Day 4: Any early experience that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
I refer back to yesterday’s post where I went through my early experiences as a way to explain I had been exhibiting signs of kinkyness and subdom long before those dreadful books and film were unleashed on the world to wreak their havoc, which prompted an article that finally activated the light switch in my dim brain so I finally realised what should have been obvious all along.
There is nothing I wish more dearly than that I had paid more attention upon that first reading of Psychopathia Sexualis in 2002. I could have saved myself a lot of pain (gained myself a lot of pain?) and got into the scene thirteen years ago. It was so blazingly obvious. Boy, was I a doofus.
Of course, I read that three years after Dame Helen (again, see yesterday) Dommed my brain into a puddle of submissive goo as the sadistic Mrs Tingle. I’d been teacher’s pet at school (and loved the hell out of it) so that film was pure hormone fuel for me. Jeffrey Tambor played her lover and he snuck into her house and intimated they’d done some kind of kinky…something the previous time they’d got together so I’m guessing she’s got a strap on somewhere. Katie Holmes got to unbutton her pyjama top. Marisa Coughlan got to wrestle with her (and lose, lucky bitch). And Barry Watson got to feed her. I mean, my GOD, they showed this in a cinema where teenagers could watch it. What is the world coming to? Wait… you mean we were supposed to be rooting against her? I don’t understand.
Looking back, I thought I wanted two separate things. I fantasized about living in a happily sexless but romantic relationship with a woman who would be, what I now see, a nurturing Dominant. I’d do chores and she’d set my bedtime and bathe me sometimes and brush my hair and I’d sit at her feet at night and she’d choose my clothes and generally be in charge of me. Then I’d go to work and have a boss to whom I was indispensable and we’d have spankings and kinky sex. She’d run my work life. And I always wanted to be the assistant, never the Head Bitch in Charge (HBIC) as a friend of mine called it.
It never occurred to me a person could have both of those things in one human being. Or that you could even have a person run your life full stop. And I’ve had those two fantasies since I was in my late teens? Early twenties? I’m in my late 30s now so it’s been awhile. Then, as I said yesterday, I came across that article and numbers 2 and 7 talked about how BDSM didn’t have to be about sex or pain—that it can be about one person doing what the other person says all the time. And I realised—that woman I lived with in my mind that I wasn’t having sex with but who ran my life—she was my Dominant. But that person could also enjoy sometimes doing sexy, pain things, too. That could be one person.