This week’s Mentor post is from FetLife member Brittunculi, who is in a D/s relationship with Innermind. I’ve posted his work before and I’m sure I will do again.
They both write extensively and articulately about their relationship–about how power exchange looks and feels from both sides of the slash–and it’s clear that there is a great deal of love and respect circulating between those two crazy kids.
This particular post of Britt’s took my breath away and I had to share it (with her permission).
This is what is beautiful about power exchange.
Why do you submit to him?
I get asked a lot ‘Why do you submit to him?’ or ‘What makes you submit to him the way you do?’ Well there are many reasons that I chose Innermind to be the one I would submit to, and I didn’t fully submit at first. I’ve slowly grown in my submission and taken time to find him and myself within the context of our relationship. These are the main reasons why I can submit to him the way I do
There are times when we have to look and function as a Vanilla couple. During this time I still need our connection, I can’t just turn it off. In our relationship we can switch to Vanilla mode quite easily, but he still subtly Doms me. We have built a connection where I know a look, or when a question is really a disguised order. I also call him Sir when we are out to show my respect. It works well because it just comes across as a respect thing.
It may seem weird for someone who wants to submit and be owned to also want Freedom, but without this I can’t submit. I know that I’m able to speak freely about matters that concern me. I at no point will be silenced and have my voice removed. I am free to do what I want during the week in my free time. I may have certain protocols that I must fit in, and tasks to complete but I can mostly plan my week as I need to. Even when we are together I have the freedom to let him know I need to do something. This may vary from needing to take a bath or wanting to write, read or draw. I know that if the answer is no it will be for a reason that benefits me, not a reason to suppress me.
I have a business, a child and elderly parents. So there are times when I have to message him to say I will be late for our call. I need him to be flexible at times because I’m not being disobedient I just some days have a lot to try and fit in. We had one protocol that meant I had to send our morning message very early. As one of my businesses is overseas it was difficult when I had to stay up to the early hours working on it. So he was flexible with the rule and altered the time to one that didn’t cause me to have to cut my sleeping hours down. Without flexibility I would be held to a standard I couldn’t manage and would be set up for failure.
I submit to him but this doesn’t mean I deserve or want to be treated like trash. He respects me as a person and whilst what we do may be considered quite unusual to most it is done with a great level of respect. I can safe word with the only repercussion being a hug and talk. When I kneel for him he respects that I may have to shuffle around every so often to stop a limb going numb. When doing things he respects that I have opinions that I would like to share and contribute. I am treated as a human being, not a thing. Even in scenes where I can’t talk he has taken the time to get to know me and respects my needs and limits without me needing to prompt him first.
This is the biggest reason I submit to him. Because we communicate a lot. And it’s not always great communications it may be that we have a problem with each other, but we have the ability and environment where we can have these difficult talks. When we’ve fucked up we’ve communicated. We even communicate about how we can communicate even better. There are no I’m Dom you be silent moments. Even in a scene I can speak and tell him something. I need my voice, and he needs me to have my voice. This in turn makes me respect him a lot. And when you respect and love someone, kneeling at their feet becomes a very natural, easy and fulfilling thing to do.
We didn’t get to where we are overnight, and we’ve had some obstacles to get over. What we have done from the beginning though is what I’ve discussed above. It started slow and we’ve had to learn each other and adapt. What I have found is I have to give you my submission, you can’t take it from me. This is why I submit to him, because he gave me everything and trusted me with it, and I in turn trusted him enough to give it back to him as submission. When you help create a strong woman, you in turn create a strong submissive. And the stronger your submissive, the stronger your D/s relationship becomes.