Lesbian Porn for Men vs for Lesbians

Lesbian Porn for Men vs Lesbian Porn for Lesbians: An Annotated List

I’ve seen one or two films of the grown-up persuasion in my time. And I enjoy the ladies who enjoy the ladies, so the majority of those films have been of ladies enjoying other ladies’… ladyparts.

When I first stumbled out into pornland, though, there was just so much of it–and it was all so shameful and dirty—and you had to go into actual physical stores (it was a dark time, kids)—so I’d blindly grab whatever I could get my hands on and run away. I’d consume my little bit of whatever I’d found and usually be partially aroused and partially appalled.

Kids, you'd wade through and take home whatever stuck to you. It was terrible. (credit)

Kids, you’d wade through and take home whatever stuck to you. It was terrible. (credit)

Then the internet arrived (blessed be the gods of perversity! all hail their filthy gifts from on low!) and I learned about the radical concept of lesbian porn made for lesbians, by lesbians. I started watching films made by Girlfriends Films and Sweetheart Video. Those just made me feel tingly in the pants region—without being appalled. (Well, until I started recognising some of the furnishings from one video to the next and realised I should probably take a break.) The films by lesbians were of a very different nature than that with which I had started my porn diet. I knew what lurked out there in the darker waters and lo, I was afraid.

So I stuck with what I knew and kept to the girly waters and all was well.

Very recently I started watching some of the Girlsway offerings. The Business of Women videos are right up my alley. But then I watched another one of theirs and it had several of the THIS WAS MADE FOR MEN signifiers. That started me thinking about the porn I watched early on and the ways porn made for two different audiences (but with the same subject matter can differ).

So here is a (no doubt incomplete) list of differences between lesbian porn for men (LPfM) vs lesbian porn for lesbians (LPfL). (And I mean between only women; no men arrive to ‘assist’ at any point in the proceedings.)

1. And I really cannot stress this one enough: NAILS. I’m at the point now where I turn off ‘lesbian’ porn if one of the women has long nails. It hurts me to look at it. And not good pain. One of my favourite porn actresses is bi and very occasionally will do a lesbian scene with slightly long nails (not Freddy Krueger length, but long enough to hurt) and I’m just, ‘Maggie, Maggie, why do you do this to me?’ (Magdalene St Michaels for those of you playing along at home.)

When some poor woman is being fingered to within an inch of her life by another woman who has two inches of vinyl attached to the ends of her fingers… Oh god. RED! RED! My eyes are tearing up as I type this. I do not consent.

We get it, lady. You're straight. Congratulations. (image from here)

We get it, lady. You’re straight. Congratulations. (image from here)

2. Foreign Objects, use of. Dudes just canNOT believe women don’t want something jammed in them. There’s a hole there (there’re TWO!) shove something in it, dammit! Or else it might seal itself shut, never to be penetrated again! Shove something, anything in there like your very lives depended upon it! Something huge, if you don’t mind.

Guys have to be in the porn even when they’re not in the thing.

There’s a hilarious ‘Lesbians React‘ video of lesbians reacting to ‘lesbian’ porn. We don’t see what they’re watching, but they describe it and, apparently the woman in the film they’re watching eventually has a stiletto heel inserted into her.

Lesbians do not do this. First of all, the vast majority of ladies who like ladies wear more sensible shoes and so wouldn’t even have one around and secondly, no.

Whilst I have not personally seen LPfM with non-sex toys used as dildoes, I’ve never seen a LPfM without a sex toy.

Yes, some women do like penetration. Just like some women don’t like oral sex. And yes, some lesbians like watching one woman with a strap-on riding another like she’s in the home stretch of the Kentucky Derby. (Ahem, this one right here.) But not every single time, men.

I wouldn’t mind there being a bit more of it in LPfL. The two groups need to get together and divvy up the amount of sex toy time so it’s a bit more equal.

'Hey Heather, why don't we go to the farmers' market. They always have really fresh courgettes. And organic is best, you know.'

‘Hey Heather, why don’t we go to the farmers’ market. They always have really fresh courgettes. And organic is best, you know.’

3. Foreign Objects, quality of. This is a weird one. But, in my viewing experience, the sex toys used in LPfM tend to be of higher quality than the ones—when you get to see them—in LPfL. You’d think that since actual lesbians are the ones who’d be using sex toys that on the rare occasion they broke one out for a porn they’d bring something nice. But I get all excited for some strap on action from actual lesbians and then they bring out plastic pinky the wonder winky. Seriously. I don’t know where they find these things, but, again, go talk to the props people for the straight guys.

I’m not asking for some monster thing that makes me think, ‘There is no way that’s going to f… holy hell that fit… That woman is straight. Straight straight straight. And she normally does elephant porn.’ But at least give me something that doesn’t look like it would cease to exist on a visual plane if I glared at it.

And something that doesn’t look like it fell off the back of a truck in Chinatown, while you’re doing me favours. You’d think they’d have nice stuff from Babes in Toyland or Good Vibes rather than what you’d get out of a naughty toy dispenser for spare coinage. Come on, ladies.

To see how it’s done properly, I suggest Kylie Ireland. She works with Girlfriends Films and brings her own gear and yes. This is how you do it.

'What do we need for this scene?' 'Just put in some change and we'll use whatever comes out.'

‘What do we need for this scene?’ ‘Just put in some change and we’ll use whatever comes out.’

4. Dialogue. Having watched gay porn, straight porn and lesbian porn I have scientifically observed an inverse correlation between testosterone and dialogue prior to the viewing of genitals.

Porn written and directed by straight people—no matter the sex of the people having the sex—gives a certain amount of porn-level dialogue and ‘plot’ before the humping kicks off.

