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May 22 2015

Thoughts on the Film Fifty Shades of Grey

Fridays will be film reviews when I have films to review. Recommendations are welcome.

To get it out of the way, this week I’m doing Fifty Shades of Grey. I did not read the book nor do I plan to so this is new to me other than what I’ve heard from everyone, everywhere.

Future reviews will be more critical/serious, but this one is going to be my thoughts as I watched it. Just stream-of-conscious, blarf it out because I refuse to spend any more brain energy than simply watching it required.

I should also note that my copy fell onto my computer from the internet, as I didn’t want to encourage the film-makers to make another one and my copy had been edited so I can’t fully trash evaluate some scenes. Those have been noted.

But on to my thoughts.

Oh yeah, and I'm using Lego versions of scenes for illustrations because why wouldn't I?

Oh yeah, and I’m using Lego versions of scenes for illustrations because why wouldn’t I?

Oh man. Don’t mess up a song I like by using it in this movie. (I Put a Spell on You)

Marcia Gay Harden’s in this?
DANNY ELFMAN did the MUSIC? WTF

The obligatory ‘awkward girl trips’ thing. Christ.

Why would someone send an English lit major to do an important interview? This makes no sense.

She didn’t bring anything to write with?

This girl is an idiot. And her name is stupid.

This guy looks like he’s about 12. And from the 80s.

‘I don’t know enough about it.’ You don’t know enough about anything.

Christ. She’s already talking about his heart. And he’s saying he doesn’t have a heart.

OH GOD. He was adopted.

PFFT Are you gay.

I can’t get over that her name is Anastasia Steele. What is this?

Halfway through this scene, which is the first scene and I hate the both of them.

Was the saying each other’s names thing supposed to be profound.

The interview.

The interview.

‘Holy cow.’

She said ‘holy cow.’
Jesus Christ on the cross.

She describes him to her roommate and he sounds like Hannibal Lecter. I’d rather spend time with Lecter, though.

And we have a lip bite.

And another one. This time with one of his hard…long…pencils near her mouth. This storytelling is subtle.

This dude that just showed up, is he supposed to represent her ‘normal’ option?

She works at a hardware store. And she helps him buy a serial killer kit.

I was thinking the music was Harry Potter like then I remembered—Danny Elfman. Whimsical.

Cocky man is cocky.

Oh god. She’s got a case of the Tragedy, as well. Of course.

I study English lit, too. I ain’t no romantic.

Forced Touching. It is Meant-to-Be.
No! But it CANNOT! It MUST NOT!
[My husband scoffed loudly and said: There is NO chemistry here!]

More chemistry in the plastic version

There’s more chemistry in the plastic version

What time machine did they use to find that phone?

‘Have you been drinking?’ Like he’s her father and she’s not an adult and they haven’t known each other all of three days.

The physical comedy in this is killing me. If only I had a laugh track.

Every time someone says, ‘Anastasia’ I want to scream.

‘Better than I deserve.’ Oh, what a martyr.

There are probably people who think this dialogue is laugh out loud funny. I can see where the laughs are supposed to be.

‘You’re here because I’m incapable of leaving you alone.’
‘Then don’t.’ Stalk me. Treat me like an object. A child. An idiot. I am Bella Swan and you are Edward. What do you mean Twilight doesn’t exist in this universe?

This dude is supposed to be Master of the Universe Domly Dom, always in control but this…girl is his weakness? Believable.

STOP PUTTING RANDOM SHIT BY YOUR MOUTH. It’s unhygenic. That price gun thing is probably covered in germs.

He's probably qualified to fly an RC Lego helicopter.

He’s probably qualified to fly an RC Lego helicopter.

He can fly a helicopter? How many hours are required to get your license for that? How old is this person? And he runs a business?

Finally, something that doesn’t make me cringe. That is one sweet apartment.

Pretty sure that NDA isn’t legal…

His playroom is cool as fuck. Too bad he’s in it.

Dear Lego, if you made one, we would buy one.

Dear Lego, if you made one, we would buy one.

‘I’d get you out of this arrangement?’ Bro. You are not that great. Not even close.

At the revelation that she’s a virgin my husband laughed out loud.

Yes, Christian, she is biting her lip. That’s all she does.

Yes, Anastasia, you are a situation. Not unlike a natural disaster. Send in FEMA.

