BDSM is all about communication.
Okay, so, it’s not all about that, but the best time will happen between people who are honest with themselves and one another about what they want, how they want it and who they want it with.
AccidentalFlirt is going to break it down for us today about just why all of that’s important.
Be Honest About Your Kink
IWannaPlayWithYou: I read your profile and I would very much be interested in seeing if we could get to know each other with a view to play…
I tootle off to check his profile and notice that approximately 90% of his groups and fetishes he is into involve one thing: humiliation and degradation.
And this guy supposedly read my profile in which I clearly state humiliation as a hard limit.
Me: Thank you for your interest. I see you are heavily into humiliation and that is an absolute hard limit for me, so we would not be compatible. Good luck in your search.
And that should be that. Or so I thought.
IWannaPlayWithYou: Humiliation is only one of my kinks. I can live without it.
Er… excuse my presumption, but if 40 out of your 50 kinks include the words “humiliation,” “degradation,” or “verbal abuse” I am going to assume that it is a big deal for you.
Or if your username is IWantPiss, I am going to assume that piss play is something you cannot live without.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t care that you got your rocks off by hurling abuse at women or wanting to shower them with gold… if that’s what they’re into. But by telling me that you can live without it, when your profile is peppered with multiple mentions of a particular kink, I am hearing one of two things:
1. You are after an easy lay and telling me what you think I want to hear
2. You are hoping that you will be able to convince me to “push my limits.”
Either way, I will never ever be comfortable playing with you, even if you promise not to indulge in your favourite kink. I will always be waiting for that pressure cooker of need to explode in a stream of degrading insults that will leave me in a messy puddle of insecurity, self-doubt and mistrust.
It works the other way too.
You tell me that you are not really into impact play, but “I’ll do it for you if you like it.” Nope, that isn’t going to work for me. This thing that we do is all about mutual enjoyment, it’s supposed to be fun, so if you’re going to give my ass a half-hearted spank, I’m only going to get half-hearted enjoyment. If I feel that someone is doing me a favour and indulging me in one of my kinks, I won’t get anything out of it. I am just not wired that way.
One of the great things about this site is the sheer number of kinks you can add to your profile. No matter how obscure your kink… maybe you are into drinking unicorn pee so you can shit rainbows… whatever it is, chances are there is a group, a thread, a discussion and probably a few members with “unicornpee” in their username.
Whatever your brand of pervery, you’ve probably got a fair few kinky compadres who share your deviances.
So don’t lie about your kinks. Don’t pretend to be something you are not, or not to be something that you are just because some random profile photo gave you a hard-on.
If you are into humiliation, pee play or erotic asphyxiation, then we won’t be compatible as play partners.
By the same token if you are not into orgasm control, hair pulling and spanking we ain’t gonna be playing.
We can’t all be compatible in our kinks, and that’s okay. That’s the beauty of the diversity of the kink scene. It’s okay to say “sorry, but I don’t think we want the same things.” You may not have found a new play partner, but you never know, you may just have made another kinky friend.