This week’s mentor post comes from LunaLux and addresses the fact that yes, women can violate consent, too.
Having been on the receiving end of consent violations from women and having it disregarded by others as ‘no big deal’ because, as we all know, women aren’t real people and, therefore, aren’t anything to be afraid of, I appreciate this post.
Pay attention, ladies, and I use the term loosely.
Ladies, we need to talk…
Last night, I went to a themed kinky event. My shiny Switch and I decided to go with rubber leggings on and not much else up the top. My entire back was bare, my nipples covered with the obligatory BDSM black cross and not much else stood between my skin and the air.
I was really nervous about going dressed like that. My concern was not around body image, but around the fact that I was going to be inviting a bunch of sleazy men my way, touching me without my consent and acting in all the ways women warn each other about and berate men about. I was part dreading the night because I have had men act in that way to me before in a very vanilla and fully clothed setting, never mind one where I was dressed in a very revealing way. This is what happened:
Not one man touched me inappropriately or approached me with sexy suggestive language. Yes, a few perved at my boobs from a distance, but we all go to these things to perv.
In fact, even all of my male friends were a little wary of even hugging me hello. A few didn’t know where to put their hands and I ended up having a few floaty hand hug moments, with hands hovering a little away from me. Well done boys, you understand consent.
But I was touched up, grabbed, slapped and groped all night.
Not by men, but by women.
Here’s the count.
All of my close lady friends that I have had in my home to both play and share meals with me- they all touched me or my boobs or my arse in some way last night. All of them have previously requested my consent. But each one still checked in with me last night. One slapped me on the butt in a cheeky way when I offered it to her to touch it, but she had my permission to touch me and has had my consent before. She still looked at me afterwards in a way that suggested “Are you still ok with this?” Well done ladies, you understand consent.
One of my lady acquaintances (whom I have only met once) ran her hand down my back which made squirm. She quickly said “I’m sorry, am I allowed?”. I said “Sure”. She did it again, which made me squirm more. She again said “Am I still allowed”. I wasn’t enjoying the sensation but it wasn’t bothering me, so my yes sounded uncertain. She stopped. Well done lady, you understand consent.
Then came all the ladies whom I have met before but have never asked for my consent in any conversation with them:
- 1 grabbed my arse
- 1 slapped my arse
- 1 scratched me
Then, there were the countless women I have never met before who never asked for my consent to touch me even though they have never met me before:
- 2 ran their hands up my leg in the bathroom to touch my rubber. One suggestively right up to my crotch. Neither asked first.
- 1 grabbed my boobs. She did not ask.
- 4 ran their hands down my back
- 1 rubbed my arse
On top of that- one woman repeatedly came over to touch my shiny switch on the arse and back. Every time she walked past she grabbed him. He did not give his consent.
That’s ELEVEN consent violations for my personal body last night and more on the switch. All from women. Let’s roll in the arguments in defence of women I know I am going to get as comments:
- Women aren’t rapey- you can’t feel threatened by women because you aren’t afraid they will rape you. Actually, no. I don’t care that women don’t have cocks. When you enter my personal space with sexual innuendo or kinky intent- you are violating consent. End of story. Also, last year, a young male friend of mine met with a woman for play. He told her he didn’t want to have sex. She had sex with him anyway. Ladies- NO. That IS rape. Women can be rapey.
- Women think it’s ok because they aren’t attracted to you in a sexual way so touching your body is ok because they don’t think of you in that way. Actually, no. I think of women in that way, so when they touch me, it is the same for me as if it were a man touching me.
- Women have their own boobs so it’s ok for them to touch your boobs. Actually no, personal space is still personal space. I don’t see men walking around touching each other’s cocks for fun.
- The women you know were just being playful. Lighten up. Actually, no. Not one of my male friends would think it was just being playful if they touched me, groped me or tried to hurt me without my permission. Not one. And if any did, I am sure all of us would tell him off for it.
Imagine that all of the above incidents happened with men against me last night. Imagine. Just for a second. Yeah, are you imaging the lynch mob yet?
Ladies, I am a feminist. I fight for equality and fairness. Every day. And I am fighting now. For ALL women to obey the rules of consent as equally as we fight for men to obey them. THAT is equality. Same rules, same expectations. How can we create a culture of consent with men if we do not model it for them?
If a man cannot touch me in any of those ways without my permission, then neither should women. THAT is fairness.
Sorry for any typos. I am rushing off to uni with a slight hangover and on 4 hours sleep. Joy to the world. All the boys and girls.