Sooooo… He says ‘I will not touch you without your written agreement.’ Then roughly thirty-five seconds later he’s calling her virginity a ‘situation’ and carrying her off to de-virginify her.

Like so.

Like so.

She hadn’t agreed to anything in writing … or otherwise. She just kinda… let him.

The version we’re watching may have cuts or something—the sex scene seems choppy. Whatever. It’s too long as it is.

And now they’re ruining a Rolling Stones song.

Nice tub. (That’s not sarcasm–it’s an actual nice thing. Christian has nice material possessions.)

Marcia Gay Hardin saves the day.
The guy that came in with her made my husband say, ‘Oh God. He was in Pacific Rim.’ That’s my husband’s favourite film. I believe my husband feels he’s been let down by that actor.

They make out in an elevator...at some point. Look, Legos making out!

They make out in an elevator…at some point. Look, Legos making out!

Anastasia’s room, though, DAMN. Get me some bookshelves in there and yes.

FIFTEEN?! Dude. You’re twelve years old. How old were you when you started this and how long do you usually keep a woman? When do you find time to not-run your business and learn to fly your helicopter.

Oh, there we go. He was a submissive from 15 until he was 21.

Here’s the contract. Some of his terms are a little no…

So… she said no and he just showed up?

Again our copy is choppy on the sex scene.

The Danny Elfman music is so quirky. ‘We’re so kinky, it’s BDSM! Tra la la la la!’

The negotiation scene is the best scene thus far, but how does this girl not know what the fuck a butt plug is. And suspension is a turn off? Okay. There’s no fire play? Mummification? Blood play? This is some vanilla BDSM.

Is this scene supposed to be hot now? Is that what’s supposed to be happening?
Oh another lip bite.

I can't recall when this scene happened, but the Lego bed is mussed! Genius!

I can’t recall when this scene happened, but the Lego bed is mussed! Genius!

He’s speaking at her university now? Um. Oh right. That’s why she was talking to him in the first place a hundred and ten years ago when this abomination started.

He spanked her then left? Aftercare? Something? Hello?

They go to his playroom and my copy is choppy again… what are we missing?

Wow, this scene I can’t even review because it’s been edited to death by whatever back alley coathanger abortion doctor got this for us. I like this version of Crazy in Love, though.

Christians: ‘If you’d just sign the contract you wouldn’t have to think. Stop thinking! Doesn’t it hurt to think so much?’
Anna: ‘Don’t you like me how I am? Then why are you trying to change me?’
Christian: ‘DITTO, ANNA, DITTO!’
Me: Um… she still hasn’t signed the contract and you’ve done some quite heavy play… What happened to not touching her without her written consent?

‘My life was tragic. It was so, so tragic. I am wounded. The woman who gave birth to me has addicted to crack and was a whore and lived in a hole in the ground that was in a tree trunk in a mine. We were regularly beaten by the tree elfs. It was terrible. Please, just do everything I ask and let me be a sociopath. For I am now hot and wealthy.’

Naked Lego back!

Naked Lego back!

Now he’s going to fly a plane. And how many hours does it take to be able to fly one of these? What is this horseshit.

And another scene in the playroom that’s choppy as hell for me. (Still haven’t signed the contract.)

‘Why won’t you let me in?’
Because you talk too much.
But also, he’s been completely straightforward right from the start about what he wants.

Okay. The fact that she never wants to be punished and that he never wants romance = they should not be together at all. Be grown ups and just walk away because you can’t be happy.

‘I’m fifty shades of fucked up.’
Really. That is stupid and makes no sense, but it’s still true.

The only way you can understand is if he goes Patrick Bateman on you?

No! She’s not everything that you want because everything you want would be her but also someone who wants to look like raw bacon.

And whomever edited my copy couldn’t deal with vanilla sex or mild BDSM, but hardcore whipping with a razor-strap (done dangerously incorrectly) is a-okay and requires no editing. Right.

Oh, look, it’s a bookend. She gets in an elevator and they say one another’s names at the end just like the first day they met. Storytelling!

Also: It’s pouring rain during the two big transformative moments in their lives. When they meet and when they ‘break up’. In literature falling into water or being in water can be a baptism from one life to another. Were they that clever or was it just cinematic? I’m going with heavy-handed ‘rain is like tears!’

To say something positive: Christian’s possessions were NICE. And the music I hadn’t heard before was good. See. I can be positive.

Thank you for reading. I promise all other film reviews will be about…other films. And actual reviews.

3 pings

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