A Submissive Rite of Passage; Well, Two, Actually
Some weeks ago someone contacted me through my site and wanted advice about a new stage of their submission. I couldn’t give advice being that I’m new to everything, which I’m open about on my blog. I said as much but that I was happy to befriend this person because they sounded interesting and I want to get to know more kinky people.
Straightaway this person wanted very personal information like my real name, which I allowed myself to be pressured into giving. And pictures, which I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t have pictures of myself. When I didn’t provide photos this person understood if I had self esteem issues, was unattractive or was overweight, etc. And they were all right with that, kind individual that they were.
[I simply don’t care to be photographed and don’t generally go places where there’s a reason to break out a camera. I’m a little older than the selfie culture where it’s typical to take a photo of yourself for no reason. I’m not saying it’s bad to do that, I’m just saying, for someone over a certain age, you need a reason to take a photo other than ‘This is what I look like today.’ It simply doesn’t occur to some of us to take a photo of something unless we want to remember it forever—like a trip or a special dinner or something of that nature. I think it’s because we used to pay to have film developed and it was expensive.]
Pardon my digression. Back to the story. This person didn’t get photos of me.
But, if I didn’t respond to emails every day, they complained—we ‘met’ online very shortly before I went on a trip and I said I would be away for several days—packing, being on holiday, then unpacking and recovering from all the extroversion. They said they understood, but still, complained about me never being around.
It takes me a long time to open up to people emotionally and I don’t generally give a great deal of myself away in conversation straight off. People usually enjoy talking about themselves so I’ve found a successful tactic has been to ask people questions about themselves and they’ll happily talk about their favourite subject (them!) for ages.
This is fine with me, as it takes time for me to want to talk about intimate things and I like learning about other people. It’s usually a win-win.
But that wasn’t going to fly with this person.
I shared what I was comfortable with and because that didn’t match with the way that person saw the world they said I was lying. That they were telling me all sorts of intimate things about their life and I was making ridiculous things up.
That sound there was a record scratch.
This person’s life was the sort of situation that would make any vanilla person’s brain crawl out of their ears and form itself into an actual question mark over their head. But my life sounded like a lie.
I was incensed by this accusation, as I’m incapable of lying even when it would make my life easier, but also because I’ve gone through seriously traumatic experiences just trying to live my life in a way that’s true to myself.
First, I tried explaining things and once this person realised they’d misunderstood something or other, they’d backtrack and say they meant something else.
Then they’d say they enjoyed the lies I was telling them anyway, as they were amusing.
I finally lost it with this individual and sent a couple of incredibly snarky emails, which were greeted with phrase, ‘You don’t seem like a submissive.’
Now, some people are bothered when a stranger tells them this. One person I told this story to said she cried the first time someone said that to her.
But I knew it was going to happen, because it happens to everyone. So for me it was more of: Person who knows nothing about you says you’re not submissive. LEVEL UP! +1000 POINTS I felt like I was really part of the community.
This stellar addition to the community helped me to level up twice, actually.
The second Rite of Passage I …passed through was having my lifestyle judged by someone else in the lifestyle. I’ve seen it and knew it happened, but it was the first time it happened to me since coming out as kinky. (All my vanilla friends have been amazingly supportive—how ironic the first person to judge me was a kinky one.)
I do not understand this.
Stand. (I know it’s one word, but I’m breaking it up)
You’re being judged all day, every day by society.
You could lose your homes, families, jobs, whatever, and you judge someone?
I didn’t ‘get’ this person’s life, but I figured that, as time passed and we got to know one another, I would grow to understand it and that (and this is the big part) it didn’t matter if I understood the dynamic, only that this person was happy and the dynamic answered something within them.
Because I get that different people live different lives and you can’t know what goes on in someone else’s head or heart. You can’t know what goes on between two (or more) people. It’s not for you to decide what makes another person happy.
After losing my temper I told the person not to contact me again, but of course they did—they just had to get one more snide comment in. Saying it was my fault for not telling them my life story right from the beginning.
Humans deserve respect without having to be told every awful thing that’s happened to them. Most people don’t need another person’s life history before they decide the person they’re talking to is a real, actual person with real, actual feelings.
They also told me I was an unpleasant person. Yeah, that’s how I react after being nice to rude people doesn’t work. I get unpleasant. Maximus Sarcasticus. My friends call the person I become when I finally lose my temper Lady Macbeth. But that’s after some time of dealing with b.s. because I hate confrontation. I don’t like being that way or losing my temper.
Meanwhile, if that person was trying to hurt me or make me feel less of a submissive, it didn’t work.
Instead, I levelled up! Twice! I got 2000 extra points!
(I recommend viewing all negative experiences this way—as experience points. Eventually you level up and can have cake. Or alcohol.)
If Nietzsche were alive today, no doubt he’d say, ‘What does not kill me gives me enough experience points to level up, motherfuckers. You are as dead as God to me.’
[Addendum: I’d finished this piece and was checking for typos when it occurred to me—this person was bossy and rude, pushy and prying the entire time… and they were telling me I didn’t seem submissive?
I’ve been operating under the belief that a person is submissive if they submit to their D-type, but the sort of person who likes to tell others what ‘real’ submission is should exemplify submission itself, correct? And I wouldn’t think a ‘submissive’ would be bossy, rude, pushy and prying. Methinks that person wasn’t very submissive. Tsk tsk.]