Like any online community, FetLife has its problems, but it’s also been a very useful resource for someone interested in learning more about the lifestyle from people with more experience in and knowledge of it.
So this is the first post of what I’m calling Mentor posts. They’ll be scheduled every Saturday. Most will come from FetLife, but some will be from other sites. Most will be about things that I’m personally into and some will just be something I happened across that was interesting. (Your Kink Is Not My Kink and That’s Okay, as they say.)
Our inaugural entry comes from Innermind and concerns power exchange relationships, the misconceptions and the beauty of them.
You mean just in the bedroom right?
The stigma of a power exchange is funny to me. It’s filled with misconceptions, ill informed opinions and just flat out nonsense.
I know a woman in a power exchange who was telling a non lifestyler about how they operated their relationship and the woman couldn’t get pass that the power exchange was more than sex and happens outside of just sexy play in the bedroom. That it occurs in many different ways, some subtle, some pronounced, but all consensual. The woman thinks her friend is being oppressed, used and being held back from being the strong women who her friend knows she could be. Which is complete and utter bullshit.
Who ever fucking said that submission is about weakness and why do non bdsm folks buy into it? The act of sacrificing ones own desires for another is the very essence of a strong character and takes a herculean effort to continually give your servitude to someone when human instinct is to serve our own needs first. But when that submissive trait lies within ones soul and it can be nourished and appreciated, cultivated and elevated to a state of natural and fluid interactions, then it becomes a way of being, not just isolated acts one performs. Submission is not only sign of strength, it’s a process to continually build strength as well.
In a consensual, healthy, well negotiated D/s relationship, there is not only no oppression to be had, rather there is a freedom to be found. It’s simple mathematics. Organization and knowing ones role, duties and functions is going to be a more efficient way of running a partnership than having two or more people trying to constantly figure everything out together equally all the time. That goes beyond D/s, that’s just how organized entities have been successful for thousands of years. By creating defined roles that compliment each other and where we all work together as a functioning society.
A well run D/s relationship is a microcosm of that. It will still have problems, because it’s two flawed people trying to relate, but with effort and proper management, it can be beautiful, functional, sexy, rewarding and stimulating in many regards that goes way pass the sexual elements of the dynamic.
The reason people engage in power exchanges outside of the bedroom is because that’s what they both want and derive something essential from that dynamic. It’s a way of communicating, interacting and more importantly, a way of being. It brings comfort and joy and many other positive attributes if it’s consensual, beneficial to each parties personality and it’s ran with regards to the submissives and Dominants well being and both experience mutual growth in the process.
Power exchanges are not about oppression, controlling someone for nefarious reasons or some evil dictatorship , suck my dick 24 /7 (wait that sounds awesome) type of relationship. That’s not a power exchange, that’s just an abusive relationship.
I read yesterday that there’s a fine line between abuse and dominance. I don’t think the line is fine or thin by any means. I believe it’s miles apart and it’s colored with consent and respect. Without those two key, fundamental elements in the relationship, then it’s just abuse, plain and simple.
Power exchanges are incredibly rewarding for those who want it, desire and crave such a dynamic from both sides of the slash. There’s nothing detrimental about that! And yes, it happens outside of the bedroom, deal with it.