like those people in old movies when they talk about ‘medicinal’ brandy, but I genuinely don’t grope myself very frequently and, though I have the accoutrements for this project, they’re employed even less frequently.

I don’t know what to say. I’m simply not interested in myself that way. I’d really rather sit down with myself and read a book or write a story than put the moves on. If I am feeling a bit frisky, I just want to use my little vibrator and go to sleep. That happens every other or every third month.

Have I ever mentioned kink is not about sex for me?

But pap smears are horrible. Nothing should be that unpleasant. So I’m just going to view it the way the Victorians did female hysteria. (One of my all-time favorite nonsense diseases.)

There’s a fairly amusing film (called Hysteria) that covers some of the historical background. Victorian women were out of sorts because of womanly problems and they just needed to be ‘manipulated’ (jerked off) by doctors. It’s how vibrators were invented. Vibrators used to be terrifying, by the way.

Their husbands could have saved themselves some money by paying more attention in the bedroom, is what I’m thinking.

[Or so I thought until I started doing research for this post. Everything I know is a lie!]

Another film I enjoy that touches on masturbation (heh heh) is The Road to Wellville. The book is far better, but the movie is fun. And it’s based on real events.

As I’ve been working on this project of mine I’ve learned that it’s more difficult to put a condom on an uncircumcised dildo than it is on a circumcised one. I made a video about it.

Of course, doing it in the bright living room with dry hands was easy. Try doing it in the dark with lube everywhere. Sheesh.

Fiddling with myself on the regular isn’t the worst thing to have to do, but I’m going to have to schedule it in, because otherwise I just won’t do it. Then after my next doctor’s appointment in September they’ll be bringing me soft drinks and a snack so I don’t pass out. Again.

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