Gay porn, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a couple lines to set the scene—mostly you just have to work out the ‘plot’ by what people are wearing and the set. ‘They’re soldiers. Soldiers having sex with each other.’ ‘They’re firemen. Firemen having sex with each other.’ ‘I don’t know what the… The setting is just a bedroom and they weren’t wearing clothes long enough to establish… They’re two dudes having sex with each other.’

Lesbian porn… everyone has a Dickensian back story and they’re all best friends with their exes, unless their ex is crazy (this is true-to-life, though, so props to realism), and each film has to be set up by twenty-five minutes of talking. No joke—I was once forty-five minutes into a Girlfriends Film before I saw a boob. I thought maybe I’d got the wrong film, but I knew who most of the actresses were so I stuck with it. And I must say—their actresses are pretty good. Once the sex got rolling it was even better! I was a little snarky by that point. ‘Oh, you are going to have sex. Bully for you!’

So. More oestrogen = more talking. More testosterone = less talking. Science!

'Maybe they'll stop talking soon and I'll get to see a nipple. That'll be worth the four hour wait.'

‘Maybe they’ll stop talking soon and I’ll get to see a nipple. That’ll be worth the four hour wait.’

5. Noises; Or: Sounds other than dialogue that issue from the mouths of women in porn.

These sounds vary depending on the porn the person is accustomed to performing in. Lesbians in LPfL make sounds people make when having sex—moans and hums that are particular to each woman.

Women in LPfM or who do a lot of crossover work make ‘sexy’ sounds they’ve all learned in a class somewhere.

One that I find especially odd is the intake of breath through the teeth. It’s a sound you’d make if you stubbed a toe on the way to the loo in the middle of the night and didn’t want to shout. If air was being exhaled rather than inhaled you’d say: ‘Shhhh’. At some point someone decided that a woman sucking air through her clenched teeth was sexy so now it’s common with bi/straight female porn performers.

Is it supposed to be a ‘fierce’ thing? ‘I’m so turned on I just can’t ooohhh, you just wait’ [reverse hissing sound]

That’s the thing that prompted this list—the actress in question was making that sound every (no kidding) ten seconds or so. Nope. Couldn’t do it. Turned it off. Because I was turned off.

Another sound you hear a lot is a moan/whine that could be coming from any porn actress out there. It’s the same pitch and notes, I swear. And it’s usually emitted at regular intervals.

Look, I know it’s a fantasy. I’m willing to work with you. All you have to do is not sound like a porn actress. That merely requires not making the exact same sounds every other actress makes. At regular intervals… in exactly the same way.

There could be another explanation. 'And now the mmmmyeah sound every three seconds.'

There could be another explanation.
‘And now the mmmmyeah sound every three seconds.’

6. Spitting. Guess which one it happens in. Guess which one it doesn’t. Spitting is not my kink so it just kinda grosses me out. It’s particularly jarring when it’s supposed to be vanilla sex.

No image available for this entry

No image available for this entry

7. Fake breasts. This isn’t a judgment on people who have breast implants—I’m all about people doing whatever they want with their bodies. This is about the differences between porn for lesbians and porn for dudes. And fake boobies are sort of a straight person thing. Especially the egregious ones. The ones that look painful. My friend Bug said, ‘I can’t get off while I’m busy being concerned about your surgery.’ I tend to start focusing just on body parts. Well, two body parts especially. I start thinking about how un/proportional they are, how un/naturally they sit or hang, what sort of job the surgeon did. There are some really nice boob jobs out there, I admit! And also some… well, I’m just sorry for those girls and I hope the money they’re making is to fix the other jobs.

The point is, I shouldn’t suddenly be focused on aesthetics and wondering if all the women with good breast jobs went to the same place or the one with the unfortunate set just caught the surgeon on a bad day. I should be enjoying the sex. Which is easier to do with natural boobs.

'The breasts themselves are equally proportioned, but they're a bit asymmetrical.'

‘The breasts themselves are equally proportioned, but they’re a bit asymmetrical.’

8. Non-conventional beauty. Even in my beloved Girlfriends and Sweetheart videos the women are pretty high femme. (I don’t know what that makes the average porn woman—stratospheric femme?)You have to look to the Crash Pad series to find a truly impressive assortment of female bodies having all kinds of sex. Aside from Crash Pad, LPfL still employs women that you’d never see in LPfM. (If you’re unfamiliar with Crash Pad, Oh Joy Sex Toy has an excellent review of their services.)

Some of the women in straight lesbian porn can be a little...plastic. (credit)

Some of the women in straight lesbian porn can be a little…plastic. (credit)

9. Shoes. This was pointed out to me by my friend Bean, but she was correct—LPfM lesbians keep their shoes on sometimes—something they never do in LPfL. Which is true. I guess straight girls like wearing murder heels. Unless they’re putting those heels in other women.

'No, no, I'm absolutely comfortable. Let's have sex standing up!' (Kronier Creations)

‘No, no, I’m absolutely comfortable. Let’s have sex standing up!’ (Kronier Creations)

10. Enthusiasm for the V. In LPfM you often see the enthusiasm for the V that ten-year-olds have for the first day of school. ‘Oh yay. This thing I have to do. Joy illimited.’ They then poke it with their tongue: poke, poke, poke like trying to ring a doorbell. It’s so sad. No wonder there’s all the spitting. In LPfL the ladies have the enthusiasm for the V that ten-year-olds have for the last day of school. They’re in there like they’re looking for their lost inheritance. They’re going down on a porn star and it’s the best damn day of their lives. As it should be.

'Girl parts. They are my favourite parts to put my face very close to.'

‘Girl parts. They are my favourite parts to put my face very close to.’

So what do you think? On the mark? Did I miss something?

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