30 Days of Kink Day 3: Discovering You’re Kinky

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

I’ve known realized I was submissive to a certain sort of woman since August of 2002 when I read Psychopathia Sexualis, which I’ve written about in my first two essays. Even though my kink (pageism) was under the heading of ‘masochism’ I still didn’t put it together that being dominated emotionally counted as kinky.

I’d purchased both rubber and suede floggers from online sex shops because I liked the way they looked—something about them appealed to me—when I was in my late teens. That’s probably when I got my first set of handcuffs, as well. I didn’t have anyone to use them with and really had no intention to use them anytime soon, I just liked owning them. Something about having them around made me happy.

I’ve also had spanking fantasies since…I genuinely have no idea. I wish I did know.

I went to see Teaching Mrs Tingle in the cinema in 1999–for several years she was my number one celebrity crush; I have since moved on to taller, darker pastures—and Helen Mirren spent a good portion of that film tied to a bed. I rather enjoyed that. Which is sort of interesting, as I’m the one who’d want to be tied to the bed. I have zero interest in tying anyone to anything. In my fantasy at the time I saved Mrs Tingle from her evil student kidnappers and untied her and she was very grateful. But ahem. (She spent the other portion of the film being a stern bitch of a teacher–I couldn’t believe porn was being shown in a regular cinema. I was literally white-knuckling the armrests and glad I was there on my own. I went to see it twice.)

'Oh thank you for saving me. Let's switch places...'

‘Oh thank you for saving me. Let’s switch places…’

I put it all together—the lightbulb went off, so to speak when…this is so embarrassing…oh god…don’t make me say it… I was reading an article about things that you wouldn’t learn about BDSM from 50 Shades of Grey. I’m so ashamed. All the pieces were there for so many years and it wasn’t until that article that it clicked into place.

I hate that that abomination of a phenomenon had anything to do with it even tangentially. At least it was an article informing people of all the things the film and books won’t teach you. I take some comfort in that. Number 6 on the list in that article is how cringe-worthy every shade of grey is.

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