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Nov 05 2015

Being Asexual and Kinky

What I Mean When I Say She’s Hot (Being Asexual and Kinky)

Recently, I updated my FetLife profile and added this:

I’m an asexual lesbian married to my best friend, whom I love dearly and who is a man. He is asexual, as well, and one of the best people I know. He knows I’m kinky and is 100% supportive.

I wasn’t planning on sharing this information here, as I tend to catch grief about it (I’m not a unicorn—people have met me in person and can attest I do indeed exist), and prefer to explain how I feel as I get to know people. But in case someone does decide to read my profile: I am not interested in sex as a thing to do with another person. It’s an interesting concept intellectually. I’ve read a lot about it. I write about it sometimes, but I’ve never cared to do it myself.

Dominant women are hot, though.

I should probably write a blog post explaining what I mean when I say that.

So this is that blog post.

I’ve always been fascinated by sex. Anything that’s considered taboo is going to get a curious person’s attention and in my house sex was taboo. And little readers are going to read about it. So I read a lot and learned a lot.

But I wasn’t interested in doing it.

I thought women were lovely to look at. Particularly older, intelligent, confident women. It was a very specific type. And I wanted to do her bidding. I wanted her to tell me what to do. (Dear lord, a confident woman bossing me around…)

Errand-running, fetching and carrying, general secretarial work. Yes and please and how else might I assist you, ma’am?

A woman in a suit. Can I get an ‘Amen’? Skirt, slacks, or a tux. Testify and go tell it on the mountaintop.

Still, I had no desire to see those women naked or do anything to those naked parts.

People are just more interesting looking to me with clothes on. They don’t have to be dressed like Nanook of the North—I love me some fetish wear—nudity is just kinda… meh.

Though I do appreciate a nice nipple.

Though I do appreciate a nice nipple. (Seriously. I tried searching for a human nipple but wanted to finish this post tonight.) (source)

(Seriously. I tried searching for a lovely human nipple and got distracted. I wanted to finish this post tonight.) (source)

There are different types of attraction. Romantic, sexual, intellectual, emotional, aesthetic. Vanilla people have those.

Then, when you get kinky with it, there’s power exchange, pain stuff and kinky things, oh my. If someone is good with a flogger, do you need to be romantically attracted to them? Or in a power exchange? For some people yes, for others, no.

Most people equate romantic attraction with sexual attraction, but for me, thinking someone is swell has nothing to do with touching their genitals. And I’ve known sexual people who can outright despise a person but find them sexually attractive. I find that fascinating. For me, no matter how interesting I find a person, if it turns out they hold particular views (being racist or transphobic, for example) I instantly lose all interest. It just evaporates. No more errand-running for you, no matter what you look like in a suit or how much command presence you possess.

Then I go 'whoosh' right away from you. (source)

Then I go ‘whoosh’ right away from you. (source)

It took me a long time to realise I was kinky because, though I’d read about pageists under the masochism heading in Richard von Krafft-Ebing’s Psychopathia Sexualis they were non-sexual like me, and kinky people are portrayed as being highly sexual in our media.

And it is a very sexual way to be. There’s a sexual energy there, even when sex isn’t being done. (It’s something you do. You don’t have it, like a garden gnome or a Lionel train set.)

The gnomes... they know what you do with your naughty bits. (source)

The gnomes… they know what you do with your naughty bits. (source)

It’s difficult to be what I am (a pageist) in a vanilla world, because when you want to do errands for another woman they think you want something from them. Generally sex. Because everyone wants the sex.

No, see, the service is the sex for me. All you have to do is be genuinely grateful and give me more chores to do.

This caused no end of pain growing up because I wasn’t like other people in many ways. Let’s enumerate them, shall we?

1. Lesbian (not common or popular in my conservative, religious area).

2. Not interested in sex (you’d think this was a plus being one of the dreaded Gays, but it just makes a person feel more isolated, as the other gay people you meet do want sex).

3. Possessing a ‘You must be over 50 to ride this ride’ sign. (Wasn’t I supposed to be swooning over the hot chicks? I wanted to date Helen Mirren. Well, I wanted her to pat me on the butt and tell me to get her a coffee. Same difference.)

I was just sitting over in the corner with my books and my music. Speaking of. My favourite musical artists from age 12 to 19? Bette Midler and Barbra Streisand. All the other girls? New Kids on the Block and … whomever else was popular. I can’t recall; I try not to think about that time of my life.

My peers LOVED me, is what I’m saying.

When I attempted to befriend them it only frightened them more. (source)

When I attempted to befriend them it only frightened them more. (source)

It was only after working out the entire being kinky thing that I realised I could have a power exchange with a (what I now see would be a Dominant) woman taking over certain parts of my life (what I wore and ate and such) as well as doing certain types of bondage and pain things like spankings and floggings. Prior to that I’d fantasized about being of vital importance to two women—the one at home who’d be kind and nurturing and run my life and give me cuddles—and the one at work who’d tell me what to do and bend me over the desk and spank me. (This was before Secretary came out, but that film made my life.)

Being brought up in a culture where violence is a threat that nice people never commit meant the gentle, nurturing sort of Dominant I would want would never strike someone they love. The concept of both the spanky funtimes and the life-coach, enforced bedtimes being administered by the same person didn’t enter my head.

B-HAHA. I’m a little late to the game, but I’m catching up quickly. Evil sticks look interesting, by-the-by.

Pictured: Also interesting.

Pictured: Also interesting. Along with 75% of everything else at Leatherbeaten. (source)

I’m not sure how I personally feel about sex in regard to my own kink. I certainly write about it. And I get how other people find BDSM sexy. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, but the idea of submitting sexually in certain ways to a dominant woman I was in some sort of power exchange with has some appeal, though I don’t know if that’s only a fantasy. If the right situation never happens that’s fine. If it does somehow then I’ll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

I still consider myself asexual, though, as asexuality is not having sexual attraction (which is not the same as libido—you can be hungry and not have anything particular in mind to eat). I’m certainly not interested enough to bother pursuing it. I love my life the way it is and would rather hang out with my husband, practising ties or reading than trying to find the person I could be interested in sexually.

If it happens, though, it happens. I’ll keep you informed.

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