I LOVE me some checklists. Spreadsheets, graphs, to do lists, color-coded, alphabetized and regularly updated… what were we talking about?
I could probably do a scene just about negotiation.
But I get that not everyone is into (or needs) DEFCON 1 level strategy planning for every scene. So here is a checklist (or not-a-typical-checklist) by Tornus.
Here’s a first stab at creating the tool that I’ve been looking for but haven’t found. It’s primarily meant for bottoms, and is doubtless more than a little idiosyncratic. Hopefully you’ll find it to be of some use.
This isn’t meant to be a checklist: don’t go down the page putting 1s and 4s and NOs next to each line, or circling things in red and green ink. Rather, look at this as a collection of ideas that may be useful to you in understanding yourself, or that you may want your partner to know about you.
Rather than giving your partner a filled-in version of this list, consider giving them a short list of the sentences that most resonated for you. And, obviously, feel free to add / modify sentences as you see fit.
What I want from this play session
- I just want a fun play session.
- I want to connect with you.
- I want to try something new to see if I like it.
- I want to do something once, to say I’ve done it.
- I want to learn / practice a new skill.
- I’m looking for catharsis.
- This scene will be a success for me if…
- Fundamentally, I want you to do what I want.
- It’s important to me that you do what you want without worrying about what I like.
- I’m nervous about…
What I want between us
- We play, then we’re done.
- I’m looking for an occasional / ongoing play partner.
- I’m looking for a relationship.
- I’m secretly auditioning you as a play partner / lover.
When we’re done
- I’ll see you later.
- Let’s snuggle and chat.
- I want to spend the night.
- Pamper me.
- I want to express my gratitude by…
- Call / text / email me the next day.
How you treat me
- I want you to be loving / rough / gentle / angry / mocking / strict / demanding with me.
- I like it when you call me slut and whore, but don’t call me bitch or cunt.
- I want you to praise me. Tell me I’m beautiful / strong / sexy.
- Make me earn your approval.
- I need you to be always confident and in control.
- I need to see your human side.
- Treat me like your equal.
- Keep me guessing and off balance.
- Don’t play games with me.
What happens in my head
- I want to feel beautiful / exposed / vulnerable / safe / competent / in control / loved / sexy / desired / powerful / afraid / overwhelmed / …
- I want to stay present and in control.
- I want to not have to be in control for a while.
- When play gets intense, I can become non-verbal. When that happens, I need…
- I sometimes get triggered by… You can recognize it by… When it happens, I need…
- I do / don’t want to know what’s coming next.
- I want to prove how tough I am.
- Hurt me.
- Hurt me until I cry / scream / beg for mercy.
- You’ll know I’ve had enough when I…
- I want pain that is predictable and manageable.
- I only want certain kinds of pain: …
- I do / don’t want pain during sex.
- I want our play to be fun but let’s keep our distance.
- I want our play to feel intimate.
- I want to cuddle / kiss / make out.
- I want to get to know you as a person.
- I want you to touch me in intimate but non-sexual ways.
- I like it when you stroke my hair, kiss my forehead, …
- I want our play to have sexual energy, but I don’t want to have sex.
- I want to have sex.
- I might want to have sex in future, but not this time.
- It’s important to me that I have an orgasm.
- It’s important to me that you have an orgasm.
- In order to reach orgasm, I need a vibrator / to have my legs straight / to go inside my own head / …
- After I have an orgasm, I want more orgasms / a quiet cuddle / to serve you / hard fucking / …
- I’m embarrassed about having an orgasm in front of you.
- It can be hard for me to reach orgasm. I need you to keep at it until I come.
- It can be hard for me to reach orgasm. Don’t pressure me to come.
- I likely won’t have an orgasm, and that’s OK.
Dominance and submission
- I want you to dominate me.
- I want to submit to you voluntarily.
- Force me to submit to you.
- Tell me what to do with your words / by force.
- I want to be a brat / a good boy / a slave.
- I want you to be strict and demanding / loving / a supportive coach.
- I want a clear start and finish to our d/s.
- I want an ongoing d/s connection with you.
- I do / don’t want our d/s to be strictly limited to our play time.
- Put a collar / leash on me.
How you feel about me
- I want you to love / value / need me.
- I want you to be proud of me.
- I want to feel safe / owned / used / exposed / vulnerable with you.
- I want to be your slut / toy / pet / prized possession.
Punishment and training
- Punish me for something I did in real life.
- Punish me for something make believe.
- I want to work for your approval, knowing that I only get it if I succeed.
- I want to work for your approval, secure in the knowledge that I will succeed.
- Train me!
- Your disapproval / disappointment would be painful and damaging to me.
- Punish me, but don’t…
- Be fair with me.
Consensual non-consent / rape play
- Rape play isn’t sexy to me: don’t go there.
- “Rape” me.
- Use real / make-believe force.
- I want to fight you and have a chance of winning.
- I want to fight you, but I want to lose eventually.
- I want to feel physically overwhelmed by you.
Daddy / little girl
- Eww, no. Seriously, not for me.
- Be my loving / strict / mean / bad / indulgent / protective daddy.
- My little girl persona is… years old.
- When I’m a little girl, I need / want…
Humiliation / degradation / objectification / shame
- Humiliate me for wanting it.
- Show me how hard / wet I am.
- I want to be mocked / teased / taunted.
- Break me.
- Break me and then put me back together again.
- Humiliate me, but don’t call me fat / ugly / worthless / stupid.
- Make me ask / beg for what I want.